The deeper the thinking, the darker the thoughts

I spoil him and spoil him and spoiled him
But I always get made the bad guy.
Maybe I am the bad guy, the bad guy never thinks they are bad right? They always think they are doing the right thing
But do bad guys usually hate themselves?
Do bad guys cry when they get made out to be the bad guy?
Do bad guys break so easy?
Break at a few little words?
A few people not believing them?
Do they silence themselves? Cry themselves to sleep?
Do they hug a teddy bear to make it all better because the only person who has ever tried is now always the reason for they're pain?
Do they try over and over again to make it stop, and always make it worse, and then break..
I always break, I feel so fragile sometimes, like a cracked glass cup slowly falling through the thick winter air onto a hard tile floor next to a heated stove, the air filled with water from a pot of it on top of the stove.
Doesn't matter if the cup is half empty or half full when it's shattered across the floor and thrown away.
If a villian does all of this, how do they always seem so strong? Before every downfall they handle it so well. Transform everything to anger.. I tried that for awhile, because crying is annoying. But whenever I got angry, I'd make things worse and harm myself or cry anyways. I tried blaming other people, but when they leave all I have to blame is myself..
Villians aren't this pathetic, this weak, this fragile.. they are strong, fierce, full of determination.. that's what makes them a challenge. And I'm definitely not a hero.. I'm just the weak little girl who sits in her bed at night, writing peotry, reading quietly, spoiling boys who break her heart, and crying. Crying crying crying until her eyes dry up and she falls asleep, until she shakes and clenches the bed and dreams of goblins and ghouls and murderers and haunted houses and death, the death she waits so eagerly for. No.. villians aren't like this, I'm simply prey.. waiting to be fed on.. and I know he'd deny it all, and probably rightly so.. I can't say what's right or wrong because all I've ever been surrounded by is wrong.. filthy wrong.. I'm constantly scared I'm doing the wrong thing, thinking the wrong thing.. I'm not sure when I'm justified and preyed on, or being a manipulative bully.. I'm so lost in this fucked up head of mine and there's no escape, it's a maze and I'm not a mouse who knows how to get out.. I feel like a prinkly green cactus who scares away anyone willing to help. I'm broken and I don't know how to get fixed, and the more I try to get help, the more they break me. I'm not sure what to do anymore, I just wanna give up but for some reason I cant cease this yearning, yearning for a peaceful life, a loving life.. a life where I get spoiled.. a life where I don't get headaches from my own fucked up twisted head telling me I'm useless, telling me I'm wrong, telling me to ditch everyone because they are bloody idiots.. it's so controversial.. so condricting..
I don't know anymore, and I feel more broken then ever. I just want it to be over with.. I just want goodnight hugs that cease these horrible thoughts.. that wipe away my flooding endless stream of tears..
That hug me until I choke on happiness.. any amount of happiness.. I'm starting to forget what genuine happiness feels like anymore, I haven't felt it since.. since before her, before the love of my life left me here..
Before I made the promise that I would follow her.. but I know she wouldn't want that, but I can't help but be in endless pain in this lonely world.. even when dying, she was happier then I could ever be in my healthiest moments..they say that God is the simple solution, but I've tried every religion, and even the one I relied on, confided in and finally believe in is.. torturing me, because I'm no hero, I'm no victim, I'm no fighter.. I'm no villian or guider or confidee or whisper of wisdom.. I'm prey, I'm here to feed the people worth the breath I take away from them.. and that's why I'll die a lonely, miserable girl, who has to much self pity to know what to do with.

Throw the broken glass pieces of what's left of me away, I dont wanna be here anymore.. you can't fix someone who was born to be broken