still a work in progress but I added the first part :)

               “Come on Katie!” I urged my girlfriend.

“I’m going as fast as I can. We shouldn’t even be in here. Oh! What if we get caught?”

“You mean you would rather be at home than having an adventure at the Timor Valley Mall?” 

Katie hesitated. “Well, maybe. I think I’m going to go home.”

“Ugh! Sometimes I don’t even know why I date you.” 

“No-no! I’ll stay with you Jack.”

She stopped, grabbed my shoulder and smiled at me.

I stopped and looked at her as she brushed her curly, long blond hair away from her light blue eyes.

“Should we steal-- uh, I mean Borrow, from the radio store first or the music store?” I asked while looking around the dark and dreary mall. 

“We shouldn’t even be deciding.” She muttered while looking towards the ground. 

“What did you just say?”

“I, uh, said that I shouldn’t even be deciding!” She said with a cheesy smile across her bright pink lips “You should be the one in charge Jack.”

“Good answer” I muttered “all right then, let’s hit the radio store.” I said with a determined voice while hitting my fist to my other hand. As we started to run off towards the store, my pace slowed as we approached a corner. I motioned for Katie to keep quiet. As I looked behind the corner I saw someone closing up The Pink Street Fashion store.

 “Hey!” Katie whispered, “That’s the owner. Uh, Cassie Palmer. Oh I mean Miss Palmer.” Katie whispered.

I looked at her with a scornful expiration on my face.

“What?” she asked. “My mom said to address adults by their last name”

“ You're sixteen! You don't need to listen to your mom anymore!”  I muttered while rolling my eyes. 

After Cassie finished locking up the store she turned to leave when she was stopped by a weird looking security guard. 

“OH!” Cassie exclaimed while jumping back “You startled me. Is there something wrong?” Cassie asked the guard, while putting her hands on her hips, and sounding a bit inpatient “uh, do-do you need something?” She asked after the guard didn't reply.

Suddenly the guard’s pale hand grabbed her arm and pulled her into the dark as she screamed in terror. I heard Katie gasp with surprise and shock as she disappeared. When the screaming abruptly stopped, I motioned for Katie to follow me, and I began walking towards Pink Street Fashion. I then took out my iPhone and touched on the light bulb app and shone the light over where Cassie disappeared. As the light went on, I saw Cassie, frozen in place. Her eyes wide with fear, her mouth slightly open.  Next to her, a human like creature whose hand was placed heavily on her shoulder. I heard a scream escape Katie’s lips as I ran away, subconsciously pushing Katie the other way. 

“Hey!” she shouted while running after me.  As I ran into the food court I ducked behind the Mcdonald’s counter while giving a nervous glance at the clown statue. A moment later Katie jumped behind the counter too, shaking in fear. I then looked at Katie. “What was that?” I whispered with a worried expression on my face. All Katie did was close her eyes and whisper “that was so scary!”  

As I looked away I heard something clatter to the ground on the other side of the counter. I held my breath as a shadow came across the floor. And as hard as my heart was pounding, and as terrified as I was, I looked up too see, a pale faceless being looking back at me. I yelled in terror while scrambling away with Katie right at my heels.  As I ran through the mall I saw a planter and dove into it for shelter, Katie climbed in after me.  “We need to think of a plan to get out of here,” I whispered with a slight quaver in my voice. As Katie started thinking of a plan, I glanced out of an opening in the planter. The creature was walking by about ten feet away from us. I covered Katie’s mouth as she let out a short scream. The creature turned its head around to look right at us, its body still facing the other way, and then, slowly, it turned its head back and kept walking. I sighed with relief, and turned my head back to Katie who was shutting her eyes and rocking back and forth. I reached over and touched her. Her eyes opened and tears started rolling down her cheeks. Then suddenly a look of horror came across her face as her shaking finger pointed behind me. The moment I saw the faceless creature, I Jumped out of the planter, pushing Katie away once again. As I ran I heard Katie shout “Jack! Wait for me!” Just as I turned around I saw the creature advancing on Katie. It was too late, I couldn't save her without risking my own life. Besides, there are plenty of other beautiful girls.   

“Jack! Help me! I love you!” She desperately shouted, as tears streamed down her face “Help!”

I Turned and ran, Ignoring her and telling myself not to look back. As I turned the corner I heard her scream out in pain, and then nothing, everything was quiet. I continued to run faster and faster until I got to the front door. Locked. I swore to myself angrily. Then I thought about what I did to Katie… what would everyone think?  I should go back.  As I ran back to where I left Katie I saw her, frozen like Cassie was. I cautiously walked forward. “Katie? Are you okay?” I whispered while approaching her. Something moved to my left. So I stopped and looked just as I saw a flash of the creature lunging at me. As I fell to the ground I felt a sharp pain where the creature touched my shoulder. I was blacking out. I didn't want to die. And as my vision faded away, I blacked out. Never supposed to awake again.                   

Author's Note

This is just the first chapter. Its not finished, but let me know what you think! :)

Reviews

[Joseph Clohessy]

I like it, there are areas that can be improved, but I like the feel and direction of the story.

The main thing I would say is an old rule of writing, "Show, don't tell".
It's kinda what Pink Witch already said, a bit more description. Don't just say the mall was dark and dreary, describe why it is that way in a few words. Maybe the lights were flickering, causing weird shadows. Maybe a strange smell brought something sinister or disgusting to mind or a sound or a lack of sound made them jump. Play around a bit and find what works for you.

Be mindful of repeating words, this is something I myself do all the time. I use a thesaurus to find alternate words when I get stuck on this, I have a huge paperback one next to my PC, but you can just as easily find a good one on-line.

But you have caught my attention with your tale so far, I already dislike Jack and that is the goal, to provoke a feeling in your readers.

Looking forward to where you are going with this.

Joseph.

[Alli]

Thankyou so much! :D I'll definitely work on that. :)

[Pink Witch]

First person narrative was so good. Chills!! I feel, if you have described the creature a little more clearly, without giving away the surprise, I could have connected more to the scene.
Otherwise a great job:)

[Alli]

Thanks! I do have some changes I need to make to the story :) so I'll try to do that. let me see if I can describe it without giving away what it is.... It kinda looks like slender men. you know the face does. :)

[Alli]

But thankyou so much for commenting! I didn't even think of that! :) Thanks!!

[Pink Witch]

you're welcome:) I'm eager to know :)