Just Because

Written to an old friend, as I like to think of her. Entry dated about two months ago.

Its times like these I find myself wishing for those days, so long ago. It seems like centuries, a new lifetime, a new universe. How long ago was it really? In this so-called reality. It couldn't have been more than half a decade. The days where I would be out and about, I would have friends to see, things to do. I wasn't so shy of crowds, as I am now. I had no need to be wary. Yes, there were lies, there were betrayals, but they seemed so far away.

Why did you turn away from me? Why did you take a part of my happiness away? As we pass each other in the halls, I wonder why you never returned it. Was it because of that boy? Was it because of our parents?

Why is it that whenever I talk to you, it seems everything is forced? That smile, is that a smile for me, like it used to be? Or is it forced, there only because we both know it has to be? By the bitterness filling your eyes, the ironic twist of your lips, I assume its the latter. But I won't tell you this. I won't say a word, I will just smile back, mirroring both the bitterness and the irony.

Forever. That word which we used so freely. Forever. The word which was broken so easily. What is forever? Was it really just a year? Or was it less, and we just ignored its cracks. No matter, forever broke, and it broke hard. We both put our best faces on this but I know the truth, the pain, the sadness. Do you? I think you do, but who's to say?

So maybe it wasn't all your fault. So maybe it wasn't all you said. But it certainly wasn't all mine, even though you blame it all upon me. Yes, I know you do, I've heard it in whispers and murmured words. I've seen it in the flash of eyes, the piercing angle of all their smiles.

How did this happen? Surely this couldn't have been caused by us alone, though thats still a possibility. For some reason, when I think of that question, a face comes up. No, its not the face of the boy you loved and I hated, it is the face of the girl we were both friends with, yet we never knew where we stood. Was she at fault? I would not blame her all for it, I know you would battle me fiercely if I did, but you cannot deny truthfully that it was not somewhat her fault. I think everyone sees it, and I know you are not blind.

Do you remember the nights we sneaked away? The night where I fell where we weren't supposed to be? The night on the bridge, where those guys asked if we were lost? Do you remember those fake names, those numerous pranks, those happier times? I do, and it pains me still to think of them as gone.

If I wasn't so realistic, if I was a kinder, hopeful person, I would say that maybe we could fix all this and return to those times. Maybe you think this too. But we both know that this can't be. How would we ever get over this? How would we erase the doubt, the pain from our eyes? How would we return after all this? After all we know?

No. Theres no going back, theres only going forward, no matter how much I wish for it not to be true.

So we'll pass in the halls with little emotion. We'll chat pleasantly when forced into the same room. We'll put on smiles and happy faces when we need to have acquaintances in a class to survive the semester. We'll act as though theres nothing wrong. We'll seem surprised on hearing what the other has said, what the other has accused. And after all this? We'll keep going, farther away from each other.

Our fates weren't intertwined forever. Forever has been broken and theres no glue strong enough to put it back together. Its both our faults. We will continue to blame the other for smashing forever to pieces, but we will always know the truth, no matter how much we want it not to be any of our fault.

Just because theres no reason. Just because theres no way out. Just because theres no medicine for this. Just because this is life.

Just because. And thats all I can say to put some kind of support behind this.

Just because.

Reviews

[Vonnette]

I absolutely love this! Well written, powerful. I can so relate to this. I'm sure it has happened to all of us at one point. It's very sad to lose a friend who you are so close to. Pride stops us from being able to get it back. Or sometimes, it's just too far gone. Excellent work!