Fallen Sea

First version (written when I was in seventh grade - 11 years ago)

 

Deep beyond the night I see, the rising of the fallen sea.  I hear the cries of those long gone, and pray they find the only one.

 

But they don't hear my prayers loud, they only hear the storms' howl. I reach for them but they turn away, saying they can't believe in someone unseen.

 

As they turn to leave, I tell them I can see the Holy One.  But still they fall deeper in, caught between life and death.

 

But finally they see his face as he turns to break death's icy chains.  They turn to him and feel his love, and finally they believe.

 

Deep beyond the night I see, the rising of the fallen sea.  But I no longer hear the cries, they've risen from their fallen sea.

 

 

Second version (revamped just tonight)

 

Deep beyond the night I see, the rising of the fallen sea.  I hear the cries of those long gone, and pray they find the only one.

 

But they don't hear my prayers loud, they only hear the storms' howl.  I reach for them but they turn away, saying they can't believe in someone unseen.

 

As they turn to leave, I say "I can see the Holy One."  But still they fall deeper in, caught between heaven and hell.

 

But finally they see his face, as he turns to breath death's icy chains.  They turn to him and feel his love, and finally bein to be freed.

 

Deep beyond the night I see, the rising of the fallen sea.  But I no longer hear the cries, they've risen from their fallen sea. They believe.

Author's Note

This is two similar versions of the same exact poem. I wrote the poem when I was only 16, and still in school. Let me know what you think of each version (and yes, just to prevent any misunderstandings, I left somethings and some words and verses the same for a reason)

Reviews

[Twilight]

Great writing for someone of just 16. Thanks for sharing this with us. I'm not too sure about the title, I must admit. What I mean is, when people refer to the sea, they don't tend to use the word "fallen". However, perhaps this usage has a special significance for the writer?

It's often interesting to compare poems, I find. But usually, I conclude that the basic theme is best kept as it is. Otherwise, one has a tendency to start the piece from scratch, even though you may have been happy with much of what had been written previously. Well, that's probably just me!

"I hear the cries of those long gone". These words brought images of drowned sailors to mind. Hapless souls for sure, in the context of this scenario. Another pretty good aspect of this poem is the writer's use of metaphors, for someone so young.

For some reason, I liked the last line of version one more. In the second version, I felt that the ending was slightly abrupt, perhaps?

Like I said, this one is another good write. The style is consistent, and this poem does have an unusual structure. Interesting.

[Kitten]

Great work. Once again, you astound me with your deep metaphors. I'm not generally a religious one but I can relate in making a choice for something and believing in something.

I like the way you left it off in the second one. With the 'They Believe...' part it makes it makes it left to interpretation. It also begs the answer to question if there even is an absolute right path. Thought provoking.