3

A Chapter by Amber

Before my inner monologue could talk myself out of this whole thing the cab pulled up outside the house. I found myself walking over to it, despite not remembering getting up off the sidewalk I was concentrating hard on each step.

Like when you are incredibly drunk and each step seems almost other worldly, as though gravity is working differently and you may just topple over at any moment, or everything around you seems to be going just that little bit too fast. Only I wasn’t drunk, I didn’t have that rush, that giddiness that comes with the bitter nectar.

I was focusing on putting each foot in front of the other because if I didn’t I’d have to think everything through. I knew it was coming, the thoughts, the memories; I just wanted to delay the inevitable that little bit longer.

It must have been around ten in the evening so it was pretty dark, and the cool chill in the air was hitting my face. I had been thankful for the initial relief it had brought me not too long ago, however now as I approached that cab it was just adding to the numbness.

I clambered in and gave the driver the address of my hotel, for the first time in my life I prayed for a chatty cab driver. I hoped he would talk relentlessly about sports or the weather or those god damned migrants for the whole twenty minute journey. But as per usual sods law and all, the one time you actually want the distraction from your thoughts for someone to talk at you unremittingly they, of course, don’t.

We exchanged pleasantries and after telling him I was from London and just over here visiting friends, we hit the conversational brick wall face first.

I look down at my phone to check the time, surely that short conversation with the driver killed a bit of time. Providing traffic is good we should be at the hotel in… nineteen minutes GREAT!! So that conversation wasted all of what? A minute?

I must have left my phone on silent, because I also notice that I have two texts and a voicemail. I start to wonder who they are off; before I can unlock my phone to check them I am jolted back into reality by the sound of the radio and Freddie Mercury’s voice drifting through the air:

“Oooh you’re the best friend that I ever had

Been with you such a long time

You’re my sunshine and I want you to know

That my feelings are true

I really love you

Oh you’re my best friend”

Wow. Really? I suddenly felt as though I was in some kind of movie as the queen song wafted through the car. If I were, this would clearly be the montage scene of me gazing out of various rainy windows looking all forlorn or some s**t. But this wasn’t a movie, this was real life, my real life, and the universe was playing some twisted little game on me.

Obviously I instantly thought about what I was trying my best to not think about the entire time I was waiting for this cab and up until now. Yet you can’t avoid the inevitable.

It flicked some kind of switch in my brain and I no longer cared to see who was trying to get a hold of me. It could be JJ for all I know and then the messages would show up as read and I wouldn’t have replied and no doubt he’d become relentless trying to get a hold of me.

I needed the space for now, maybe I did over react, but to be honest this has been a long time coming. With his job taking him all over the world, I often just brushed things off and forgave, well said I forgave, far too easily. Merely because I didn’t want there to be any bad blood or ill gotten feelings between us when we might not speak to each other for days at a time or see each other for months. I never wanted him to leave thinking he couldn’t call me up at ridiculous ‘o’ clock to talk through his problems or to simply just ease his homesickness like he always does.

Obviously that was stupid. I’m never one to shy away from problems in the rest of my life, I tackle them head on usually. But with JJ it’s just different that distance makes it harder, you never want to ruin the precious time you have together when you finally get to hang out with your best mate by starting an argument out of nowhere.

Urgh why is everything so god damned complicated. I thought to myself as I risked another glance at the time…seventeen minutes left. This was going to be one hell of a long night.

I rested my head against the cold window and glimpsed the passing scenery. The large houses had fallen away and we appeared to be approaching the freeway, the car picked up speed a little and as I gazed through the window I could feel my eyes start to glaze over.

My mind started to wander, wander back to a time when everything seemed a whole lot less complicated. Well it was a whole lot less complicated. We were just eleven years old, our first year of high school, that’s when we met. It was all so easy back then, who knew I’d be sat in the back of a cab driving through LA nine or ten years later unsure whether to be heartbroken or furious with my best friend.

As my eyes became glassier I let those memories seep in, I knew we’d been through a lot and he’d done some pretty s****y things to me, but I also knew that those early memories were good. Like really good. Maybe they were why I was holding onto him so tightly.

People do change after all. They grow up and they are not the same as they once were, the change is gradual but it happens to us all. I for one am certainly not the same as I was. Maybe I’m just wanting him to still be the JJ he was ten years ago instead of accepting him as he is now.

I push those ideas out of my head for a little while, as my brain is taken over with reminiscent thoughts that start to swirl round my head. It wasn’t like daydreaming, it was more like hallucinating only I was reliving what had already come and gone

I was right this is going to be one hell of a long night.

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