The Feather Giver

To those lost.

Just yesterday he was kneeling

Among the autumn leaves,

Hoping to find some knickknacks

To stuff in his long sleeves.

Finding a pile of feathers,

My little boy kept them close.

The bird that had plucked them

Had been feeling morose.

Cleaning the dishes,

I watched from afar,

Wondering as he brought out

His father's old mason jar.

Now today I witnessed

My boy walk 'lone to school,

With a jar full of foreign feathers

And I'll tell you, I was such a fool.

The day after I lost him

     The neighbors

     The teachers

     The students 

     The preachers

Presented their feathers

When he hadn't come back

Saying he gave them out.

And he never came back.

My baby, he threw his jar in the river.

On his tombstone I wrote, "The Feather Giver."

Author's Note

I was trying to work on syllable count without compromising the rhythm of the poem. There are a couple of places where the syllable count don't match up. What do you think, is there something I can work on?

Reviews

[Unspoken poet]

My baby, he threw his jar in the river.
On his tombstone I wrote, "The Feather Giver."

TOTALLY LOVED THIS PART,
This is amazing...I think you have talent.
keep writing always.

[emipoemi]

Let not the syllable count trouble you......let the musicality trouble you more. No poem can truly breathe without good musicality, and this poem starts out well, but kind of loses it here and there until it's pretty much lost by the end. And musicality is not necessarily rhythm. Rhythm marks time– you can hear the words land on their respective beats as they march from your tongue–, musicality simply flows.....from line to line and thought to thought, in a seamless manner that carries the essence of the poem with every voice that conjures it forth. This poem is great in narrative, but simply lacks the breath to give it true life. Good start!

[AmberMorgan]

Thanks for your input! Could you point out a line or two that lacks musicality? I want to be able to be better at spotting it in the future.

[emipoemi]

I can't quite pinpoint any specific ones, for all except the first and penultimate stanzas seem to have musicality issues. Read it aloud to yourself, pay heed to how it all flows within and between stanzas. Something would not feel right when you come to a line with a syllable too few or too many. That's when you'll se where it needs work. (when I say syllable too few or many, I'm not referring to good syllable counts, for a poem can have good musicality with an uneven/unsystematic syllable count, so long as the flow is fluid across those lines). Good luck.

(You could read some of my work to learn more about musicality…..mind, most of what I’ve posted so far is from my first phase of writing, and therefore is more focused on strict rhyme and rhythm (unlike my current phase, to be posted in time, which focuses heavily on musicality), but the embryonic stages of the musicality focus can be detected particularly in the poems entitled “The Horizon” and “Where Lilacs Grow”).

[AmberMorgan]

Sure, I'll check them out. Thanks again.

[emipoemi]

my pleasure.

[KCthelastboyscout]

Debut of a new talent.excellent write and pleasurable read despite the grim topic.looking forward to future collections of storytelling from you.well done.

[AmberMorgan]

Thankyou!!