Bleak Second

Bleak Second

A Poem by papermush08
"

Passing thought. Wondering. Few lines

"
He's bright as the moon,
but sad as the cold night air;
If only she's there

© 2014 papermush08


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This is a good example of when less is better. It has immediate appeal to my senses and my feelings, the moon, the cold air, mixed with a sense of loss. However, I feel you could explore it metaphorically more than you have done. Particularly "bright as the moon" which is a line that appears over and over in literature. An original metaphor would clinch it. Also, the third line seems a little constricted. I'd forget about the rhyme and perhaps incorporate another metaphor. Very nice!


Posted 10 Years Ago


papermush08

10 Years Ago

Oh thank you very much! You're probably the first who reviewed this with much sincerity. I love it w.. read more

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172 Views
1 Review
Added on May 20, 2014
Last Updated on May 20, 2014
Tags: random, nothing, poem, life, moon, sad, love, whatever, haiku, night, view

Author

papermush08
papermush08

Cebu, Philippines



About
Nicola An, author of poetry books "The Universe at Heartbeat" and "Soul Song: Poetry and Prose of Awakening to Divine Love" more..

Writing