Identity Crisis

This is... well, yeah. Please read this if I've ever commented something in a review or reply that you thought was weird or made you uncomfortable.

What am I?

Who am I?

I don’t know,

I’m a runner I’m a writer I’m a Reader I’m a sister

I’m a daughter,

I’m a student I’m a Catholic I’m a mentor I’m a role model

I’m a friend,

I’m whatever you want me to be,

I’m the labels you put on me

I’m the labels I put on myself

I am nothing, I am only people’s perceptions of me

I am something, I am real I exist I matter

I don’t live in a vacuum,

I touch people’s lives I’m important I mean something to them

They would hurt if I were gone.

 

Why am I here?

What is my purpose?

Why was I put on this Earth,

Is there a point to my existence?

There has to be

I have to find it

I’m trying to find it,

Trying to reach out to people

Trying to be that light

I’m just naïve I’m just stupid I’m just ignorant I’m just an idiot

I don’t know how they’ll react,

I never think of all the scenarios

I’m not worldly I’m stuck inside this little box called my head

I am blind,

I’m like a pressure cooker bomb

All I do is end up hurting people

Or do I really,

Do they even care do I even mean anything to them

Do my words mean anything?

 

People have told me I think too much

I guess I’m doing that right now

But I can’t help it,

These thoughts get trapped inside my head

And they start spinning around and around

Building up pressure

I’m like a blender,

So many different things get put in and they all get mixed together and torn apart

Analyzed for every detail,

I hurt myself with this obsessing I put my hand in while the blades are still turning

There goes all the skin on my fingers,

I’m bleeding now, let’s think about blood for a while

Put pain in the mix.

I think about things too much and I have to tell somebody

I can’t help it,

I’m like a can of soda that you shake and shake and shake until the pressure builds up

And I have to pull back the tab and let it out or I’ll explode,

But I end up partially exploding anyway

And somebody always gets hurt,

People don’t want to listen to my problems they have their own my problems give them problems

I’m a monster,

I destroy what makes them happy I make them doubt I turn them into their own blenders

I’m not trying to,

I don’t want to hurt you I don’t want to upset you I’m not trying to judge you I’m just confused,

Can you see I’m the one with the problems

Sure you have problems too

But this pain is my fault?

Don’t turn away don’t laugh at me don’t try to make me hurt more

This is real for me,

This is a problem this hurts me this is all I can think about

This everything,

What am I what am I doing how can I make people feel this way

How can I feel this way?

 

What is this feeling?

What is it doing to me?

Why do I let this control me

What is reality?

I am not my emotions

I am not my moods

These things are fleeting

I have faith

Faith is constant,

I have things I will never let go of

I have things that will always be here

Even if the bomb explodes

And the can bursts

And the blender rips all of the flesh from my fingers

I will still be holding on,

I want to hold on I want to believe

What are my emotions?

They make me doubt,

They make me empty they make me write they make me broken they make me human

Sometimes I don’t want to feel,

Where is the faith where is the mustard seed where is the hope where is the peace

Why can I not feel it?

I don’t have to feel it for it to exist

It’s there I’m the problem,

It’s there I am not my emotions.

 

My emotions are a part of me

But they do not define me,

My thoughts, my desires are a part of me

But they are not who I am,

My actions, my words

They are important but they are not all there is to me,

My past has shaped me but it is my future that really counts.

The ones I love are a part of me

But they do not define me,

My sexuality is a part of me

But it is not my identity.

My height, my eye color the shade of my skin

The fact my fingers turn white in the cold because the blood vessels constrict

They are pieces of me, beautiful pieces

But they are not all of me,

I am a body and a soul

I am lovely I am a child of God,

I am beautiful I am cherished though I hate myself I am loved enough to die for

I am confused,

I am searching for answers

I am trying to sort through my emotions

I am holding on,

I am growing

I am learning

I am praying

I am feeling

I am being,

I am doing what I hope to be right

And trying to heal what I think to be not

I am human,

I am flawed I am in pain I am stupid I will cause you pain

I am sorry,

I am imperfect I am wrong many times but there are times I am right and I am powerful,

I am called I am unique I have a purpose I am discovering the road made for me

I am imperfect,

I’ll never really know what’s going on

But that’s okay,

I can’t save the world it’s already been saved and I need saving just as much

But I’ll do my best to tell others that both of us have been.

Author's Note

All I can say is... I think the people who say I think too much are right. :)

Reviews

[GalaxyGhost]

People are so complex. As an Asian, it's funny seeing all the stereotypes people see and strangely enough, there are some truth that got twisted in those stereotype. Yes, I eat rice and I love seafood because the Philippines is an island--what else should we eat? Heck's sakes, it's an island surrounded by sea water. When that becomes a stereotype is when it's exaggerated or mocked into something I should be ashamed of (like culture shaming, I guess). I think you accurately put how people, regardless of race, are so complex and sometimes, there are aspects that society talks about that are actually true. I'm probably not making any sense, and if doesn't make sense: let me say how awesome this poem is because people are so interesting and intricate that we have to ask what we are.

[AliciaB]

Thank you! Yes, that does make sense... there's way more to people than we realize. How are we supposed to pretend to understand others when we don't even understand ourselves? XD

[GalaxyGhost]

Amen! I agree with that.

