What Words Can't Say

You were my deadliest sin.

                   You.

Every thought, every dream is invaded by you. I can’t control my dreams but every one of them has a sense of longing for something. Something is missing. My bet’s on you. Every night my thoughts run wild on what could have been, what should have been. I’m never going to forget them. I’m never going to forget you. You’ve changed my life in ways I never thought possible. A new perspective has been cast over my one-set ways. I’ve never noticed the beauty behind your eyes. It’s not just about how you look it’s about how you are. The beauty shines brighter than a million stars, the beauty of your caring soul.

It’s sad to think that this was once mine. But you never really do realise what you have until it’s gone... Until the pain and ache sets in. It pains me to talk to you sometimes because I know that you’ll never be mine, not now. You’ve made it clear but some part of me, whether it be big or small I’m not quite sure yet, still cling to this hope. This hope that maybe, I can still mean that much to you.

My hope crushes into little miniscule shards, at night, shards of my heart...  Little shards which I myself can’t put back together. It leaves me breathless, exhausted and fragile. Sometimes I just want to give in to all this pain, let the demons win. Last time I did, last time I let them win. It’s left me feeling empty and broken and un-repairable. I wish you could fill the gaps missing but I know you can’t because I’ll never be that to you.

I spilled my heart out to you. Wrote countless of pages but it’s all been overlooked. Like it meant nothing. Maybe it did. To you, I mean maybe it did mean nothing but to me it meant everything.

The demons still come, every night they’re there. I can’t rid of them, as much as I want and need to, I can’t. If I could just talk to somebody... but I can’t trust anyone anymore. No one is there. They all gossip, as teenage girls do. But my friends, the people I thought I cared about... they’re not there anymore because I can’t trust them anymore. It’s sad to say or hear but I can’t. I’m incapable.

                                    * * * * * *

                As the days pass by, I grow more and more accustomed to this way of living. Without a heart, without caring to share these thoughts that screams and shouts in my mind. At least they break the silence. I live in a world where society labels you from head to toe. But I don’t know what my label is anymore. Heartbroken? Mental? I don’t know... I’m forever hidden in the shadows now. Lost and alone I wait. I wait for the hand to hold. I wait for your hand to hold. But I’ll forever be hidden in these shadows because you’ll never hold out your hand to me again. Not like that.

Author's Note

Whether you like it or hate it, loathe it or love it, it's still going to be here.

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

Here it is over two years later, and no one has reviewed this. That's a shame, and for several reasons. Your writing is from the heart and honest. Assuming this was true, I sincerely hope time has healed that hurt and that the sun shines brightly in your life now.