light (2)

edited and changed for the inclusion into my new book "Unknown Journey: A Voyage through Time"...original is also posted if you want to compare...

You’ve missed the message I sent today 

and lost the passion within.

You’ve left me in a moment of fear 

and now there’s no return.

I always knew which way I’d turn" 

straight forward toward the light,

but moving forward is the easy part; 

it’s leaving the past that’s hard.

So drown my love in the tears of shame 

for floundering in the abyss.

How can we salvage what we had 

when the ship flees through the mist?

Take time to not forget our life 

from then until forever.

It’s not my choice to end this race. 

it’s simply time to sever.

And never shall I lose from sight 

the message of above.

I’ll always know and feel the heat 

from the power of our love.

I spend what’s left of precious time 

and think with all my might,

what may have been and still can be 

once we ignite the light.

Author's Note

written: October 19, 2011
revised: December 15, 2012
Published April 16, 2013
photo: St. Augustine, FL (January 6, 2011)

Reviews

[smilempsn]

That was really a 'light' in the darkness.. Nicely written ^-^

[Allen Smuckler]

Thank you Smile for lightening my day...
allen

[smilempsn]

^-^

[Angi]

Allen, I really like this work. The message is beautiful. I am wondering if the flow of it would slip off the tongue better if you followed the rhyme scheme you started with the slant rhyme between 'abyss and mist' in the 5th and 6th stanzas? Maybe go all out with the rhyme, pepper it throughout or free verse the whole thing. What do you think?

[Allen Smuckler]

Actually Angi, that's a great observation and one I was VERY remiss in not picking up....too late now, already published....However...1st and 2nd stanza I used near/slant rhyme, within-return (I know it's a stretch, but the truth), However, the 3rd and 4th I pondered over during the editing of the book...and because there was so much to change, edit, or replace...I simply forgot to go back and work that out. So, If you picked it up, chances are others will too, hmmm. Oh well...I may change it here but nothing I can do about the book.
The pattern was ready: ab-cb; forget 3rd-4th; de-fe; gh-ih:etc. it's called the smucklerian style. It was actually written more as a free verse and I changed it so every other line would rhyme....think long-think wrong.
thanks for your thoughtful and thorough critique Angi. It is much appreciated and always welcomed.
I'm glad you pointed that out...now I won't sleep for a week ;)
allen

[Allen Smuckler]

iuniverse Chris....seen on Amazon, Barnes and Nobel and Google...and others of course...but if you can't find it on those sites, why have it anywhere else
thanks for asking...
allen

[Angi]

Allen, it is a beautiful piece! I am one to count syllables and go overboard, ripping through my thesaurus trying to find the perfect, soul searing rhyme! Not always a good thing. I am trying to relax and let things flow naturally in my own writing. I wouldn't want you to lose sleep over it! Geez. Now I will lose sleep over you losing sleep. Gaa! Angi

[Allen Smuckler]

I don't (take offense, that is)....I would be happy to connect with your two publishers..we all have to start somewhere...I think it came out ok...but for certain I learned a lot about the business..so by all means send those publishers this way..I've begun a 2nd book of poetry and am 2/3 finished with a memoir(isn) novel...you know what though, Chris...it doesn't really matter to me who publishes my work...it's jut so damn cool to see the finished product as long as it's professional (looking).
Course I may change my mind if I get good at this...
allen

[Allen Smuckler]

Angi, previous message was to Chris..I don't know if he'll get it or not...but disregard it for your purposes
allen

[Angi]

Allen, did you get mine in that shuffle up there^?

[Allen Smuckler]

sure did...Angi

[Coyote Poetry]

A amazing poem. St. Augustine is one of my favorite places. I like the photo and the memories/wishes shared. Thank you for the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Allen Smuckler]

as always, Coyote...thank you so much for reading and offering your feedback...as well as your kind words...
allen