My Suicide

I wrote this in the voice of my friend.

Would you cry if i died,
Or if i commit suicide?
Do you care about me at all?
Will you catch me if i fall?

Would anyone really care
To tell the truth or take the dare.
Now its your turn to dare me
I'll just have to wait and see.

Reviews

[Michael]

The words convey a sadness to say the least but that sadness is undercut somewhat by the quick tempo of the meter. We need a bit more time to let the power of your thoughts sink in.

By adding a few words and some strategic punctuation you force the reader to slow down a bit. For example:

Would you even cry, would you, if i died?
No? How 'bout if I commit suicide?
I wonder if you care about me at all?
Do you care enough to catch me when i fall?

It still has a brevity of thought but requires a slow pace in the read. Of course, writing in the voice of another your point my be to fore a quickness into it. If that is the case, I am off point for sure.

[jmt8921]

That sounds sad... I care. Ill catch you. I dare you to trust me.