Hanna

A sad story of a teenager and how much a child can impact ones life.

   "To be, or not to be: that is the question:
   "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
   "The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
   "Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
   "And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
   "No more; and by a sleep to say we end
   "The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
   "That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
   "Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
   "To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub. . . ."

   I quoted those few lines of Hamlet that I had known so well by heart, mildly contemplating what I would every day. Death would have been a sweet embrace to the pain that I had to go through every day in a desperately insane world. Many times I would come home and head straight to my bed, after school, in agony. All I wanted to do was to sleep through a dream world, but most of the time the nightmares would haunt me with pain of the real world.

   "Just once, baby, come on. I promise you won't get pregnant." Those words haunted me for months. I relived the experience during the times that I could. That idiot boyfriend I had didn't even manage to get himself inside of me before he decided to let his creative juices flow right into me. A pregnant virgin, and my name wasn't Mary.

   I slowly headed towards the bathroom, nauseous, but sat down on the toilet seat and took out my bleeding pads. Sharp pain had been piercing through my lower stomach, and I had hardly stopped bleeding for days.

   I knew I had miscarried the baby a couple of weeks before this, as that was when I started seeing her. Hanna is what I called her, and I saw her normally, as if she were six. She had the most beautiful, blond hair, and a translucent body shape.

   My vision went white as a burst of pain erupted inside of me, and my breathing stopped. I couldn't pull myself another breath, and the longer I had stayed like this, the more I felt like it wasn't worth breathing again. The only thing I had to do was keep from breathing, and it got slightly easier as each second slowly ticked by. The white vision sweetly turned black as death may have finally been in sight.

   "Mommy?" I felt a light vibration on my shoulders. "Mommy, are you okay?" The little girl's voice sounded panicked.

   I gasped for air at the sound of her sweet sound and I slowly opened my eyes. The pain in my stomach had dimmed down enough to stand up. I let my nightgown fall after I put on another bleeding pad and left the bathroom to head back to the comfort of my bed. I listened to the sound of crickets on my way there, trying to imagine what death would have been like.

   Hanna's faint, barely audible footsteps trailed behind mine, which sounded like booming drums in comparison. She grabbed my hand, as I turned to sit on the bed and I looked down at her, mustering up the best smile I could. "You, Missy, know better than to come into the bathroom when I'm in there."

   She looked up at me and flashed a small smile. "I know, Mommy, but I was worried about you. You sounded like you were in pain."

   I lost my smile, with no energy to pull it back, and threw out a suggestion: "Well, what would you say, Hanna, if I decided to live forever, like this, with you. I'd love to be with you forever, in death."

   She shook her head, "No, death is a trap."

   My mood sunk along with me, as I slugged under my covers and rolled over on my side. Hanna, in her fuzzy, pink pajamas, climbed into the bed with me and crawled under the covers.

   "I love you, baby girl."

   For in a time of depression there is always a ray of light, no matter what that may be. As a mother, I always wanted nothing more than to be with my daughter, and in my state then, I had trouble even attempting to reach out and touch her cheek. My fate had long been decided.

   Once I had made sure the ghost of my daughter had fallen asleep, safe and soundly, I slowly climbed out of bed and sat down at my desk. I took out a piece of slightly wrinkled notebook paper and a blue pen that wrote very smoothly. I clicked the pen and started writing:

Dear Mom and Dad,

   I cannot possibly expect you to understand why I've done this, as these reasons are both selfish and selfless. I might as well tell you all I know of the truth.

   I am in a lot of pain, physically and mentally. Me and my ex boyfriend, Nick, decided to try out sex one day, and we were stupid enough to go on with it without any protection. I became pregnant with my little baby girl, but a few weeks ago I miscarried.

   Her ghost is so sweet, it haunts me. My social life has gone down the gutter and some people have started to hate me for even touching Nick. Events have turned out terribly.

   I have found my only ray of hope, my only ray of light. I must go through with this.

Your Daughter,

Amanda

   "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade," I muttered to myself. "However, if the lemon juice gets in your eyes, throw them out." I clicked my pen closed and set it on top of the short letter. My chair creaked quietly as I got up and strolled next to the bed. "I'll be with you shortly, Hanna."

   I opened the iron door to the roof of my apartment complex and rushed over to the side to look at the street below. A white minivan was pulling into a parking space and a man go out of the car with a paper bag full of groceries. The city air felt stale and grimy against my smooth skin.

   I had to have been about seven stories up, and dreadful thoughts occurred to me, that I might not have been high enough. I backed away slowly and reached for the metal door. The cold metal burned my bare hands as I twisted and pulled, but the door was locked, it was no good. I gathered up my courage and looked on the side of the building near the highway. I saw a semi truck hauling down the road to my left, nearest to the tall building.

   My bare foot was slightly cut as I hopped onto the stone railing of the roof. The breeze brought up my jacket as I stared at the truck, waiting for just the right time to jump.

   "Don't do it!" yelled the man below, as he dropped his bag of groceries. The yell startled me so much, I slipped and fell forward. My arms flailed as I made my descent to the cold, black ground below.

   I can truthfully say this was the best moment of my life, because all in one heap of joy, I felt like I was flying.