Dreamworld Ch. 1

Elise describes her life before and after her rape.

It's hard to describe your life. It's hard to describe what's on your mind or how your day went, when your not even sure. A year ago, it would of all been so easy. It would of been simple to tell a person how my day went. Cause all my days began and ended the same. A blueberry bagel with light cream cheese as a honest breakfast, dance studio at 10:15, class in the afternoon, party with Lia at night and work on the weekends. However, life can change in minutes. That's how time operated. One moment of good or bad can create chaos or peace. In my case, it had created indifference. Today was the one year anniversary of my rape and to most peoples' surprise I wasn't crying, depressed, or miserable. Quite frankly, I didn't give a damn. It was life and in life, s**t happens.

I refused to be the girl that got raped and had to let the whole world know. I've seen women do documentaries, write books, even make films all about the impact rape had on their lives. And every time I couldn't help but think, how vain they were. The damsel in distress act gets old after a while and that role was never for me to play. Whether people realized it or not, rape doesn't always leave traumatizing scars. It may cause you to be paranoid, to rethink the people who you surround yourself with, but never make you lose your mind. At least not me.

I've had moments though. Moments where I've felt as if my heart would stop. Extreme moments of anxiety and uncertainty. Not knowing what would happen next frightened me more than I was willing to admit. Just this morning as I walked through a shopping plaza on my way towards the Queen Dance Studio, it happened. A man who probably paid me little to no attention at all was walking directly behind me. My body and mind went on high alert. I quickened my pace. A million thoughts running thru my head about whether he was killer or rapist. Whether he planned to kidnap then rape me, or just torture me till my passing. All these graphic thoughts came into my mind in mere seconds. Then the man turned and walked into a grocery store I had just passed. I instantly became calm and relaxed myself. I had survived another possible attack. I wasn't afraid to admit I feared men to an extent. I had experienced what kind of power they had. That's the one blessing of being raped. I would never take my safety for granted ever again. So every man I came into contact with had to be treated like a potential threat. In the past, I would have been foolish enough to not keep notice of my surroundings. I would walk carelessly to the store, school, or whatever I needed to go. In my mind, nothing and no one would ever hurt me. What would be the point? I was always a good person. Yes, I had made mistakes as any other human being would. But I had done nothing that would justify me being sexually assaulted.

Then there was Hayden. I had met him exactly two months before the assault occurred through my best friend Lia. Before the incident, I wasn't much attracted to him. I never thought he was my type. He was so shy and it wasn't that it turned me off, just made it harder for me to get to know him. After my assault, I gravitated towards him. He was mysterious and didn't say much, but he made me feel something that no other man could.

He made me feel safe. 

"Elise...Elise, did you hear what I just said?"

"Y-Yes I did," I stuttered. "I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention."

Susanna's voice awakened me from my daze of thoughts. She had been my dance instructor ever since my step-mom and I moved to New York. Overall, she was a good instructor and her studio was decent. It was just her personality I found obnoxious. 

"Clearly," she replied. "Now, we only have ten minutes left for today so we'll just end it early and pick up next week. This weekend I want you to practice on your foot work. It's getting very sloppy, okay?"

"I will," I said looking down. She nodded, then turned and walked out. Sighing, I turned and headed for the locker room. I was frustrated. Not necessarily with Susanna, but more so with myself. I knew what she said was true I just didn't want to hear it. Dancing was my one true passion and I was failing at it. Or at least that's how I felt.

I was always so good at dance, it always came natural for me. Now I just couldn't seem to concentrate or focus on it. Or anything for that matter.