Midnight at Storefronts

Have to re-post this for an entry

It took me a whole day to settle my mind deciding, most of the turns of time I shook my head to the news, I never realized how possible it was for me to see him again. For the weeks of pursuing avoidance, it was stupid of me to hide and to pray our paths will never cross again when it was conveniently easy for him to show up anywhere around me. Being a performer, there were places to visit and explore for life, and tonight was just my nerve-racking luck because his band had a free show in the city and ditto that! A free show, it’s as if the universe planned on this so I wouldn’t have to have any constraint entering the venue. It blew my mind when I found out about it and no matter how I managed to believe it was all hallucination, it didn’t leave me the reality that perhaps it was the “time” I waited so I gave it a shot. There were doubts eating my brain, it worried me that maybe I was expecting another chapter to our story like a sequel in films. It’s killing me that I wasn’t over the feelings growing inside me after those days we had the closeness, especially after that last night I almost gave in to the magic-that kiss I didn’t take. Either way, I still ended up standing among the crowd of boisterous teenagers throwing their hands up in the air at the last song played. I didn’t mind craning my head to clearly see the stage but I dragged myself forward, if I brought my feet here and there’s no going back what’s the sense of not aiming for the main goal of going here? Besides, the show’s fading; staying for too long wasn’t going to proceed so at least I could just take a look at him again and if nothing more will happen then let it be the ultimatum if heaven provided nothing more.  Acceptance was always the safest ending to everything.

The hall was circular with skylight overhead, I shoved between strangers with my head down, it hurt me in the arms and in the rib to squeeze through until I sooner made it near the front rows where the lights revealed faces so I stepped aside to secure he wasn’t going to spot me in the crowd in case I was present in his senses. I didn’t know what will hit him in thought seeing me; meanwhile, standing next to the stage where he was charming the whole place threw me back to the raw memory of us having endless good times, it was different to view him as a starlight now but he’s as beautiful as he was when spending time with him alone. His smile up there reminded me of his secret how fake that smile was when he performed because he said no smile was ever genuine when it was a nervous smile, it made me laugh when he admitted he hadn’t effaced that kind of smile whenever he had to expose himself to a lot of people.

“I am gonna cry now, I’m mad! This can’t just end.” The voice of a pudgy girl stung me when she screamed. The words to the last song slowed down and there was a final sound of hooting. My heart dropped to watch the light dimming. Honestly, I wished for our moment with that cinematic effect and yet I shouldn’t have imagined it. The exit must be my choice now but having to leave strangled me with so much disappointment.

“Actually, there’s one more song…” It went like a riot when he went back to the spotlight with an acoustic guitar. He held his hand midair to signal the crowd to let him speak first, silence befell. A cute smile came across his face as he looked down thinking. “ I have something very special to share to you guys. I hope you all stay quiet for a little while…” he chuckled and smiled one more time, the smile that was a real him when he’s up for something interesting. “This is short but true to life. I called this song ‘Hand in the Rain’”

I mentally passed out hearing the title of the song; it was quick for me to grasp it as a matter about me. It drove me back to the night when the sudden rain forced us to run away and stay at one corner, there he kind of drew closer to me just an inch apart from me, we stared at each other’s eyes then he began grabbing my face but I pulled away and that put us to misunderstanding. 
                “The lights in the streets weren’t enough to see the night…” He plucked the strings and a wonderful melody washed through everybody’s intimate attention. His voice seemed like a crooning whisper that touched my veins, I could immediately levitate from the ground but slowly I was getting weak in the knees for so many perceptions swimming in the depths of my thoughts.

    “You think it’s a love song?” said the other girl beside me.
                “I don’t think so, he doesn’t usually write love songs right?” her buddy defensively responded. Right, he didn’t write love songs. He once told me he hadn’t written any song about love except for the ones he invented just to please the lovey-dovey fans. I felt the tears clouding my vision though.
                “It’s all in your eyes when there’s sun instead of the waning moon.” I braced myself.

