Life of a Dead Man Act I Scene I

[Jack, half dressed for work, is returning with a newspaper as the curtain rises. The family is eating breakfast as jack reads the paper. There is silence interrupted only by clanking utensils and the newspaper crinkling.]

 

 

Jack: Hmm... ‘Gazette says someone died…

 

Linda: (brightly) Oh, I hope it’s not someone we know.

 

Jack: Well let’s see,… (short pause) ... (Concerned) Wait! There must be some mistake. (dismissively)

 

Linda: What is it?

 

Jack: And I quote: “Jack H. Brown, passed away April 4^th. Survivors include wife Linda and Son Charles.”

 

Linda: Hmm…

 

Jack: What are they thinking? (With conviction)

 

Linda: Well, it is odd that an obituary would have been printed the exact same day as the day you died...

 

Charles: I was thinking the same thing: how would they know you were dead before you even woke up?

 

Jack: I think you may be missing something here. (They stare at him for a moment.)

 

Charles: Like what?

 

Jack: Well first of all-I’m Not Dead.

 

Linda: Jack, there’s no need to overreact, I’m sure this kind of happens all the time. (laughing.)

 

Jack: Just what exactly do you mean by th- (The door bell rings lights turn on revealing outside of house where a line of strange people are waiting outside the house, Linda opens the door.)

 

Linda: Hello, Albert.

 

Albert: Good morning Linda, Charles, I am so very sorry for your loss. (reverently)

 

Jack: I know I’m going to regret this, but what, exactly, are you referring to? (irreverently)

 

Albert: Why, your obituary, of course.

 

Linda: Well I really do appreciate your sorrow, but it isn’t at all necessary.

 

Albert: And what exactly do you mean by that? (offended)

 

Linda: Well...it’s just that Jack thinks he isn’t dead. (almost exclusively to Albert)

 

Jack: Knows, Linda.

 

Linda: Ah-h yes, Knows he isn’t dead.

 

Albert: Well that’s rather presumptuous.

 

Linda: Is it?

 

Jack: Is not! (To Albert.)

 

Reynolds: It certainly is.  After all, wouldn’t this fall under the jurisdiction of a doctor? (Ignoring Jack.)

 

Linda: That would make sense… (pondering)

 

Jack: I suppose that's close to logical.

 

Albert: Right.  That settled, who here is a doctor? (Everyone in the crowd raises his or her respective hands)

 

Reynolds: A-hm.  I’m a doctor of logical calculus. (huaghtily)

 

Malachi: I hold a doctorate in statistics. (looking around nervously with a shrug.)

 

Keane: And I'm a doctor of Art History. (All the other doctors look at him rolling their eyes.)  What?

 

Reynolds:  Art History doesn't count, Keane.

 

Keane:  Bah! (insulted)

 

Albert: Well!  What an abnormally highly educated crowd: everyone of us, excluding Keane of course (Keane crosses his arms), is really a doctor? I myself hold a doctorate degree in the field of meta physics.  (boisterously)

 

Jack: Yes, yes that’s all well and good, but who here is a medical doctor.

 

Albert: Oh yes, are any of you medical doctors?

 

Martin: (shrugging) I am. (Steps forward.)

 

Linda: Well what luck.

 

Albert: Yes, surely you can tell us whether Jack is dead or not.

 

Jack: And we can be done with this madness.  (exaserbated)

 

Charles: So what do you think doc?  (with dread)

 

Malachi: Well, according to recent polls, an astounding ninety-nine percent of all people polled are actually alive, (margin of error plus or minus two to three percent.) For this reason we have statistically significant evidence that Jack is most likely alive.  (definitively)

 

Linda: Malachi.

 

Malachi:  Yes?

 

Linda: I think he might have meant Martin…

 

Malachi: Oh-of course. (Silence)

 

Linda: (with a sigh) Anyways, go ahead Martin.

 

Jack: Yes please do.

 

Martin: I’d be happy to: You see, it occurs often that family members hallucinate and imagine that a dead family member is actually alive. After all the grief that comes with such a loss can be quite overwhelming.  (everyone begins to nod adding words of consent)

 

Jack: What?!

 

Linda: I see.

 

Jack: (Looks at Linda in disbelief then back to Martin.) Just what kind of doctor are you again?

 

Martin: I’m a psychiatrist.  (calmly)

 

Jack: Of course-of course. And how exactly does that make you a medical doctor?

 

Reynolds: Well it’s quite logical actually: you see Martin is a psychiatrist, psychiatrists are doctors of mental health who are capable of prescribing medicine, therefore Martin is a medical doctor.

 

Malachi: Also, if you need any more proof, the Gazette has a one-hundred percent chance, according to past data, of making accurate obituaries.  (excited at his successful arguement)

 

Linda: Wow! that certainly is convincing evidence.

 

Charles: Oh no, my dad is dead!

 

Jack: I guess I wasted my time playing Mozart for you when you were an infant didn’t I. (stoicly)

 

Martin: (Leaning in towards Linda.) It’s best try to ignore the audio-visual illusion and give yourself some time to rest and accept his death.

 

Jack: What?! No!

 

Albert: We're all so sorry Linda.

 

Jack: Oh you’re sorry alright.

 

Reynolds: Well there’s no need to be rude: it’s not our fault you’re dead.

 

Martin: I see he’s going to be a nuisance. Here let’s focus our energies on removing him from our subconscious. (Pulling everyone together) Everyone imagine Jack: he’s in a better place now...

 

Jack: I certainly am not: having to listen this!. (Ambulance lights and sounds are seen and heard just off stage. Jack begins to struggle with E.M.T.s who take him off stage. Charles watches.)

 

Martin: (With dramatic pauses) He’s free and more peaceful now. (Jack yells obsenities)  He is resting. Let that image work to absolve your survivors guilt. There, do you feel less traumatized?

 

Charles: Not entirely. (Turning back around.)

 

Linda:  Well I certainly do.

 

Martin: I’m sure every little bit helps.

 

Linda: Yes, thank you all so much for your help, I don’t think I would have gotten over my denial without you.

 

Malachi: Well I’m glad we could help.

 

Reynolds: Exactly, this is why I decided to study logical calculus in the first place: so I could solve everyday problems like these. 

 

Albert: Time is relative… (nodding as if it makes since with a tear in his eye.)

 

Charles: (silence)  ...Mr. Albert, how does that have to do with anything?

 

Albert: Oh? (dabbing his eyes) It just comforts me to say that, it’s like a mantra.

 

Linda: Well, you will all certainly be invited to the viewing tomorrow, so don’t waste all of your tears.  (wagging her finger)

 

Reynolds: Ah yes, it would not be a truly proper viewing without some tears.

 

Martin: (calmly)  Indeed, tears do tend to make things more sincere. I often cry while giving therapy to my clients, just to seem more earnest. 

 

Malachi: It’s settled then, we’ll see you again tomorrow at the viewing acting more genuine than you can possible imagine!  (excitedly)

 

Linda: Of course, I’ll see you all then, I must gather my thoughts and rest, come inside Charlie.

 

End Scene I

Reviews

[zwmorris]

Why did you stop there? I'm waiting for more lol. This kept me reading and it's certainly a twisty one. hmm....auditory and visual hallucinations? Is this character suffering from a schizophreniform disorder? Imbalanced neurotransmitter levels...aghghghgh....but in all seriousness, really liked it