The one not chosen

Life sucks right now...

My heart beats with yours, yet you chose her

When I see you, it flutters, so I mask it under mockery

You look past me, as if I'm invisible, and walk to her

Her heart is in sync with another, a friend

The one she loves is nowhere close to us

But she says she cares and you go on believing 

You and I, two who long for the same, we want

love, but you're blind to the truth,

only to leave me in pain

I shout at you throughout our conversations 

Dropping hints, hoping you'll catch onto it

Yet you don't, you just continue on with her

You tell me you're losing your mind

She isn't what you want in a partner

She doesn't satisfy your romantic needs

I help you through it, putting on a mask

I go on because I know we're meant to be

Even if you stay with her and ignore me

Author's Note

Feel free to leave feedback!

Reviews

[Arriam]

As someone who's been in somewhat the same situation, I can tell you that your struggle to stay strong for this person means that you do honestly love them- not that that helps the pain of it at all. i get it. But you're a much better person for continuing to fight, and you portray it all perfectly. Which is incredible, especially when something hurts like that. Thank you for submitting!
Arriam

[AllauraRose]

Thanks! I’m glad you liked it!

[angel]

Ha-- sounds like the same situation I had 44 years ago, except my unrequited love was for a man who was in love with his wife!
Soon as she called him home, he just left.
To be fair, he'd always said he would. I just didn't let that knowledge intrude...enjoy the time you've got, you know?
Now for the poem's structure...
except for a few mistakes in grammar, spelling, and punctuation, it looks pretty good.
My favorite part:

"You tell me you're losing your mind
She isn't what you want in a partner
She doesn't satisfy your romantic needs

I help you through it, putting on a mask
I go on because I know we're meant to be
Even if you stay with her and ignore me".

Very nice idea, Laura, is it?
You just need to learn some writing rules. If you truly have a deep love for words, it will be exciting to learn, and not a chore.
Try this: http://www.writerstreasure.com/creative-writing-101/
Most important of all: pay attention to what JayG says. HE knows.

[AllauraRose]

Ok, thank you so much!

[JayG]

Edit, edit, edit.
And do a reasonability test on everything:

• When I see you, it flutters and you can feel it
Seriously? Someone this person can see, who is ignoring them, can FEEL their heart? And they don't turn to look, or comment? Were I be able to feel the heartbeat of someone I'm not in contact with I'd dial 911 because their chest is about to explode. The line makes no sense.

• Her heart is in sink with another
In "sync." means beating together with another's. "In sink" is where you wash the dishes. 🤪

• The one she loves is no where close to us
The word you want is "nowhere."

• But she says she does and you go on believing
She does what? You don't say, You really mean "She says she loves you." In writing, you cannot say, "You know what I mean, because the reader has no access to your intent.

• You and I, two who long for the same
The same...what? This matters because the reader moves to L2 expecting this to continue, and it doesn't.

Two things: First, after you write a piece, put it aside for a day or two before editing and posting. You would have picked up most of what I mentioned, had you done that.

And of more importance, your protagonist, someone the reader knows nothing about, is complaining to someone not introduced, about issues unknown to the reader. Sure, you know the situation and background to it that caused it to be written, but your intent doesn't make it to the page. Your reader has only what the words suggest to THEM, and in this case, all they get is that someone, for unknown reasons, believes the person they want has an unfaithful lover. Are they accurate in that belief, or just bitter? Perhaps they're making up things to try to poison their relationship. No way to tell. So how much emotional impact can it have on the reader who hasn't become involved?

And that's my point. The reader doesn't want to be a bystander. They don't want to learn that someone they don't know wants someone they know nothing about. They don't care how desperately this person want's it, because you haven't made THEM want it.Your reader isn't seeking to know, they want to be made to feel.They want to be made to live the situation, not hear about it. They want you to make them want to write this letter. And that takes involving the reader, not informing them.

In other words, don't TELL them, SHOW them.

[AllauraRose]

How did I miss all those errors? I know, I didn't read through it a second time. I haven't written anything in a while, so I need to regain lost habits. Thanks for the advice and feedback, it really helped!