Am Author

What God told me to do.

I'm a musician who is sensitive when someone tries and edits or thinks my writing is trash and deletes it it makes me want to not write. I am writing my story because I have to, not because I want to but because I’ve been shown over and over again that I have to write and that I’m supposed to be an author. I see a yellow snake and a spider. My fate was that I was supposed to be a musician. I pray that I don’t get deserted, I don’t want to be deserted again. Would anyone help save me?

How did I lose it twice? How did I mess this up and does he still care? Do I still have a future? I just don’t know how to be alone all the time and it frustrates me I feel like I should be doing something like I should be working. I feel like I like work, work is important to me. I care about working and being busy but its difficult when there is no one to hold you accountable in the real world. Like having somewhere to be like school, or work. I like work, what did you mean two months work. How do I fix this get better? Do I actually have to quit eating? Do I have to fast? and I'm sorry about being mean I'm sorry. Please would you forgive me. I'm sorry truly I am. I have a problem with relationships because I’ve been alone for so long and my whole life has been difficult. I don’t want to let negativity win or be a baby but it matters when there’s nothing that I can do with this pandemic going on. I should have taken the job at dairy queen, I'm sorry. I'm a human being please forgive me. I am truly sorry. I do want whats right. I don’t want to be a pdf I didn’t understand! Please lord forgive me! please god forgive me. it was an accident. It was just an accident and I'm sorry. I was a fool. Please I was a fool, please I feel like a fool. There’s got to be something I can do to fix this? Whatever it takes. Please help me. Do you mean to leave home? Or do you mean that I actually need to run? I had no idea it would lead to this, angel vs demon bullshit, that it would make life so difficult. That I would struggle this much that I’d end up a fool and I wanted was school. I loved that man I'm sorry.

            Is there any hope? School is my hope. School is my goal. A student. Being in school is what will help me get better. I can’t wait for school to start up in September. I’ll try and not be mean. One book. Whats the line whats the hook what’s the title. Pain what do I have to gain, am I insane well I must be insane to dig my own grave not just once but more then once. Call in insanity whats the plan now whats my future going to be are you being truthful around me are you talking s**t is that it? I know I’ve been difficult, put my mind in a horrible state. When I could have had the whole world. Do you think its all in my mind? Do you think I'm kind? Let me remind you I choose this… didn’t understand that I put myself through hell became so unwell that I throw so many fits that its insane again ill back to the brain but I will tell you about choices and voices and getting along and playing nice with your mind are you kind to yourself or did you just make yourself strange. I made myself strange by laying in bed all the time.

            I b***h and b***h about who I am. Am I going to make it, can I fake it? will you help me ill ask for help knowing that I don’t think I can be saved when you swear you’ve commited blashphmeny, when you’ve biten the apple that your not suppose to. Took a bite what a freight, do I have anymore fight when demons come knocking, knowing I should be fasting but I cant seem to stop eating. Or is that living in the past? Ehhhh f**k the past. Positivity longevity respect invest protect.

            Just go with it okay, well all I have to say is will it ever be okay will I be saved, will I ever rave? Can I participate at festivals have a family of my own dance around and run around like I'm in my own zone. I like to run at festivals I think a man once said to me act like you’re at a festival everyday. Well if I was to do that I would just listen to music do mushrooms and drop some mdma I'm sober now and I would you to realize what I lost. I lost a man, a daughter that was spoken of more then once got written out of my own future by the man I love the most. I respect my father and understand he’s a hardworking man but I also know that the state of a house affects the state of your mind. I needed a nice, clean bathroom, I need a strong female to show me how to do my hair and makeup more. I should have hung out with christina funk more she was my best friend. I had the opportunity to hang out with her and she loved me and was an  influence. Drugs where a downfall in my life and I hope I don’t pay the price and the price will be my life and you cant have it it wont suffice that’s not nice I got privilege its waking up everyday being grateful being faithful I got a creator for school ahhh I believe ya I believe in earth and what I see. Focus on the future is that what’s going on here I'm a female. Do we wear makeup do we shave our whole bodies? Whats natural what’s messing with the minds so much. The systems got some problem with relationships is it all preference? What do we speak about before a relationship becomes serious?

            I am a student at saskpolytechnic and I'm trying to save my life so what will suffice, feel as if I got a bug or two what to do got a worm in my eye will I survive, the creator is trying to save me but I might need to learn to keep calm. Darkness reached out at me today, saw a shadow of something that doesn’t seem like its real is it my mind and I going to survive. Light love and faith. Please lets get through this.

            I just decided to go camping and it showed up in yellow and then the number 9. I am going into the bush for two weeks to fast and.

            God showed number 9. I can’t drive and I don’t have a vehicle. I have no money for gas or a place to stay. Daniel would drive me if I gave him money for gas.