[Raylene]

Very powerful I love the self battle in this dear I hate labels myself and the line where you say you need just as much saving really puts all of it into harmony of one's battle in who and what they are and why well done.

[AliciaB]

Thank you!

[Raylene]

Anytime dear

[Firemay]

Wow thay was amazing !
It felt like you were in a debate with yourself when you wrote this, as if you weren't sure what you're gping to write and you just wrote your thoughts over and over. One time you say that you exist and that people care and you matter but then you go and talk about the blender. You have a lot of confused thoughts in this piece. But i like it because that's how our mind works, one time we think we are good and the other we feel useless and unloved.
I just hope that the suicidal sayings aren't entirely true... Keep smiling and Keep Writting!
Great piece
p. s. can you please write in my piece "why i write", why you write?
Thanks :)

[AliciaB]

Thank you so much! You are quite right about my thought process while writing this... actually, it wasn't that much of a process, it was more like, KABLAM! WORDS!!!!! :) I truly appreciate your concern. Don't worry about the dark stuff - I've got far too much to live for to consider that. Thank you for the lovely review. Of course I will add to your piece!

[Firemay]

OH good!
you had me woried.
THank you and you are welcome...

[Dynafox]

It's hard to answer the question who am I? Because anything anyone thinks of, no matter how divine and meaningful, we don't think that's an accurate portrayal of everything we are and feel on the inside. A great question to always ask, but one I believe could never be answered but still important to explore.

[AliciaB]

Thank you! I agree.

[Cyprian Van Dyke]

Whoa, a very well expressed vent!

"I am something, I am real I exist I matter," i love art that has a scientific connotation!

"Building up pressure
I’m like a blender,
So many different things get put in and they all get mixed together and torn apart
Analyzed for every detail," great powerful words and imagery!

[AliciaB]

Thank you so much! And I love connections between science and art as well. :)

[Cyprian Van Dyke]

You're most welcome! *hugs*

[I am that I am]

This is beautiful, AliciaB. These questions are the most important ones that mankind can ask. Who is confused? Who is searching? Who thinks? Is this one consistent; or does this one fade as a leaf in the wind, being taken with the breeze? Are we the same person every second? One moment, we're thinking; the next, we're confused; then we're happy. Who is the doer of things? We ask "Who am I?", but who is asking? Are there two selves; one self to know the self, and the other self to be known? We say I am this and I am that; but we cannot be two things. There are no two selves. We so easily get caught up in the comings and goings of our fleshly and worldly existence, that we lose sight of who we really are. There is no self that his life pertains to, unless a self is believed to exist. This is the message of religion; to transcend the worldly things which pertain to mankind, and abide in God. Excellent work, AliciaB. I enjoyed reading your thoughts.

[AliciaB]

Thank you so much! I appreciate your insights.

[LastMonth]

Phase one;

Who I am to other people,
Examples;
Writer - To people who read what I write
Reader- To people whose writing I read,
Sister - To my sibiling
Runner- To people who saw me run,
Labels, pretty much. Both self imposed and exterior.

The second phase was about,
Questions and flaws. I liked it. Probably too harsh on yourself.

But what I loved the most about this poem was mostly the whole idea of 'What defines' a person. In my younger days (Still pretty young, just.. Young-er.) I really stood by my belief that 'What we do is what define us, everything else is irrelevent.' In a way, I still think that is the most powerful aspect of who we are as people, our actions.

Surely we can't ignore thoughts, emotions, aspirations and history as part of the painting.
It's easy to judge people by 'Actions' alone, It seems fair. Why should I care if a murderer has good thoughts..?

Still there's no right or wrong here.
Only questions that add up. You created a fine piece, one that ends with hope and resolve to impass onto others your newfound accpetence.

What can I say other then thank you for letting us into the depths of your beautiful, flawed and vulenrable mind..?

[AliciaB]

Thank you so much! It really means a lot.

[Shabeeh Haider]

Confused thoughts. We have all gone through this identity crisis where we try to find ourselves, try to decipher the meaning of our existence, try to understand our relation with this world and try to understand why we are even here.
Life becomes so much simple once we find out what we want from life and what life expects from us.

[AliciaB]

Thank you! The only problem is... do we ever really find that out? :)

[unspokenpain]

I really like how the first part stands out. "I'm the labels you put on me, I'm the labels I put on myself." We are defined to society by our labels. Not that this is a good or bad thing as labels themselves are just a form of identity. We cannot learn or live in a world without labels as we would not be able to identify the difference between water and land, whats good for us and whats bad for us. We are taught at a young age what certain things are labeled, like the color red or what is a girl or boy. After a certain point we hit an age were we start to identify and label things ourselves, however just like how red is red because we say it is, so is our own labels. If everyone in the world is taught red is red, then we all agree on that. Yet not the whole world is taught what all my labels are unlike a beetle is, or what makes red. So we find ourselves with split labels. To some i'm labeled a writer, to others a friend, and to others a student. What rings well with this poem is you express yourself in this poem but also ring truth that can hit us all and make us truly think. Well done.

[AliciaB]

Thank you so much! Very true. I appreciate it!