The creature

This is part of a chapter in a book im writing, its my first book so I would love your opinion

Standing in a dark forest, wondering where she was meant to go. She could feel goose bumps crawl over her skin as the cold night wind broke through the dense trees, chilling her to the bone. Her eyes would whip in the direction of every rustling bush and singing insect. A little piece of hope spread through her when she heard two low footsteps in the distance. “Hello?” she whispered turning to the direction of the sound. As she realized the wind had become silent and the whole forest was now quiet her hope diminished. She watched enough discovery channel and scary movies to know that silence was never a good sign. ”Hello” She whispered again as she heard more footsteps. Squinting her eyes to see through the darkness, a gasp escaped her lips. She could now see mist rising in the air accompanied by the sound of something breathing heavily. Forcing her trembling legs backward, the thing hiding in the darkness took two steps forward. It came to a halt in a ray of moonlight, now clearly visible. Its red eyes stared up at her threatening, the bones from his paws stuck through its dark black fur. She could smell the faint smell of decomposed flesh in the air. Was it even possible for this creature to be alive?

Author's Note

Please leave a review. I would love to know what I can fix up on

Reviews

[Patrick Bush]

Just leaving some feedback :p

The Good
-- i like the description here. I enjoyed how the mood was created even before the creature arrived. i also liked the creature. I liked the detail of the paws and the fur.


Some Suggestions
--I think my biggest suggestion would be to change the tense of this. For example, in the second sentence, i would change "she could feel goose bumbs crawl over her skin" to "goose bumbs crawled over her skin." Giving things a more active strengthens writing considerably.
I would also suggest that you give this character a little more description. I know this is a part of a chapter, but even in a piece of writing this long, we should get a name or something to let us know who the she is and why she's in the forest.
Also, I would suggest breaking this up into a few different paragraphs. I would say everytime she says hello i would indent and begin. it just helps keep the reader more focused. Now i hope this doesn't come off rude or me bashing your writing. These are just things i feel could really bring out the good writing already here. :p

[Brinleigh Bailey]

Hello Amanda! First off let me say that I enjoyed your piece very much. There were just a few minor mistakes throughout. For example, the word *dense* is misspelled in the second sentence. Also, there is the misspelling of *realized* in the 6th sentence. Your dialogue could be brushed up on, but nothing major. Overall, a good piece. Thanks for sharing :)

[Amanda Mcphail]

Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it :)

[Samuel Dickens]

It's interesting and holds the attention well. When folks ask for honest criticism and I give it, they usually get mad or hurt. Well, here I go again. You have several sentences that are too long. With some, you could break them into two or possibly more. In other instances, you may just need to trim them back and not put forth so much information. With writing, less is often more.

[Amanda Mcphail]

Thank you for your honesty. I appreciate it. I only really started writing recently so im still getting in the swing of things. I appreciate your review

[Samuel Dickens]

Thank you for being accepting. I was prickly in the beginning, as I think most are. You show promise, so just keep at it and you'll improve.

[Amanda Mcphail]

Thank you :)

[William Richards]

I love the sense of suspense you build with the protagonist turning around several times and not seeing anything. And you play well with that fear of 'it's behind you.'

I would have enjoyed a clearer description of the forest she was in and where she was going to.

I also like the use of dialogue as part of the description. Those solitary 'Hellos' linger in my mind.

[longlivenate]

I really like it... Had me scared for a sec. Write more because this was good

[SleeplessVolcano]

Powerful writing......just some observations.....
* you used "pale" quite soon after each other to describe her eyes, and also her skin.....how about a different adjective the second time?
* I read this like a movie scene, so I am trying to imagine that I can actually see her eyes, but the forest seems quite dark, i.e. Very little of her would be visible, unless, some moonlight or a full moon could "provide" some light? :)

Please publish some more :)

[Amanda Mcphail]

Thank you very much, will definitely take your advise in consideration and will post again soon

[Silver]

I can't wait to read the rest , you got me interested here