Life, Interrupted

A Poem by Amber Jubilee

RIP my angel Amber Jubilee, conceived late June, aborted mid July. RIP my angel Jake, conceived late September, miscarried early October.

So much I wish I could change
Amber Jubilee, that could have been your name
My darling Jake
I know all my babies would be cute as candy canes
And I'm not gonna lie and pretend I didn't give you away
But you're always in my heart
I miss you to this day
Even though I never got to know you, I'm sure I would have loved you
Even though I never got to see you
I'm sure you'd favor your mommy too
And when I have more kids
I promise to always remember you
I only want 3, but 5 is cool
Because when I birth three
I'll be counting them plus you two
Don't feel unwanted
Because mommy always loved you
But mommy is young and dumb
And couldn't have cared for you
I'm talking to you in heaven my babies
The ones I'll never get to know
I wonder if Amber would have been pretty
Don't ask me how but I know you were a girl
Something told me, my little princess could have lit up my world
But we weren't ready for you, baby
I didn't know if daddy wanted you either
Miscommunication wasn't helping us either
Would you have had my eyes I wonder?
Between me and your father
So much Indian in you, your lips would have been thin
But your eyes would have the universe in them
You would speak to me without talking
You would have been so wise
My first girl, you'd be spoiled right now if you were alive
And Jake, I lost you naturally
Didn't even get to feel you long before God took you from me
I know you were a boy though, you had me throwing up way early
Your sister didn't do that
You had me sleepy and emotional
Had me and your father fighting
Boys will be boys
But you didn't make it and now I'm crying
Your sister almost died naturally too
I remember, it's true
I went through so much with her, I had a threatened miscarriage
But she was a fighter, that one
At only 5 weeks and 6 days though, the game was over for that one
If you want me to be completely honest
I had plans on giving you up too
It's nothing personal but I'm still not ready for your sister or you
Maybe next year when I have a baby I can keep
I can find it within myself to face reality
Lord, the things pregnancy does to me
It's already October who even knows if by next year I'll be ready
(I'm talking to your daddy now)
I don't blame you for anything, love
You didn't force my hand
All I'm saying in this poem is,
It's beyond anything you'll ever understand
You've never had a life inside you affect the things you do
You've never felt the loss of a human that was growing in your womb
Which isn't to say you didn't feel a loss too
I just doubt it was harder for you
For me, it wasn't so bad the first time
Sorry Amber, but it's true
I wasn't as wise then and to be honest, I didn't want you
Don't think that I didn't love you
That's the furthest thing from the truth
But at that time I had other things I wanted to do
So I agreed to get rid of you
Right now, as I go through the motions of my second halted pregnancy
I'm writing this and having an epiphany
I love you with all my heart, my angels who didn't get their wings
But I'm realizing there is a reason for everything
When God blesses me with a full-term pregnancy, my child/twins will be
Everything you both would have been
Sprinkled with a lil of daddy & me

(PS: shhh, daddy doesn't know I gave you names)