Leaving Behind

I wrote this for the contest http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Suicide/14269/. This is my first writing piece on here and I look forward to more! This poem represent my feelings at times.

Every fairy tale starts with the “Once upon a time”.
And as young children, we lived in this time:
A time of no worries, a distinct naivety of happenings.
Songs of life ring as nostalgia of the zephyrs that swayed our small bodies rejuvenates
As we remember these times.

But those times were so long ago.
As time went on, feelings became synonymous with our mental development:
When we learned about red shift in science class,
Happiness had a red shift away from us.
And as the colors of the shift dispersed,
The red flushed our faces as ambivalence
Toward everything we once thought as real expanded.
The rage punished those closest to us,
Breaking bonds established once ago.

Then we learned of the blue shift.
Sadly, happiness did not come toward us,
But rather the breaking of our bonds came to haunt us.
Now in the open blue, all alone,
There is no one to support us any longer.

As the void grew clear, we stood up on the side.
The “we” became “I” as the similarity of
Despair no longer bonded us together.
As I jumped, my memories of the past came flooding toward me,
Realizing that there was never a happily ever after.

Author's Note

I hope you enjoy! Any criticism would be nice!

Reviews

[AndyJCash]

I smile as I read this, not because the topic was happy but because the poem was so well written. Never has red shift been so interesting and brilliantly manipulated to fit feelings. Your introductions and ending was fun too, mimicking fairy tale conventions despite the serious themes.

[Ask Nopf]

"The "we" became "I"
reminds me of an old poem I wrote some time ago... I'll post it and ask you what you think.

But anyway, to review for real. This poem is like a lullaby to me... it's so fitting with the atmosphere of my writing these days.. nostalgia wracks my brain and leaves my emotions weary, I feel like this poem personifies that feeling beautifully.
The development from childhood to despair is so like everyday that I have to say this poem could be mine (emotionally, but not really, I need more structure in my writing, haha).
I love it, an amazing write. :)

[Victoria PoetryBunny]

I like how you used the science in this write, made it interesting and a good point of feelings in life, as we grow from "Every fairy tale starts with the “Once upon a time”.
And as young children" to seeing how life really is as we live our lives and see this, experience it and get hurt, etc. I like how you ended this write, the last stanza really made that impact even more. Good write, i like and enjoyed this.

[Darkest Rose]

Fab write :)

[SinnerInspired]

Deep But I f*****g love it! *Rock On*

[Alex Figueroa]

absolutely beautiful, i love the changing of the time period in each stanza, the epiphanies that the person or people go through life and encounter was brilliantly showed here, i hope you earn that spot on top in the contest! good job!