Prologue

Chase Scene

A man was running through a dark forest. His feet pounded the ground as fast as he could manage in his waning years. He held in his arms a jacket, covering a very precious item, one he greatly regretted stealing.

 

   He broke into a clearing, revealing a glittering lake, along with two young fishermen bringing in their catch. A tree fell in the distance, but he didn't stop. He wanted to warn the men of their coming doom, but could not get his voice past the wheezing, a result of many decades of smoking. His heart pounded in his head as he crashed back into the crowded woods. The fate of those two young men weighed down on his shoulders and attempted to slow him.

 

   Screams erupted behind him and he dared not look back. They had sacrificed their lives unwillingly to save his own, and for that, he felt grateful. That would give him a few extra seconds he needed to escape.

 

   His feet beat the forest floor and everything around him turned white. He kept on running, despite his fear of blacking out at such a dangerous moment. His blood ran through his veins so fast he felt as if his heart would fail him at any minute.

 

   He stumbled and fell face-first into a mouthful of sand. He spit it out in distaste and scrubbed at his tongue while he slowly stood up and took a look around. A desert surrounded him, with nothing close by but what looked to be an old tomb. The forest was nowhere to be seen.

 

   The sun set on the horizon and sand jumped all around him. Before he could sound his panic, the ground beneath him dipped, as if the sand was draining through a small hole, underground. Large, bony spears emerged behind him, gradually revealing a towering, decomposed hand. It reached for him, grabbing him by the waist, pulling him under, breaking the link to the world he knew, forever.

 

   A jacket lay on the sandy floor, and underneath it, lay a very precious item that this man regretted stealing.

Reviews

[TheElfPrincess]

Intense, a wonderful prologue. You captured my interest and kept it until the end. You made me wonder what the item was and who the person is. A very good prologue, well penned.

[brenda]

great write ! i mean you really know how to hook readers i can not wait to read more !:)

[Lady]

You've developed a wonderful amount of suspense here, and the writing itself is very strong and full of imagery. Very nicely done.

I have a few ideas that might help strengthen the overall intro:

Rather than starting off the first sentence by telling us this mans age, give us hints or describe his appearance that would make us then believe that he might be of middle age. For example:

"He found himself sprinting through a very dark and unwelcoming forest, his lungs, aged by decades of cigarette smoke, burned with every rough inhale of air, while his calves and feet ached with exhaustion."

The first sentence in the second paragraph could also be reworded - I'm not sure "included" would be the best choice. Maybe say "revealing a good-sized lake, along with two young fishermen. The men didn't seem to notice the charging man until he let out a shout of warning."

The second to last paragraph - change "Before he could make sound his panic, a decomposing hand the size of a mountain lion burst out form under the sand, grabbed him around the waist, and pulled him under."

to something like...

"Before he could sound his panic, the ground beneath him began to crumble. Large bony spears emerged before him, gradually revealing a towering decomposed hand. It reached for him, grabbing him by the waist and then it pulled him under, silencing him indefinitely."

Overall I really loved what you wrote. The sudden environment change was interesting. I would like to get a better glimpse of the monster or spirit or magical force that was pursuing him. That would spark a little more thrill in this opening. But other than that great work!

[Review]

Ooh... Creepy. I like the repetition in the last line. Great prologue, I'm hooked!