Disturbed

 

Screaming like the thunder,

Crying like the rain,

Out of your box,

On the rocks,

Running from the hound,

Like the little fox,

Hunted by the hunters,

You’re haunted by your thoughts,

And the little light at the end of the tunnel,

Just comes and goes.

 

Sitting, lying, dying, crying,

Desperate for a little feeling,

Making money, wheeling and dealing,

Aching, hurting, heart and soul,

So much you forgot your goal,

Black and blue under the mask,

But on the outside, you’re standing tall.

 

Giving, sharing, working, buying,

God only knows that you’re trying,

Hurting, hurting, and hurting more,

Your loneliness is terrifying.

Coming, going, drinking, flying,

I know my friend, you feel like dying.

 

Reviews

[deeps]

Giving, sharing, working, buying,
God only knows that you're trying,
Hurting, hurting, and hurting more,
Your loneliness is terrifying.
Coming, going, drinking, flying,
I know my friend, you feel like dying.

Now these are some powerful words here
Once again great flow here.
You are very poetic, I enjoy what I am
reading so far.

[The Raven King]

You have a way of picking diction that sounds good, but you are a little off on your tempo. There are some parts that flow so well they have a built in sound track, but other parts get jumbled and slow down the flow.
Bum-da bum-da bum bum
bum-da bum-da bum
bah-dum-dum-dum
bah-dum-dum
and so forth

I think a good way to keep that great pacing is just to read it aloud and the parts where your tongue slows down or it sounds off to the ear just take a look at them and see if you can tweak them a bit. Good work!

[Jacqueline Lopez]

Loved it!

[Mistaken]

I like this lol i really do my favorite lines are:

"Giving, sharing, working, buying,
God only knows that you're trying,
Hurting, hurting, and hurting more,
Your loneliness is terrifying"

and

"Running from the hound,
Like the little fox,
Hunted by the hunters,
You're haunted by your thoughts,"

They make you think and feel about everything you are trying to forget or are trying to run from in the past!
Amazing!

[Bhavya Kaushik]

Ah! It was really very well presented.
I liked the opening line a lot...
Very powerful!

[R J Askew]

Of the two poems you sent me I think the other one is definitely the boss. I like the other one's objective philosophical wryness. I feel less sympathy for this one. This one has a similar theme ... all is not how it seems on the outside ... but it is just not as strong to my mind. it is as if this poem is a sort of warm up for the other one.

[John McGrael]

powerful poem!!

super cool!!!

[QuietPoet]

Wow, this was powerful and deep. My favorite lines were,

Giving, sharing, working, buying,
God only knows that you're trying,
Hurting, hurting, and hurting more,
Your loneliness is terrifying.
Coming, going, drinking, flying,
I know my friend, you feel like dying.

Very nicely done. You have a way with words and very talented.

[BLACKCRUSH]

This write is much more emotional then usual , I think it stands out from the rest.
"Hurting ,hurting and hurting more

Your loneliness is terrifying

Coming , going , drinking ,flying"

[Sean M. Addams]

very deep and dark piece with bleeding with great imagery ... overall nice job on this.... fav lines...Screaming like the thunder,Crying like the rain,Out of your box,On the rocks,

[Y.F.]

I like this one better - it is very powerful, and very much true as well.
You've focused on imagery in the first stanza, and then moved on to mostly describing the actual situation in the next 2.
This poem is definitively a vent poem, but it's written in a form where you distinct the speaker from what's actually going on, and with the last line you've made him into a sort of guide, someone the person having all these problems could relate to and depend on.
Nicely done.