    “My songs were never better than the sound of your sweet laughter.”  I told myself that maybe it was only another poetry song he didn’t purposely write for anyone in particular that it was some random invention that wandered in his sentiments. I CAN NEVER consider it was for me because he said he never wrote a personal song for a girl. 
                “I wasn’t sure where my feet were but my heart knew exactly where it was heading.” As I struggled deliberating, I lost my vigor amidst my clashing thoughts. Expecting was going to be the death of me, so to speak, I needed to save myself. My way to the end of the crowd happened fast, I shut my ear close to any sound other than my convincing resolution to let go of expectations and assumptions.   
                “And suddenly here comes the heaven pouring, one night that changed forever in me.” A jolt in my heart stopped me as I began to cry behind my thick locks partly covering my eyes. The crowd swayed and waved their hands together to float along the mellow tune of the song. I stayed, wrapped with so much tenderness that permeated into every inch of my soul. Though there was a defiant reluctance hauling me to leave as soon as possible, all I could ever do was to stand stiff and melt alone listening to every word of the song:

                         “I caught your hand in the rain, we ran away,we

                          chased the moment and the next thing I realized

  I was falling and falling. I looked at you and pondered,

  you’d still be the brightest even if the stars will be

  washed out. Then like in movies, a spark motioned,

  I leaned and tried one more thing, unfortunately it was

  a mistake, a bad timing. Still it happened fast when I

  caught your hand in the rain. Until now I keep thinking

  possibly it is love because I am falling and falling ”

***

It was accurately all about that night but then again I cannot bring myself into believing the song was for me, there might be some other girls he met in places, elaborately beautiful and worth falling for. Foolish, stupid me to invent in mind that he was gonna show up in front of me. Anyway he just sang the song, finished the last line and darkness followed. It could’ve been just a snippet of their upcoming album so I took the cue of leaving when the crowd dispersed; it did not bother me to go further searching for him..After all, he’ll be meeting a lot of people or get a good time with his mates and crews drinking and coming across attractive girls new to them. That’s the usual routine of men right?

The song was repeating at the back of my head, driving me insane and making me smile all at once. Nevertheless, I had to go home, shower and rest in bed getting over the scenario that just happened. I halted when I reached the storefronts’ sidewalk, a wistful air passed through me. Talking to him for the first time, I was searching for good stores for a small shopping, it was a balmy afternoon in March strolling alone when he mistook me for someone he knew, and he was adorable when he sheepishly apologized. That’s how we began, now the ending was served and there’s no prize of losing, only the trophy of acceptance. We were only destined to be friends I guess, and then friends became strangers.

I was feeling cold and sleepy, my watch hit the midnight hour. People were lazily walking in both sides of the street; my eyes were getting tired while I picked up my lazy pace too. I glanced back and forth to hail a cab which I hated the most, well I never earned a personal car.

“Isn’t it so early to leave yet?” Dumbstruck in instance, I jolted aside with a quick beating in my chest as I laid my eyes on him. His ragged outfit back in the hall was changed to a pair of black shirt and black skinny jeans; his hair was messy and damp like he didn’t have time checking himself in the mirror. But what else was there to fix when he had an ingrained impeccable appeal in every way? “I never knew you were impatient, I just needed to take a bath you know?” 
                “Ha…hi.” My jaw trembled; on the other hand he was breezy and confident. His half smile was intimidating me even more, making me nervous exactly because I cannot help but fell to his trance once again.

    “Anything to say?” He ran his hand through his hair and stepped closer.

    “Anything like what?” In spite of tensing up, I feigned composure.

    “Like"“ he narrowed his eyes musing and locked them with mine. “’I missed you’”

    I condescendingly laughed but in truth it was cute. “What made you think I missed you?”

    “You came to the show.”

    “What?...” I trailed off “You saw me?” 
                “I felt it in my core that you were there.” I can’t believe he was capable of displaying a melodramatic expression in a not-so-serious manner.

    “I am properly asking. Did you see me?”

    “How can I not believe you weren’t there when we were playing at your city? You even watched me perform in farther places. You said you enjoyed watching me because you were always proud of me so certainly I expected your presence there.” My heart swelled knowing that what I thought about him didn’t waver, he never changed after all this time and by that it’s enough for me to be more than happy. “..And after all I don’t think I ever did anything to give you such profound reasons not to see me anymore. Except maybe when"” 
                I was attuned, a shackling motion gripped me everywhere. “When what?”

    “Can I ask you something?”

    “Answer me first.” I demanded which I regretted. An awkward silence dropped between us and an audible sigh came from him. Finally, I got sick of pretending there was nothing I wanted to tell him but first of all I had an apology to give for turning my back on him without a warning. Selfishness made me mean; I didn’t even wonder what he felt in those times when I preferred to be gone. God, why was I so pessimistic? 
                “What?”

