The act of Intimacy

The story is about two strangers sharing a very intimate moment in a public restroom. The moment is immediate but feels like it's lasting forever.

We had the last sip of soup and our eyes met again. There were leftovers of it on the corners of his lips. It looked funny, although we were on the edge of starting an important conversation, that’s the reason we came here. It was winter so soup was a way we could make this less discomforting. I didn't say anything about the soup on his face, I didn’t laugh either, it was my secret, my safeguard not be dragged that easily into a deep and depressing conversation we were about to start. I didn’t know if the safeguard would be with me this whole evening, so I realized I needed a backup plan, I stood up and I went to the restroom to think about it.

It was a big, dark brown door so I expected it to be heavy, I pushed as hard as I could and it immediately slammed to the left wall and then back towards me, I promptly stopped it with my both hands holding steady in front of my chest.

I was still holding the door and my heart was beating fast. I stepped in, all the toilets were empty except for the one in the corner, I occupied the one next to it in hope that I could get to talk to a person who was minding their business there. Maybe she was there for a long time already for that same reason -- waiting for someone to come and talk, from stall to stall without ever seeing each other’s faces. I tried to make some noise with heavy steps. It was not that simple, I was wearing sneakers and I had to drag the sole of my sneakers against the floor, and then close the door roughly to let her know about my presence next to her. After a few seconds, it was still quiet so I was not sure if all of my efforts worked. So I decided to scratch a very thin cardboard-like wall between us with my nails. It was a slow movement from the top left corner to the lower right corner as if I was following a twisted road leading towards her, I wasn’t in a rush, she wasn’t either. I was waiting for some sign from her as well, before me saying anything. Words certainly have more power.

She flushed the toilet and I felt immediate excitement and alertness. I didn’t take it as a gesture directed towards me, but at least I knew she was there. I tried to say something. Nothing came out from my mouth, but a low flattering mumble. She laughed quietly, and quickly. This was certainly our first interaction. My heart started beating fast again and I lost all my thoughts on what to say or do. I was sitting there, on the lid of the toilet, completely dressed, with no intention to use it. My legs were restlessly shaking, I was feeling the heat in my body and face and my palms were sweaty. I knew she was waiting for me to say whatever she’s been waiting for all this time. Maybe it was too soon? Maybe I shouldn’t have fought back to the door trying to stop me from entering this space.

I leaned down to look at her feet, she was wearing black leather boots and her feet were touching each other. When was the last time they moved together?
I tried to say something for the second time, but this time it was not even a mumble, my voice was completely gone, it felt like I’ve never had it before. I wanted to touch her without scaring her. I stood up and faced the thin wall between us, putting the tips of my feet on her side, that way she could know I was watching her. I touched the wall, hoping the heat of my palm would go through the wall so she could feel it. I didn’t feel anything besides my palms getting cold. I heard the lighter’s flick and the second after the smell of cigarettes. I heard her standing up, she put her feet against mine. It scared me and I took my hands off the wall but tried to keep my feet in the same place. My whole body started shak- ing. I was hoping she could not see that on my feet, which I tried to keep very steady. The smell got more intense as if I was smoking, I looked up and I saw her hand holding a lit cigarette, pointing towards me over the thin wall between us. My hands were extremely shaky and I was not sure if I could hold the cigarette without dropping it, I knew if that happened it would be the end of everything between us. This thought made me even more nervous, I could feel the lump in my throat and my eyes were tearing up. The longer I waited the bigger and harder the lump became. It filled up my throat and I burst into tears. She was still hold- ing the cigarette above me. I knew this was everything I have been looking for, but taking it means never going back again. Maybe I should have never entered this place, maybe this is my life and everything else were distractions to avoid this. I was crying quietly. I knew I could never leave this place and she was not going to either.

Maybe it was too soon? And now?