Leaving Behind

I wrote this for the contest http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Suicide/14269/. This is my first writing piece on here and I look forward to more! This poem represent my feelings at times.

Every fairy tale starts with the “Once upon a time”.
And as young children, we lived in this time:
A time of no worries, a distinct naivety of happenings.
Songs of life ring as nostalgia of the zephyrs that swayed our small bodies rejuvenates
As we remember these times.

But those times were so long ago.
As time went on, feelings became synonymous with our mental development:
When we learned about red shift in science class,
Happiness had a red shift away from us.
And as the colors of the shift dispersed,
The red flushed our faces as ambivalence
Toward everything we once thought as real expanded.
The rage punished those closest to us,
Breaking bonds established once ago.

Then we learned of the blue shift.
Sadly, happiness did not come toward us,
But rather the breaking of our bonds came to haunt us.
Now in the open blue, all alone,
There is no one to support us any longer.

As the void grew clear, we stood up on the side.
The “we” became “I” as the similarity of
Despair no longer bonded us together.
As I jumped, my memories of the past came flooding toward me,
Realizing that there was never a happily ever after.

Author's Note

I hope you enjoy! Any criticism would be nice!

Reviews

[AndyJCash]

I smile as I read this, not because the topic was happy but because the poem was so well written. Never has red shift been so interesting and brilliantly manipulated to fit feelings. Your introductions and ending was fun too, mimicking fairy tale conventions despite the serious themes.

[vanila bean]

I like this a lot my favorite line is Every fairy tale starts with the “Once upon a time”.
great job please read my poems thx
vb

[Coyote Poetry]

I don't know. Life may not be a fairytale. Can be a fun ride? I have had a lot of pain. But the good times overtook the bad times. Today I have my two grandsons with me. I'm very content. I have a bad job and getting old. It is still a good day to hear my grand-boys laugh and enjoy life. Sometime we need to find a good road and be kind and hope for luck. May get a small fairytale. Thank you for a excellent poem. Made me think.
Coyote

[rae52]

i really liked it it was really different to anything i've read before

[Darl]

I really enjoyed this and connected with this in a big way. It represents how im feeling personaly at this time. Not getting everything you want from life and that there are cruel realitys out there. I loved how you showed this as a continous experience, learning as we go in the science class etc. Really enjoyed this.

[guiltyascharged]

Oh my Gods this is really brilliant! When we are children, we think all is okay because we are not shown to the real problems of the world.As we grow we learn to know that some things are bad and cannot be changed. Over time we lose our friends and rage and hurt is felt. We think of the world as against us when it's all one ploy. As we grow and learn, we realize that the shallow unwillingness to see the real world as a child was our fault, but our vision was clouded by fairy tales of that prince charming and the princess who got away.. Nobody knew the princess could very well get away with murder... Hearts are broken and memories/bonds are severed, people you always thought you were close with turn out to have been hiding a cruel past or not been who you grew up with. Things people don't tell us change everyone when reality hits, and you portrayed that wonderfully here!!

Amazing write, can't wait for more!

[Call Me Blu]

Songs of life ring as nostalgia of the zephyrs that swayed our small bodies rejuvenates
This line is a little wordy but that was the only problem I found in this. It was well written and enjoyable to read. Good job!

[李[A]]

@Danielle Lewis's Review

I'd just like to say that I did not struggle with the concept, rather that you didn't understand the intention. The "we" was described as all the people who suffered that way, but changes to "I" as stated in the second line of the last stanza.

"The "we" became "I"
reminds me of an old poem I wrote some time ago... I'll post it and ask you what you think. Is what she said, but she did not say anything of me struggling with the issue. She was talking about a poem she wrote using that same method.

I would appreciate if you wouldn't make such falsities without understanding what you're talking about.

~A.

[Starry Eyed]

Cant really decribe how to say how much I love this poem... You sort-of struggled with 1st person and 3rd person in your poem... You shanged the 'We' into a 'I' as 'Ask Nopf' said.