Prologue

The story begins

“In a time of trial, when men slay each other without remorse, one shall come to walk above the rest. This Promised One shall have power that was never seen before, and shall use this power to promote a goodness that all should strive for. Much like a phoenix, she will be born out of the ashes of a long gone culture to create a new, whole world, free from tyranny and strife.” 

When shadows fall across a land filled with happy people, the wise ones know to be worried. Leopold of Garon was considered the wisest of the wise, and consequently, he was the most worried. He consulted all of the books he had in his vast library and contacted fellow elders by the fastest means possible, trying to find the cause and solution to the mysterious darkness. 

He searched for days, finding nothing. The darkness remained. He, and his associates, turned to the scrolls they all had hidden in their personal collections. These were the prophecies of old, the ones that were merely whispers of ink on parchment that turned to dust the minute one handled them too roughly. It was here that Leopold found a prophecy from the days of the old tribal wars, wars that wrecked the once peaceful land now called Alinzar.

It was supposedly written by one of the old shamans, mages that were self taught and traveled with their tribe. When Leopold started to read this particular prophecy, he realized that it would be prudent to copy it first, so that multiple viewings would not damage it. However, dear, old Leopold no longer had the eyesight of his youth, and, whether because of his failing eyesight or his prejudice, he dropped one letter in the transcription, a single ‘s’ that changed the path of that land forever. What was once ‘she’ was now ‘he’ and the esteemed leaders with whom Leopold was acquainted with and who he asked to verify his findings, decided that since the savior of the world was obviously a man, there was no use teaching women the skills to save the world.

Author's Note

This is actually the most edited of all the chapters. Is there any hope for it at all?

Reviews

[Arutha]

I believe I am recalling this concept for a bygone era, a time when stories were scrawled on ancient machines called laptops, a time of primitive man when one might share one's story with another and... well you get the drift.

At any rate, this a wicked awesome idea, and the whole "not-so-happy accident" totally makes me think Comedy of Errors. I think it's going to really grab the reader, but I have one, ultimate suggestion... which is going to make you hate me. So drink some relaxing chamomile or something before you read this. These are, of course, probably all awful suggestions.

I would like to see this elaborated on a bit. I mean, this is one of the few cases where I actually feeling "telling" me the story works much more effectively than letting me live it, but I just wish I had a little bit more. A little more background on Leopold (like where'd that giant library come from?) for starters.

Also, "When shadows fall across a land filled with happy people, the wise ones know to be worried." Maybe re-word the bit about "happy people," and explain a bit more about what "shadows" means.

Also, while the bit about "prejudice" is actually pretty funny, does it fit in with your world? I mean, if it does then right on, but I know that "traditional" fantasy typically goes with a more old-world approach where - while a lot of women may be B.A. sword-wielding warriors - there is still a distinction between the typical role of a man and the typical role of a woman, and as such, a fantasy book wouldn't (in my understanding) treat the assumption of male dominance as "prejudice" per say. But I'm really just throwing that out there in case you hadn't considered it... which you probably have, and you probably have a perfectly good reason for going that route, and it's probably going to be more awesome than this run-on sentence. Which is pretty awesome.

I also like the elements of the world that you've brought in here, from the ancient prophecies to the tribal wars, and some allusions to the coming strife. I'm pumped to read your re-worked story!

[Jamal]

Arutha, there's no need to get so technical, it's a prologue it's just a foreshadowing of the rest o the book.

anyways the title grabbed my attention, the prologue was very captivating and if this is just the beginning i can't wait to see, where the rest of it goes

[MoonlitAngel]

I really like the start, with the prophecy. I also like that it isn't in rhyme formation, it just is. I most particularly like, "Much like a phoenix, she will be born out of the ashes..." It's a fantastic line. I think you could do some rewording with the prophecy though, make it seem more ominous and foreboding - one great way to do this is to use large vocabulary. Don't shy away from a thesaurus. Many people use them; it's a fantastic way to increase your vocabulary as well as make your writing sound more sophisticated. Just make sure that you use the word correctly.

“When shadows fall across a land filled with happy people, the wise ones know to be worried. Leopold of Garon was considered the wisest of the wise, and consequently, he was the most worried.” These two lines give me the impression it’s a book written for kids. I don’t know who your intended audience is, but if it’s for YA or adults, you might want to get more sophisticated with your writing. The things that stick out to me the most that make it seem “kid-like” is, “filled with happy people”, and the repeating of “the wise ones know to be worried…wisest of the wise…he was the most worried”. You’ve already stated that the wise ones know to be worried. Instead of repeating the already known fact that the wisest of the wise is going to be the most worried, describe Leopold of Garon in a way that makes the reader respect him but not because he is the wisest. I hope that made sense. >_<

“…by the fastest means possible…” What are these means? Put more detail in what you’re writing. Right now you’re writing the basics, setting up the foundation of the words. Now you need to go back in and paint your designs, paint the image of what you want your audience to see with words. You have blank walls, which is okay. But you want to entice your audience and have them fascinated with each stroke of the brush, each stroke of the pen.

“The darkness remained.” What is this darkness? Is it literal darkness or just an ominous feeling? Is just there or is getting worse? Is it affecting the land in some way? Like cattle, birds, the plants, forests, are any of them being affected? Are the people freaking out or are they ignoring it, deciding to pretend like there isn’t this inevitable doom?

“He, and his associates,…” you don’t need the commas there.

“These were the prophecies of old, the ones that were merely whispers of ink on parchment that turned to dust the minute one handled them too roughly.” This line… Absolutely fantastic. Make one change, and it’s just a grammatical error: the comma should be a semi-colon. But the detailing, the wording, the image that you painted with your mind… I mean, that is just incredible. This line tells me that you have the makings of a great writer. You know how to formulate words to make it sound eloquent and beautiful; you just need to do it.

Well the feminist in me just got a little angry, since women aren’t allowed to know the ‘secrets’ of saving the world. Great ending, it really entices the reader to keep going. Although, I think you should expand deeply on this prologue. Instead of telling us what happened, show it to us. Where is this place he is searching? Describe it to us, make us see the place not just have an empty canvas with vague outlines of parchment and old people.

This story has fantastic potential, and focus first on expanding on your prologue. Paint the picture that you see in your mind. All of it – nothing is too irrelevant to put down. Great start, I’m looking forward to reading more.

[Evangeline Warren]

Thank you so much! I actually have a chapter that tells the story of the prophecy and how it came to be, so fear not! I'll be uploading chapters once I edit them.

Thanks for the awesomely constructive review!

[MoonlitAngel]

Awesome, glad I could help! Can't wait to see the next chapter. :D