Fear

I am experiencing a great amount of fear right now.  I know that things will be ok in the end, I know that better times are ahead.  I know that there is also a lot of pain on the horizon, regardless of the outcome.  That pain is what scares me.  Specifically, the pain of being rejected.  So many people have to go through this every day and a lot of them find the ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I am not suicidal, I don't think about hurting myself.  I do think about the crippling pain accompanied with the phrase "You are not enough for me".  I don't want to have to deal with it, I don't want anyone to ever have to deal with it.  I want my wife to look and me and trust me again, I want my behavior to glorify her.  I want to be the man she thinks about when people ask her how she got this far.  Because she is the answer to all those questions for me.  I have an appt. with the counselor today, and I don't know how it will go.  She will make her own decisions and I will make mine.  And I will not try to convince her that her decision is wrong, I will not say that her feelings are wrong.  I will act in a way that I will be proud of in the future.  But d****t if the pain of that moment still doesn't scare me.  As one final thought, do you know what my biggest fear is?  That I will be alone to deal with my dad dying from cancer.  That the woman I had hoped would be my rock will be off by herself or with someone else.