Orthia's Vision

Another Journal Entry from Diana Fielding ("Blindness Is...")

We all reach that point in our lives where one event makes us feel like the world is ending. The strange thing is that no matter how much changes in our lives, the world keeps turning. My world has ended several times over… more than most people can imagine and with things I thought I would never have to see. Ironically enough, I don’t anymore.

My world ended at seven years old, when I saw my father hit my mom… when he hit me that first time, he shattered my cheek bone. They almost had to wire my jaw back together as well, and she just sat there, the bruise on the side of her face showing the world what had happened to the two of us, and yet no-one said anything. No one cared that he was hitting a child and his wife… In a way, they thought we must have done something to deserve it. That’s what one of the nurses told me… that I had to be good from now on, as we left the hospital. People are so cruel. Almost as bad as Fate, although fate has a sense of Irony as well. That’s why she took away my sight. I couldn’t stand to see what man was doing around me; to the people I loved, so she took it away from me. They still say it was a freak accident, but I know better.
Just as I hear people talking about me, as if I am not there. I’m “That girl with the red hair that’s always wearing shades”. Some people know why… my teachers knew why, but it doesn’t seem as though anyone has cared to keep them up to date on the situation, they change so often. Perhaps they should just staple a sign to my forehead so people know why, it may stop them talking about it. They don’t realise that it bothers me as much as it does… The automatic “nice to see you” said in the hallway. It shouldn’t, I know it shouldn’t, but you really can not realise how much you take it for granted until it is gone. I know I did not.

I used to have another name, a long time ago. One that people knew, one that had no secrets except for who she really was… like a superhero’s alter ego. There was one point where people looked up to us as examples, but we are no more. They used to call me Orthia… Now, I simply go by Diana… well, those few that know my name these days. Social contact is more than a little awkward when you hold something up for the other person to comment on before remembering that they are blind.

I wonder sometimes, when I got so cynical. Was it the death of my boyfriend at the hands of that prejudiced trash in at his collage in the city? Maybe it was when my friends started being taken away for one reason or another… When one was hauled off to prison, others married with children… some just moved away. Maybe it was seeing one of my mentors, my Head Master shot for standing up for what he believed in so strongly. Maybe it was just when I realised that no matter what I did, I could never change anything in this world, that people like me would always be the subject of hate and prejudice, no matter where we were. That fighting for our rights was futile, because we are nothing in the wheels of the system. I have had enough friends die at the hands of my enemies, for something they believe in, something that is a basic human right.

I’m just so tired of it all. It’s an endless cycle that I fear I will never get out of.
Someone once told me that I should watch my friends, because they do turn on you.
He was right… perhaps, one day, I will go visit him. Perhaps a phone call would be more appropriate, eliminating the problems of my getting there, and him looking at someone who can not see him. I remember him very well… He was so sweet, before everything. Perhaps, a long time ago, I had a bit of a soft spot for him, back before the world broke him and turned me.

I only ever wanted to help people… to protect them. I think that’s why Jason’s death hit me so hard. I wanted to protect him, and I wasn’t there when he needed it. I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t be there, and he died. Not one soul there was so moved by his death as so call an ambulance. When he didn’t get up, they didn’t panic, they didn’t scream and they didn’t call for help. They just walked away.

I remember bumping into the guy that killed him. I remember what I did to him… I didn’t realise I had so much hate in me, as to take someone else’s life away from them. The Gods would be so displeased with me… Jason would be so disappointed. I dreamt of him sometimes and he was always so upset with me for doing that. Now…. Now I simply can not find it in me to care anymore. I can’t feel anymore. I don’t feel anything… not happy, not sad... I just am.

I wake up, put on my sunglasses and my smile, and walk out into the world truly alone…

…Smiling Apathy

Author's Note

Im not entirely happy with this yet.