Goldmine Valentine

Self-discovery. Self-Recovery. A review. A Rant.

Constant Vigilance!!

Anyone who has read Harry Potter knows what that means and whom says it and why.

But to me it means much more than the ramblings of a retired Auror. It means that not only am I being watchful but I am the one being watched. Ever so closely.

People who have known me for quite sometime now, know that during my high school career I have been with quite a few people. And even those who haven't known me for quite a while, still know because I am so open about it. Well honestly, this is the change I have made. I have Stopped caring about what people think or say or believe. This is what has happened since last years Christmas break. In a, vague summary of it all. I came back to school. some girl told me that I have been cheated on. The girl I was so very much endeared with asked me out again. I agreed. All was well until I realized that I wasn't happy with her and my foolishness enraveled itself around a youth who helped me during the summer. I broke up with her and fooled around a bit. That is my mistake, I own up to it. Another mistake I made was trusting one of my closest friends to keep a secret for me No matter how much she denies it!!we were bestfriends and I have proof AND I quote from last years yearbook "omg so guess what...? I love you!! You are the bestest friend, you've been there for me every time I had a s**t day and you always can make me laugh. Those damn bunnies, lol anywho, you are the awesomest and you better call me so we can go do stuff this summer!" You have engulfed yourself in more lies than I ever have you f*****g b***h.And all you can ever do is just lie to yourself to make yourself feel better.

That mistake bit me in the a*s and for the longest time I thought I was never going to be happy again. until I met two very unlikely boys. My dear sweet friend Alex. Who has been there for me rain and shine. And my handsome smart witty Richard. Who can make me smile with just his presence. I adore and love them both. I don't know where I would be without them. God knows I don't deserve either of them.

Have you ever gotten the feeling that something so amazing can be too good to be true? That something you believe to be sooo perfect can have just ONE most gigantic flaw? How can anybody, in this godforsaken age, in a high school state, feel that anything can be worthy of being called "pure" or anything similar. Anything Godly. People f**k up. I f**k up....All the time. I am so far from perfect that, just like most of us "confused misunderstood adolecents", feel alone. That we have absolutely nobody to talk to because we believe to be unique in our problems, that it is IMPOSSIBLE that anyone else could have that very same problem. WELL YOUR F*****G WRONG.

I don't care WHAT it is thats going on in your f*****g life, you are NOT alone. There are plenty of people who would just love to talk to you and make you feel better. Me being one of them. Want to know why?

Because people rather deal with someone else's problem then deal with their own first. Never knowing that the answer that they give to other people can be their answer too. And the universal answer is : No matter what you do in your life, there is always the promise of tomorrow to make it so its in your favor. You can't just sit there and hope for it to happen. because its not. YOU have to be your own solution and DO something about it.

Look, I didn't write this to lecture people.  I honestly wrote this because I am a fucked up person. Last night I spoke with my exgf, talking about how we almost kissed. My boyfriend found out because he read my messages because I gave him my myspace password. So he was mad at me the whole day. I cried the whole day. Im not sure why, because I didnt really do anything wrong. Nothing happened. But I understand why he was upset. What I didnt appreciate, was the feeling of being more of a daughter than a girlfriend to him. Im being constantly watched. And I know he means it for the best, because he cares. God bless him and his beautiful soul. I really couldnt ask for a better mate.

I have songs stuck in my head. The ones on my myspace to be exact. Random, I know. But idk, as they play, theres lyrics that just catch my attention. And mixing all those lyrics, made this long stupid blog. My way of venting I guess. Sometimes I just can't help myself but to fall into mistakes. And I know I'm not alone in that. I am sure that all of us commits a mistake everyday. And mistakes are mistaken as something bad. We havent taken the miss of the fact that we are human and we are prone to error. And our only hope is to move on, be forgiven, so we can forgive ourselves.

If you have been reading up to this point, I commend you. You are either a good friend or extremely bored. Either way, it deserves to be rewarded. And heres your reward:

i <3 you

I hope you all enjoy your lives as we enter a new year. Remember to make the most of it.To seize the say as you see fit and that you only live once.

Adeu,

Khrystina Al-itzah

 

"Nothing is easier than Self-deciet. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true." - Demosthenes

Author's Note

originally written December 30th

Reviews

[With Each Raindrop Come..]

wow, you have a lot of bent up rage! hehe just like me I tend to well... not stop when it comes to hitting someone.... lol I guess have a problem lol