    “I’m sorry.”

    “Now you’re sorry.”

    “Yes, I am.” I snapped. Seemed like we were veering to the gist of this meeting, guilt strangled me upon noticing his sulky gaze. I knew too well that it was me who can settle everything since I was the one who ran away from it. “I am sorry, so sorry that I made you feel like I hated you"“

    “Oh thank God you realized. It was terri…”

    “Just hold your mouth, I’m not done yet. You deserve to know, I deserve to explain so listen.”

    “Go on.” He challenged.

    Three seconds, I breathed well and wore my heart on my sleeve. “You were never a jerk, a d****e-bag or an a*****e so spare yourself from thinking because there was nothing you’ve ever done that turned me into hating you. We both knew what was going on. You can tell me I was the meanest, insensitive person to disappear without even telling why"I would understand that…but…” I hastily wiped a tear. “…but I was scared, I don’t know but it did scare me.”

    “Make it clear.”

    “When we almost…”

    “Kissed?”

    My cheeks flushed,I always hated that he never learned to be careful in his straightforwardness. “Was it for a friendly purpose?”

    “Are you kidding me?”

    “Just answer me!”

    “I know you do know what it’s supposed to mean!”

    “So that’s why I was scared! I was scared that if I did let it happen, there’s going to be a change in things, something that I didn’t have an idea about.”

    “What are you saying?” Impatiently, he asked.
                “You really want to know the truth?”

    “Yes!”
                “You…I admit it was easy to fall in love with you but you’re not an easy person to be with.” I thought he was going to have a say but he gave me the next turns. “I always imagined what it’s like to be with you, to be…to be your damn girlfriend but when I thought about all those other girls surrounding you, and the type of girls you were to meet along the way, I found myself vanishing in the picture…”

   “Describe them.” He drawled.
               “They’re…they’re faces in magazines, typical hot girls, just the right ones who look perfect for you.”

   “And?”

   “And for you to k…kiss me that night…well you’re a guy--especially your kind of a guy--you can always do that to any girls.” I bit my lip to stop myself, my words were already inordinate, unguarded and somehow with jealousy building up.

   “So are you saying that I scared you?”

   “No…not you but the situation I guess.”

   “Did you even think about what type of girl could steal my heart?...uh, no. You don’t fall in love with a girl, or with a boy. You fall in love with the person and that means having to love the whole being. Let me reverse it. You’re the one who scared me. You disappeared, it was terrible and scary. ”

  “Now, how did I become scary?”

  “I was scared that I’ve lost the most beautiful and wonderful person I’ve ever met and have known.” I was shocked in the gut; it left me wordless and steady that I can melt down in a blink of an eye. His eloquence was unswerving.“When you were with me, I didn’t have to try so hard to be desirable; I didn’t have to protect my flaws because you never seemed to care about them. You treated me like who I was as a person although I had the idea that you’ve known me as the guy performing for thousands of people.”

  “You knew?”

  “Yes but you never acted like I was a god or some big noise in town, you didn’t even freak out the first time we talked. Maybe you acted like you didn’t know me but what I liked was you never acted like you were the luckiest girl having to get close to me and that’s modesty and sincerity. You were attentive to things I never shared to anyone and you didn’t take them as something you can pass on, you knew my weaknesses and shortcomings but still you looked at me like I was tough and resolute. You gave me a place where I could fit in without doubts and restraints. Most of all, you’ve seen my real smile, not the nervous smile I wore every single time I met people. I was me with you so I told myself that I found the person to fall in love with. Thinking about losing you gave me nightmares, I longed for those days when I can have my real smile…”

“Not the nervous smile, I know.” We smiled at each other and understood both our feelings. I flung myself to him for a tight hug, the sound of my heartbeat could just break my hearing, there’s a lot to take in but one thing’s for sure: I cannot and will never run away from him anymore. Not when the “moment” did come.
                “It was so nice; I finally know what it feels to sing a real love song.” I pulled away and stared at his pretty, smiling face.

“Oh. So I was surprised you wrote a song for me.”

“I didn’t write a song for you.”

“What?” I frowned.                

“I wrote a song about us.”

“About us?” I laughed.

“Yes. Us.”