Equality Illusion

A response to an online course assignment about the false equality experienced within the education system in America.

Sorry for the delay-- 

There has never been a more significant comparison toward femininity than a straightjacket-- although invisible, it is universally fitting and decorated with tiny, faded primrose blooms, delicate laces made for dolls and the unwritten, unspoken expectations of a life lived within the confines of acceptable, demure behavior. A female is not a warrior, she is not the "sole protector of this household" and when she is, she is stigmatized. I've worn this straightjacket since childhood with every comment a family member made about keeping my legs closed while sitting, I've worn it during every baseball game when I, the only girl on the little league team, would out-hit, out-run or out-play one of the boys and then be shamed for "showing them up" and I continue to wear it today as I attempt to step into a public leadership position while being sure to not go to work without eye liner and earrings that dangle so that people "respect my authority". As a woman, there is no gender fluidity allowed in public spaces if the woman wants to be both respected as well as liked by her peers because she must be a know-all, do-all, and look-all representation of strength and beauty with a touch of maternal instinct and an interchangeable attitude that can both make a person feel smarter than her while "getting sh!t done". 

This is a feeling I have lived with my entire life. I shouldn't have been laughed at IN THE FACE when I told Carlos I liked him in 7th grade, I shouldn't have been the only girl studying the CAD machine in shop class in middle school and I shouldn't have chosen to take up my mom's clarinet over my dad's drums in third grade because, to quote myself at 9 years old, "drums are for boys". 

We continue to create a myriad of educational opportunities for children to be genderless and inclusive yet we still exclude ourselves and promote gendered roles of conduct and exclusion from events, projects and skills that are traditionally undertaken by the sex associated with the task. We still sit here and fight for what is right and just when it comes to gendered work, play and love yet we still tell our daughters to cover up and we still dress sexy when we go out. Where would I be today if I hadn't stopped trying so hard in sports classes in order to be as girly as the rest of my class? Why do I still feel uncomfortable going to the gym in a regular t-shirt and not a racer-back running shirt? 

It wasn't until highschool, when boys started expressing interest in every other girl except me, did I start to really look at myself and ask why? After studying the girls who were getting attention, my answer was that I wasn't quiet enough, I smiled too big and I was too excited and expressive around people. I started looking at my own body language and moulding it around the small movements other girls in my class made- when I was upset with myself at school after a particularly awkward interaction in which I was not further included in the conversation while others were, I would say in my head, "you're a girl, you're a girl, you're a girl", in order to make movements small and delicate, especially if   boys were around. I still can't open up fully, even just socially and platonically to men, especially those that are attractive, because once I perceive to observe a glance of disinterest, I feel inadequate, not worthy of their attention and it's the absolute worst feeling.  

Why? Why do we perpetuate this ideal smallness? Why do we perpetuate this ideal meakness? Why is demureness valued above strength and leadership capabilities? One of my favorite ideas comes from a book written by Traci Slatton called "Immortal" in which a young boy who lives on the streets in 15th century Rome makes his way up in society yet still feels like a street urchin-- the idea is this: once a dog is caged for it's whole life, it will always think it is caged even when the cage is removed. It now reacts only to cages of the mind. We may be living in a society that promotes genderless or female empowered activities, sports, events and ideals but we, at least until a few generations phase out, will always be living within the "cages of the mind" of what is considered appropriate female behavior, which is first and always taught primarily through our education system.   

Reviews

[gracendrpressure]

Alisha--
Maybe what I want to say to you takes too long and is too complex to scribe in this review alone. So let me preface this brief overview by saying that I invite you to message me, friend me, have a conversation with me concerning this piece. I want to. Because I think there's a lot we can learn from one another, and because I have a measure of admiration for your word choice--and its not easy to impress me.
I think your comparison of femininity to an article of clothing is accurate. However, while it is a straight-jacket to you, it is a lovely dress to most girls. I won't try to patronize you, but you must realize that not everyone fits in. Certainly not me with the norms of masculinity, and it seems nor do you fit with femininity. I even look down upon some aspects of gender norms as superficial, shallow, etc., but I for one recognize that they're norms because most people fit into them--not because most people want ME to fit into them. You must understand that of course people want the world to be like them. They want familiarity and cohesiveness and ease of relation. People are naturally attracted to like minds. Thats fine. Live and let live. You and I seek different attitudes, have different hearts and different minds, and all we have to do is understand and respect that they only want the world to feel and be shaped like them, just as we do. Even if they don't understand that fact, our understanding alone removes the conflict--we, with our more objective understanding, can forgive them for their inability to empathize and understand. As Alden Nowlan said, "The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise." Forgiveness is the first step to being at peace with both your identity and the chosen identities of every other individual you meet.
In response to your point about high school and the interest of boys, I must say that I myself prefer the traits in a girl that you exhibit: driven, forward, expressive, assertive....interesting, if you will. Perhaps you didn't meet the right boy. I didn't meet the "right" girl until junior year, and even though it didn't end so well due to personal issues and circumstantial conditions, I recognized that she was probably the only girl in that highschool who was into the very niche and uncommon person that I am. But I never changed who I was to try to get a girlfriend. I trusted my identity and my personality in their inherent strengths to carry interest for the right girl when she did come along. You, too, must stand strong and uphold your principles and identity. Embrace them unflinchingly, because anyone who criticizes or disagrees isn't someone you'd want to mix with anyway.
Let me rephrase for more punctual understanding: a relationship will 100% never work out if you're pretending to be something you're not. At some point it breaks down and you have to be your true self with them, and in that case you should honestly just do it from the beginning. Settling only for the people who like you for what you already are isn't settling at all.
I admit that I disagree with most of your assumptions about society, the education system, and the nature of how gender manifests within people.
But I think it will only take a few conversations here and there for us to reach understanding of one another's stances. And I'd really, really like to have those conversations.
It's hard to explain, but I feel empathy for what you have written here which has struck me considerably. And though it sounds conceited, again, it is very difficult for such things to strike me with such strong conviction and interest. I feel our experiences our connected on an existential level, but only in parallel. I want to explore those if you'd permit it.

I recognize the enormous proposition I've just laid out there, but I defer you to the few pieces I've written so far on this website. Perhaps reading them will spark interest in you, in turn. And if so, I've got a lot more pieces where those came from, most of which I will never publish but if the connection exists here as it seems to my mind presently, perhaps you'll get to peruse some of it.
I'm gonna be honest, I started out on this website seeking inspiration to write my own piece, but I have now thus devoted my energy to an entirely different and honestly more curious endeavor.
fate permitting,
--// () /- ]-[