Anna�s song

 

If I was a dreamer,

I’d only dream of you.

If I was a dancer,

I’d only dance with you.

If I was a rich man,

I’d build you a throne out of gold,

And if I had one wish,

I’d only want to watch you grow old.

If I was a dying man,

I’d only want your kiss.

If I was to travel’

You’d be all that I’d miss.

If I was a wizard,

I’d make all your wishes come true,

And if I had the world,

I’d give it all to you.

If I was a sad man,

You could stop me feeling blue.

If I was a mad man…

But I am,about you.

                                    

                                          © The Flawed

Reviews

[The Raven King]

Since you requested a read through of this I'm going to give you constructive criticism as with any other request. This is a good heartfelt poem. A bit sappy for my taste, but I still liked it. I think the rhyming hinders rather than helps. You don't have to get rid of the rhyming, but complicate the diction a bit and take out the "If I's" so that the poem is less formulaic. I know it's a big no no to rewrite another poets words but this is just an example and I have no better tools in my humble opinions: When I dreamed I dreamed of you/ and how we danced and love pursued/I'd give the world if I could know/your happiness follows where I go...etc. etc.

I hope that I do not offend. I think creative criticism is the best gift you can give to a fellow writer and I owe it to you to give you just that. Thanks for your kind words. I'm flattered.

[Lorraine]

Whoever Anna is, she's a pretty lucky girl to gain such dedication. While I love the thought, I also like the writing style. The flow is very nice and every line is powerful. However, I think it'll be better if everything's in the present tense. I think it'll make the whole thing sound more real. Or maybe it's just a preference thing.

Keep Writing. ^___^

[quill of shadows]

verry well writen though the flow is inconsistent it seems to me however it might not be as good if i did flow well

[Matthew Ian Herrawood W]

ok so far i think i have 2 definet winners and one is you HOWEVER i do have more entries to read and its more than 8 so yeah... but you have a very good chance!!! this is a great poem it flowes nicly though i aggree with the raven king you should probly take out a few "if i"' and perhaps include the word 'Mad' in the very last line. do what you wish your poem and great how it is.

[Sasavet]

This is a lovely poem, and I'm sure Anna loved it, if you showed it to her. If not...DO! How much she means to you is clear in this piece, and I can almost feel your love radiating out of this poem. Thanks for sharing :D

[Sean M. Addams]

very cool piece... nice job on this...

[Butterflymom]

This is a precious piece, and Anna is fortunate to have a person that writes her sweet, and heartfelt poems!
Beautiful!

[SimplyLove50]

Ohhhh, this is so sweet! When I finished reading it all I could say was "Awwww"

[BABSIE BEE]

This is my kinda poem. I love it. Easy to read and understand and love. So, very well done YOU !!!
Its sincere severity of Love is so touching. Lucky lass whoever she may be. Thanks for sharing.
Babsie Bee xxx

[Mandy]

Only ONE flaw.. "If I WERE to travel"..not was... heh, but none the less, phenomenal expression of love to that lucky little Anna ;) With all that put down in text, I'd say you just signed a life-term contract, there! But with the sound of things, I don't think that'd scare you in the lease ;) Ah, good luck with your lover :D