Aeon's Moon Chapter One: The Begining of an Unusal Story

Chapter One: we meet the hero of the story...if you can call him that...as he tells himself about a story hes dictating about his races history and being himself...

A dark a cold September night, a hooded figure with his arms spread, balancing on the edge of a curb, walks as he mutters something to himself. A strong breeze blows and he tips momentarily over the edge but catches himself and keeps walking.

Out of the silence his voice, small and high pitched, begins to echo as he starts his story. “Ok and from the top….” He mutters to himself, stopping in the breeze to correct himself before walking again. He coughs once….twice…. and then begins dictating his story to himself once again, acting as though he was talking to a crowd, feverish with anticipation to hear of this tale :

Once upon a time in a far away land….well actually not that far away today is what you call “Europe”: there lived 3 brothers. Their names were….well actually I can’t remember them so yeah…Anyone the first brother was a drinker of the blood, a vampire as humans call them, the second brother was a consumer of flesh and a mutt otherwise known as a werewolf to humans and Lycan as those big-headed idiots call themselves now a days. Anyway moving on: the final brother was well….I don’t know what he was  except for that he was dead so we’ll call him a Rotten.

These 3 brothers grew up alone until one day they stumbled across as small human child. The brothers had never met such a creature and enthralled by the small child’s beauty, yes she was a girl before anyone gets weird ideas; each brother decided he wanted to keep her for himself. The brothers fought and in their brawl the young girl was struck dead. When the brothers stop punching and kicking each other they turned and saw the young girl, dead, laying before their feet. The vampire turns to his brothers and cried “What have we done? We have taken the life of-“ 

“You know what-“The hooded boy stopped and sat down, laying his head on his knees as they curled up close to his body “This part is too long….how about I sum it up?” .

The boy smiled under his hood then stood up, he turned to walk again and noticed a pigeon, roosting on the edge. The boy suddenly went stiff then crouched down; he started slowly crawling towards the bird, one limb at a time, stalking like a large human cat. Quietly in his own head he continued his story.

The three brothers quarreled over the girl, each one blaming the other for her death. The first brother took the girl and walked off in one direction, claiming that he would do the honorable thing and return the body and ensure that none of her kind would ever be hurt by his brothers and their breed. The second brother, who despised the blood drinker, vowed to hunt down the clan of the girl and make his brother suffer and took off in another direction, going off to prepare himself for the coming war with his brother and his children. The third brother simply stood, saying nothing, and disappeared under the shadows of the trees and the mountains never to be heard from for thousands of days and nights that came after….

Suddenly, the boy lunged at the bird, cutting off his story as his only thoughts now were of catching the bird. The pigeon turned and started to flap its wings, trying to escape in panic. The boy undershot and lunged of the edge shouting to him “Crap….missed again….stupid birds-“. The boy smiled and felt the breeze as he started to fall off the side of the church.

Guess I’ll get it next time….

Author's Note

Yep, not a lot of self corrections so please feel free to suggest whatever you feel is needed, just be honest and nice. I'd especially like opinions about the boy's "story" about the 3 brothers. Finally, i modeled him after myself in away, so the way he talks and acts is like the way i do, so its meant to be weird xD

Reviews

[Rain]

hmmm...it was interesting enough, though i found it a bit confusing. Umm...i think the confusing part was when he was giving his opinions on the story like "yes she was a girl before you get any ideas" and parts like that. I think it's just me, but it sidetracks from the story. and he's talking to himself am i correct...so...why?

on a good note, the story of the three brothers is very interesting. I'm thinking that this has got some significant meaning to the other chapters?
the parts where the boy wasn't telling a story, i thought were more...sophisticated...(cant find the right word...) Like the first paragraph, it was detailed and descriptive, which i have to say, good job

and the way he talks and everything is finee!!

[Cheyanne-angele Lepka]

I quite like it, it's definitely interesting and different. There's a lot of gramatical errors, such as missing commas. With the commas what you can do is read it out loud, particularily the way that you would like it read, and where you pause, put a comma.
Another thing is in the first sentence, you shouldn't repeat 'a'. so instead of "A dark a cold September night" put: A dark, cold September night. It helps with the flow.
The only other thing i can think, is that you should make the voice of your narator and your character more distinct. I love the voice and actions of the character, it really brings intrigue to the story, and I look forward to reading more when I have time.
As for the story of the three brothers, I think it's brilliant, and am very intrigued as to where this stories going to go.

[Y.]

I like it. It's simplistic. I find it easier to follow than Rain probably because that's the way I think..

[AllenDeAeon]

thanks a lot Rain!
if anyone comments on anything, ill try and give them an explanation of some things or answer any questions using the review :p

there are 2 reasons he does this:
1. He's talking to himself because he is insane....kinda , you'll see it a lot more in 2nd chapter and later on, but you can kind of see it here with he trying to catch the bird.
2. I intended to have him acting like he is telling someone else the story, i did a bad job not even a job at all xD so i will fix that up.

And yes, the 3 brother story plays a HUGE influence in the later chapters. Lets just say this story isn't over yet ;p
2.