-If Only-

A Story by Amanda Ashlee

-If They Only Knew-

Shes 16 years old, she use to be a happy, sweet, out going girl till her best friend moves away and her boyfriend dumps her by cheating on her. After all the promises they made, he breaks them for some blonde skinny model looking girl. Now she walks down the hallways at school with her head hanging low just trying to make it through the days, till a group of girls start prancing around in there happy rich expensive looking clothes. Looking her up and down laughing. Whispering to each other low but loud enough where she can hear them, “what hole did she crawl out of'' ''shes so ugly'' laughing some more. She tries and pushes past them and their ignorant comments but she can still hear them in the back of her head. She walks faster and bumps into a group of boys and girls and she falls to the ground. Trying to pick up her books and bag, they look and laugh and walk past saying, ''watch where you're going loser.'' She stands up brushes off knees and breaths in and out ''just gotta make it through the day,'' she says to herself but people think shes crazy cause she talks to herself. She walks in class finds the seat in the back. Still smiling at people that she walks past in class that look up at her; hiding the pain she has inside. School is over, she rushes to get in her car and drive off already wishing she had somewhere else to go besides home. She pulls up, walks inside, tired from the long hard day at school. She walks through the door and is automatically being yelled at by her drunken father because she didn't clean up his spilled beer last night. Then she was being pushed around by her older sister cause she got stuck with doing it and having to watch the little sister. But she smiles and says I am sorry and gets to work cleaning, cooking, helping the siblings with there work instead of working on her own, wondering when her mom will be home from work but she doesn't ever hardly come home after work. She's off getting high and sleeping with other dudes. She finishes everything and tries to sit down and do her homework but she cant cause the TV noise and her sister in the other room having sex and her little sister playing really loud with her toys. She just cant take it she runs into her room she shuts the door lays on her floor. ''I cant take it anymore the bullying at school missing my best friend, taking care of my family my dad always hating on me, my mom always being gone and never having time to do homework.. I just cant anymore. I just wanna be happy and have a normal life.'' She grabs her phone scrolls on Instagram sees her ex boyfriend post a picture of wcw of the same girl he cheated on her with. Throwing her phone across the room, she lets out the tears not being able to control it anymore just wants to not feel anymore and forget about her life and everything bad in it. Now she is feeling alone and cold and like she has nobody to turn to for help. She tries and texts/call her best friend but she's too busy with her new life and new friends partying. She cries into her arms and wonders when do I get to be happy when do I get to feel love and wanted by someone? She craves and longs for that attention that everyone needs but she just can't get because nobody wants the girl that hangs her head down and wears dark color clothes and smiles and is sweet to everyone when she needs to be. No one will ever care for that girl because no one wants to. She cries more and more. God, she just wants to feel something different then the way shes feeling now. She sees a pencil sharper on her desk. She breaks it open to get the blade, pulls off her pants look at her thigh and takes the blade and slowly cuts across her thigh till she sees blood she does another 5 lines. She lets the blade go. Sitting there looking down at her bleeding thigh, she cries again, ''there was your something different to feel.'' She grabs a rag, wipes the blood off, sees the scars and wonders why? Am I such a bad person that this is what I deserve? She's in pain now, not only in her heart and soul but now on her thigh. She goes over to bed gets under her covers and cries some more till she falls asleep. Sleep is the only thing she likes cause she gets to dream and be out of this world.

Its her 17^th birthday hot and summer time but she wears leggings to hid the scars on her legs. Her life still the same. Now shes grown cold but still manages a smile on her face. She walks down the hall being pushed and made fun of. No one knows its her special day. She arrives home knowing her family surely knows, but no, she gets yelled at to clean cause there having friends over and she needs to cook dinner. As she cleans, she hides back the tears because no one knows its her birthday. She didn't even get a happy birthday. Her sisters friends are over. Their loud music banging and video games blaring and laughing and some yelling at the game, and all she wants is to be alone in peace and quite. She goes to her room, closes her door, sits on her bed and breathes. She looks over at the blade sitting on her desk. She's trying so hard to not let the thoughts to cut get into her head but its too late, shes already reaching for the blade. She looks down and cries, ''happy birthday to you.'' She takes that blade and swipes it across her wrists this time hoping to cut deep and deeper this time because shes tired of this life. A person can only take so much pain before they explode and she has reached her exploding point. She takes it straight down her wrist, going deep till she sees blood pouring out until she hits something then she drops the blade and lays down on her floor. She looks up at the ceiling and wonders if they all only knew the struggle. I got through the pain; I feel the emptiness and coldness I feel inside. No one will miss me. No one will wonder where I went. No one will even think about me. If they only knew how bad I just wanted someone to smile back at me and talk to be and become my friend; now that's all over. Now this is it. I'm finally gonna be out of this cruel world and I don't even feel a thing. If they only knew. As she lays there on her floor looking up at the ceiling, blood pouring from her wrists she wonders here I go to the land unknown if they only knew. As she lays there feeling the room go cold and dark and her eyes getting heavy as she slowly closes her eyes and takes her last breath. All a sudden, someone comes barging into her room, seeing the black haired girl laying there blood all around her from her cuts. He yells at her sister to call 911. As he hears the sirens getting closer to the house, he rushes and slowly picks her and takes her to the medical people. As he walks past her sisters seeing there sit there in shock not knowing how to take it in of her being dead or..... almost dead. The medical people rush to him, they see the girl and slowly grabs her, lays her on the bed and pushes her into the back of the ambulance leaving him standing there, with blood all over him, wondering why she would wanna take her life. As he rushes to his car; not caring that he still has blood on him, he drives off to the hospital. Running in, he asks where she is. The nurse tells him to sit down and wait patiently for the doctor. He sits, leg shaking from being so nervous and scared; he sits there and wonders, wonders why such a pretty girl would kill herself. He whispers to himself, “if only..” As he sees the doctor come up to him, he stands up asking if she's okay. The doctor regrets to inform him that they done everything they could but she was just too skinny and had lost a lot of blood and they couldn't do anything else to save her. As he hears those words, he slowly slides down onto the floor and just stares at the walls and drifts off. He can feel his heart shattering. “If only I would have stopped and said hello to her.” “If only I would have let her know I liked her.” “If only I helped her up when she was knocked down by group of people.” “If only I had told them girls to shut up when they called her ugly.” “If only I would have let her know that I seen her walking down the halls and I thought she was the most gorgeous girl alive; now I cant let her know stupid me was; too scared and now shes gone and I will never have the chance to save her, if only.”