Eyes

This is my first short story, hopefully it is not too shabby.

It was a very light winter, there wasn't much snow. I decided to hike up this old road. The road was covered in leaves and the roots of dead trees. It wasn't exactly the safest of roads. Rarely, was it ever driven. The only time I can recall anyone ever driving on this road, was when I was around the age of twelve. A woman in her eighties lived around the corner from my house. She had Alzheimer's and was looking for a golden necklace she had once owned, but according to her family, she lost it many years ago.   During her necklace search, she suffered from heat stroke and died. It took a day till anyone had found her.

A couple years back, I had seen her walking her dog, before the Alzheimer's really hit. I remember she had the most beautiful brown eyes. Her eyes made her look twenty years younger than she actually was.

 I pondered little things for the next mile and a half. 

 For instance, why are babies born? Does everything eventually die out? Will death one day take me? Tons of questions, with no returning answers.

Suddenly, in my peripheral vision I saw an old parking lot I had never noticed before. I walked towards the parking lot and saw a faded sign that read Greenwich Country Club. About one hundred yards to the right I saw an old abandoned building I had never seen before. It was dilapidated, but there was something about it, which intrigued me.

 I walked up the wooden creaking stairs onto the porch. I slowly turned the knob of the door and nervously opened it. For some odd reason, it was blazingly hot inside. It was fifty degrees outside, but it must have been eighty degrees inside of that building. 

When I opened the door the first thing I saw was a stage and an old grand piano. There were a couple tables surrounding a dance floor.

 I remember hearing the Greenwich Country Club was built in the 1920's. According to the town historian, it desperately needed renovation, but with its lost zest, and broken shadow, I suddenly knew it couldn't ever truly maintain a good state of repair.

At that moment of realization I waltzed  into a world of the most handsome lions and tigers of the decade. I didn't know if I had traveled back in the past, or if I was simply just dreaming.

 All I remember were men happily holding up their glasses, toasting to the new year of 1928. Flappers were sitting in the laps of their men. They were kissing and touching, but there was one woman in particular who stood out.

She had blonde, bob cut hair.  She looked at me with the kindest brown eyes and smiled in my direction. I shyly smiled and looked to the ground.  

Her husband I presume, sensed her eyes and immediately saw mine. He whispered something in her ear. She looked in my direction again and this time laughed.

 I was only 18 at the time. I was about to graduate high school. I was glad to finally have a fresh start and was so excited for college. 

The band started to play "West end blues", by Louis Armstrong.

 I figured since I wasn't even in my own decade, and still am not sure how I got here, I may as well ask the brown eyed girl to dance.

 So I walked up to the table where she was sitting and said "excuse me Ms., would you like to dance". 

She laughed and shyly looked to the ground. I held out my hand. She grabbed on to my grasp and I pulled her up, off her husbands lap. 

As we walked  and got lost into the crowd of young men and woman happily dancing, I could feel her husband glaring in my direction.

Instinctively my arms curved around her waist and her arms wrapped around my neck. She wore red lipstick and a satin, red strapless dress, that went all the way down to her knees. Oddly enough, I distinctly remember her wearing a beautiful heart shaped golden necklace.

This Lady was absolutely the most stunning woman I had ever seen. I held her thin body close to mine. I felt her breasts on my chest. She looked into my eyes. I could see a bitterness, hidden under the sweet eyeliner and mascara. I gently touched her cheek and she flinched. I quickly apologised. 

Out of nowhere, she asked "do you want to get out of here".

 She gave me a devilish smile and I couldn't resist.

 We walked outside into the parking lot. We quickly got into a black Ford and left. She ferociously backed out, almost rear ending another car.

 Her husband, ran outside, but we had already reached the road. I am normally the cautious type, but I figured since this was most likely a dream. I didn't care.

 She recklessly drove down this mountain. We went through small towns I did and didn't recognized, we passed Jamestown NY. Hence, the town I was born in. 

 She abruptly asked, "if I wanted to run away" and before I could answer, she said, "well, we are anyway".

 We drove up the bridge, towards the city.

Suddenly, she began to disappear as if she were a hologram, she quietly said "thank you", and was gone forever.

 The bridge as well as the other cars, including mine started to disappear also. I was nervous and scared.

 I looked down at my hands and they were completely gone. Soon, like my hands, I had disappeared altogether.

All I could see was white. I looked down. I was literally floating in the clouds. I saw the most peculiar thing. At the top of a mountain hill, I saw a collapsed abandoned building. I heard sirens and I saw a body, being lifted onto a stretcher.

I had a sick realization, that the body on the stretcher was myself.

 The last thing I saw was my mom in tears, her eyes were more green and vulnerable than I ever imagined. Her eyes were all I could see. My eyes uncontrollably kept zooming in till all I could see were her pupils.

Reviews

[Atram Dace]

Hmmm...the time lapse subject that you used is interesting however, the structure of the story made it hard for me to read. Try to seperate each paragraph, and seperate the dialogue from the main body of text so that I can know where the character is talking.

Now, story wise, the story starts with the character walking to a building and suddenly find himself in the past. The problem here is that the shift from present is confusing because there is no clue which is the past and which is the present. The story suddenly shifted almost instantly without giving the reader that something is happening. You could try adding some imagery that something is wrong like when the character enter the building, he can see voices which are not suppose to be there. Make the shift subtle, and let it increase step by step, and once it is enough...you can now change the time scene.

I would be glad to reread this if you did the changes.

[Alona Rivika]

Thank you for your review. I write nothing but poetry, so this was one of my first attempts since like the 1st grade. I understand organization is needed. However, I don't ever organize anything I write, another reason why I write free verse poetry. I guess your right about the intro, but I don't know, I find it some what annoying. I guess it would be more understandable to make a setting and slowly shift into the past. To be honest with you, I was just kind of winging it. Nothing is exactly wrong though. I tried to write it in a very neutral perspective. As depressing as the story sounds I didn't write it to sound to cliché. I wasn't aiming for a sob story. Have you ever read the glass castle? If so, I tried to write it upbeat, well not exactly upbeat, but have a neutral perspective, like written in the book. The theme I was aiming for is although the boy died, he also saved someone from being stuck in the past, no matter how good or bad something is, everything happens for a reason. Anyways, I will be sure to edit it and I can send it to you. I hope to become a better writer when it comes to writing stories. I really appreciate what you had to say. I think your very knowledgeable when it comes to writing.
PS: Please reread this after my changes