The big blue abyss

Inspiration credit goes to ellen hopkins.

Someone once told me, when i said "whatever floats your boat"
That he only had a plank,
But you should hold on tight to that plank..
Because once you let go,
There's no lifeguards to save you
And you just sink..
Deeper and deeper,
Screaming for help,
But no one can hear you,
Your stranded.. All alone
And then you realize as your sitting in this bright blue,
Why cant i swim?
So you try harder, and then sink deeper
And then you wonder..
Why aren't i drowning?
You take shallow breaths in fear that if you didn't,
You might drown.
And then the suns light begins to dim.. And you look down, to see an infinite blue abyss
You begin to think, because that's all there is left todo
First you wish for a lifeguard, staring into that abyss,
But then you look up, to see that.. Even if there was a lifeguard, could he reach you?
Of course he could!
Your to scared to doubt yourself.
And as you gaze into the darkness once more,
You wonder.. What kind of monsters lay, waiting down deep for you?
You begin to get frantic..
Trying to swim up again,
And you hear a splash..
Was that me?
You pause, listening...
And you hear another splash. You scream
Try to get their attention
"Save me!"
Splash.. Splash..
You know they cant hear you, but your to scared of that abyss to care, you start frantically squirming.. Swimming trying so hard to reach that now faint light..
You know there up there somewhere
You just have to reach them,
You pray for god to let your voice reach them.. But you just keep sinking deeper
You pause again, waiting for the splash
But this time you don't hear one.
So you let your body sink..
And then the blueness.. Gets coated with black.
The blackness, oddly seems comforting.
That blue was getting to be depressing.
And then you start to think again,
About how much you wish you held on to that boat..
To how little you appreciated what you had.
You wish to go back to the whiteness.
To the fresh air, and then you begin to wonder again,
Why am i not drowning?
You give up on that question--
Splash.
Then you begin to think,
You have fallen so deep, could they even save you?
Their voice screams, but their words cannot reach you down in the blackness.
Is this it?
You let out a sigh, along with your hope.
And then all of a sudden..
You start to blame yourself
If you just tried harder,
If you just didn't let yourself sink to begin with..
If you could just make the light reach down here.. In the deep dark blackness..
And then you think about your family,
All the people who care about you.
You don't want them to get hurt,
You never wanted that.
More of the blame game..
You start to think about how hard they must be searching right now..
And then it hits you,
How could you hear the splashes?
But you ignore that thought, to afraid of what it might mean..
You try to ignore the guilt, as well
So you begin to think about life,
But your life was never that splendid to begin with..
It was much like this black coated blue abyss,
Dark..
Cold..
Scary..
You begin to think about, how much like their words couldn't reach you in this abyss, they couldn't in the white either..
How your words could never reach their ears, even if you were right next to them.
And then you hear more splashing,
And the guilt hits you,
You cant see the light anymore,
There's no blue around either..
Just thick black darkness, and you worry..
About those people
Splashing, searching..
You know that they will swim to deep, sink to deep, and they wont be able to find you, and they'll be stuck in the blue abyss, untill they give up..
And sit in the darkness
With only their thoughts to torment them.
You feel the sting of tears, even under water
You didn't want any of this..
But you wonder..
Maybe..
Maybe i did.
I was so scared of being judged,
So tired of trying so hard..
Maybe.. You wanted to be left alone..
In solitude..
In this darkness,
Left alone with just your thoughts.
There's no more light at this point..
Just thick blackness
You can taste the lump stuck in your throat,
You know that this is it,
No one will be able to find you, so you turn around..
And look into the darkness to see a tiny.. Tiny.. Speck of red,
And you know then, that that red formed because of this guilt..
But it isn't guilt anymore..
Its hatred,
For all the things you never did,
For all the things you did do..
For not being good enough,
For causing that frantic splashing person,
To sink with you
But then you realize there is no more splashing..
They gave up.
Just like you.
And your left numb.
In this dark deep abyss that keeps getting deeper.
You know there's monsters all around,
You were right about the creatures that lay in this abyss..
You just hadn't realized that those monsters, were inside you. Not around you.
The lump goes away, along with the tears,
And after time passes
And numbness fills you
You begin to wonder, if this is what was meant to be.
You begin to accept the darkness, instead of fighting it.
You begin to wonder, if you ever wanted a lifeguard in the first place..
You remember all those awful days, when life felt much like this black numbness, and how, on days like those.. That you wish you could drown..
And then you take a deep, long breath.. Hoping that water would fill your lungs.
And with that breath, you give up.
You feel every fiber of your being..
Give up.
And you start to get lonely..
Very lonely,
But no matter how hard you cry out your voice never reaches anyone.
Splash.. Splash..
There's the guilt again.
Hatred fills your heart,
Blame fills your mind,
Numbness controls your body.
You blame every possible thing on yourself, if you just tried harder, if you just worked harder.. And appreciated things more you wouldn't be here.
But..
Maybe you wanna be here.
The redness deepens
You notice that its kinda getting warmer
You let it slip your mind.
Blame.. Blame..
Splash..
Its your fault they cant find you,
Its your fault the sun cant reach you.
Its your fault this redness keeps growing.
Well, that last one wasn't so false.
Then the black turns to a deep, deep red.
It burns,
It burns and blisters your skin
But you like it
Because feeling pain, is better then feeling nothing at all.
Feeling this pain, takes away the demons..
Or so you thought
You can feel the demons make you go numb again,
Even through this pain.. You feel nothing.
The redness thickens, and burns
And you wonder..
How can i hear the splashes?
All the way down here?
Your not scared of the thought anymore
You know you had lost your sanity awhile ago.
No one was searching..
You have lost your mind at this point.
The redness, burns..
And you wonder, why cant i feel the pressure?
All the way down here.. And no pressure?
No ground.. No nothing..
And as you fall into the redness, you realize its not because of your emotions..
Its lava.
Your falling all the way to the core of the ocean.
You have completely lost it.
And then, your breath gets shallow.
You realize that.. This is it.
But you think to yourself,
That.. You have never felt more at home,
This burning, this numbness..
This darkness, its who you are.
And you think, that even if you somehow escaped this.. And went back home, into the white.
Could you even live there anymore?
Your not sane anymore, how could you live in a sane world?
You accept this abyss
You come to face, that this is where you always belonged.
And as your breath gets shallow, and your skin blisters and burns away you feel the pressure.
And you have never felt more at peace.
You close your eyes
And as you take that last shallow, pathetic breath
You accept your fate,
And you couldn't wish for any other..
You feel more at peace then you ever have
You realize you've been fighting to stay aboard your whole life, when this abyss was calling you, pulling you home.
And your final thought..
Before your body.. Your memory, as insane as its become
disappears without even a trace of ever being there..
Your final words to the world are..
"Hold onto your plank"