Bleak Second
A Poem by papermush08
Passing thought. Wondering. Few lines
He's bright as the moon,
but sad as the cold night air;
If only she's there
© 2014 papermush08
Reviews
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This is a good example of when less is better. It has immediate appeal to my senses and my feelings, the moon, the cold air, mixed with a sense of loss. However, I feel you could explore it metaphorically more than you have done. Particularly "bright as the moon" which is a line that appears over and over in literature. An original metaphor would clinch it. Also, the third line seems a little constricted. I'd forget about the rhyme and perhaps incorporate another metaphor. Very nice!
Posted 10 Years Ago
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10 Years Ago
Oh thank you very much! You're probably the first who reviewed this with much sincerity. I love it w.. read moreOh thank you very much! You're probably the first who reviewed this with much sincerity. I love it when there's a little correction, it's nice to learn. Well right I am aware of the cliche use here, I'm always a sucker for metaphor and decided to slow down with it first haha besides the word "second" in the title indicates that I was just having a quick thinking. Anyway,I appreciate your words so much!
Love, N
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1 Review
Added on May 20, 2014
Last Updated on May 20, 2014
Tags: random, nothing, poem, life, moon, sad, love, whatever, haiku, night, view
Author
papermush08Cebu, Philippines
About
Nicola An, author of poetry books "The Universe at Heartbeat" and "Soul Song: Poetry and Prose of Awakening to Divine Love"
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Writing
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