Limbo

 

When I try to do good, I always burn,

I guess some lessons, I’ll never learn,

Is my mind playing tricks on me, or am I too late?

When did all the love turn into hate?

 

I’ve danced with the devil I’ve kissed angels too,

I’ve drunk from the moonlit stream in the forest of truth,

I hugged the sun, where the oceans were blue.

But now I’m fighting demons in a darkness that’s new,

They say I’ve missed my ride; I refuse to think that this is true.

 

Lost in between thoughts and dreams,

I know what I saw, but I don’t know what it means,

Where sanity dies and madness is not yet born,

Where no one wants to take and no one wants to control.

 

My eyes were closed, though I think I was awake,

I was floating in the skies, or was it a lake?

There was a dance of light and birds with silver wings,

A slight breeze in the air,

And fish in all shades of pink.

 

Lost in between thoughts and dreams,

I know what I saw, but I don’t know what it means,

My conscience was clear, but my soul was sad,

It seemed all good, but I felt real bad.

 

When I feel like this, I want to leave the race,

I guess some souls will never rest.

Reviews

[Sean M. Addams]

a very powerful piece .. the imagery in this was very stunning... overall very nicely done... fav lines..I've danced with the devil I've kissed angels too,I've drunk from the moonlit stream in the forest of truth,I hugged the sun, where the oceans were blue.But now I'm fighting demons in a darkness that's new,They say I've missed my ride; I refuse to think that this is true.

[Y.F.]

I've noticed all of the other reviews were very positive, and I'd hate to be the "party pooper", but hopefully you'll accept my review as constructive.

Something about the rhythm was, for me, WAY off, and by looking at the rhyming scheme it doesn't seem like you were trying to write it in free form.
I'll compare the first and 3rd stanza, so you'll understand what I was talking about:

When I try to do good, I always burn, (10)
I guess some lessons, I'll never learn, (9)
Is my mind playing tricks on me, or am I too late? (13 - though I would shorten it to 11, dropping "on me")
When did all the love turn into hate? (9)

Lost in between thoughts and dreams, (7 - WAY too short, throwing the whole thing off beat)
I know what I saw, but I don't now what it means, (12 - a bit too long. btw - I think you've meant 'know')
Where sanity dies and madness is not yet born, (12 - would have been acceptable if the next line had 10)
Where no one wants to take and no one wants to control. (13)

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not actually counting them when I'm writing my own pieces (perhaps only to double check myself if something seems a bit off), but when it's off by as much as 3-4 syllables you HAVE to notice it.
Try and read it out loud - it really helps.

As for the rhyming - mostly very good, though there were some hiccups here and there.
Last two lines could have been rhymed better, and I didn't understand why you've broke the pattern at the end of the third forth stanza.

I have to agree with our peers regarding the imagery - definitely the strong side of this piece.
My favorite stanza by content is the third, which is ironic since it's the one that REALLY bothered me rhythm-wise.

Overall I think you have a diamond in the rough - still needs some work to become a true jam.

[Liza]

what a great way to contrast the complexities of being a human soul. I enjoyed this read. We find balance by acknowledgeing both chaos and order, good and evil and love and hate. We gain consciousness when we consciously see both sides and we then decide, where do we want to belong? what do we want to fight for? We try and try and hope to just stay on one side. What side will we choose?

[Lauren Marie]

I loved this! The images you created were stunning, and I felt the emotion as if it were me saying the words.

The last two lines seemed like you just threw them in there though. Maybe you could add two or three more lines to make it flow better.

This was a lovely piece. Wow!
~Lauren

[April Child]

Haunting and yet beautiful at the same time. The sadness and despair are not pretty but then you have created some wonderful scenes in amongst the angst. Nice piece.

[Bhavya Kaushik]

The plot of this piece is really strikingly unique and interesting.
The imagery is again very powerful and appealing :)
That made this piece indeed very powerful and strong....I would love to read more of work like this from you.
Its....damn good!

[R J Askew]

For some reason the poem puts me in mind of some Pink Floyd lyrics. I just felt as if I was in a PF track as I read it. No bad place to be. Your poem is thoughful and sad in an oddly resful way. There is intelligent realisation, resignation. 'I know I am going mad, but I am not there yet.' A most unsettling feeling for anyone. I think from verse three it is very strong ... I esp like 'Where sanity dies and madness is not yet born', which fits in perfectly with the title. '...in the skies, or was it a lake?' is also strong, showing how confused we can become as our grip slips. 'Lost...I know what I saw, but don't know what it means' is strong and made me think of various states associated with early signs of senility, when we know we are losing it, but... Such states must be truly terrible. To know yet not to know, as our mental powers slip. Great read.

[John McGrael]

i really enjoyed this read!

i really liked these lines:
"I've danced with the devil I've kissed angels too,
I've drunk from the moonlit stream in the forest of truth,
I hugged the sun, where the oceans were blue."

those really drew me in with their imagery!

[*** Hey Jude***]

These well-expressed feelings are something that I think is very relatable to the reader.
I think the metaphors you choose were wonderful!
I also yearn to return home to "spirit",
leaving this mortal body behind with all the pains you have described vividly.. Nice work! ~ Jude :-)

[QuietPoet]

Oh, I loved this. Very well expressed and yours words were so meaningful. I enjoyed this. Nicely done.

[Emily B]

maybe you don't need the last two lines. . .