Assassination of Senator Vicus Act I

The first half of the play just because I liked the first one so much.

Setting: (Inner chamber of the master assassin.  It is a semi lit room with books piled high on shelves and tables.  In front of a tall cathedral esque window stands the master assassin.)

Assassin:(enters and bows)  What is thy biding oh lord...

 

Master:  Oh, hello...so why, exactly are you bowing.

 

Assassin:(looking up) My lord, I simply act in a manner befitting a man o-

 

Master:  Oh cut the crap, what're you supposed to be, some humble servant or something?

 

Assassin:  Yes my leige, I am your servant and I-

 

Master:  Didn't I just say cut the crap?  Look I'm human too right.

 

Assassin:  You are my master and I will treat you as su-

 

Master:  Look I've got problems like everybody else okay, look at me I'm balding.  See that?

 

Assassin: s'not that bad...

 

Master:  I suppose it isn't...But still, I mean I'm divorced,  sometimes I don't pay my bills, and God knows I've let

my parking meter expire plenty of times before-

 

Assassin: well-

 

Master:  I've stolen before, I lie all the time, I beat my wife once-

 

Assassin:My job is to not question my master an-

 

Master:  I've kicked dozens of puppies, hell I even wear womens clothing sometimes.

 

Assassin:  -do as I'm told.  Wait, what was that last one?

 

Master:  Kicking puppies?

 

Assassin:  No, no you said something about ladies clothing.

 

Master:  Oh I did?  Well, that's awkward. Probably unecessary too.

 

Assassin:  Yah, kicking puppies pretty much got the point across...you, um didn't to go there.

 

Master:  Sorry about that, really very sorry.  Entirly out of line...

 

Assassin:  So um...those my orders on the table there?

 

Master:  What? Oh, oh yes these...here you go (hands him the orders in a parchment).  He's an old senator, Vicus is his name.  Doesn't seem like a bad guy though, can't see why anyone would want to kill him.

 

Assassin:  Okay, so I'll be leaving then.  (walks out through the doorway backing away slowly.)

 

Master:  W-wait!

 

Assassin:  What?

 

Master:  Do I look fat in this toga?

 

Assassin:  Yah, I'll be leaving...  (Leaves.)

 

Master:  Umm, Is that 'yah' as in yes I look fat or is it just extranious?  Hello?

 

Scene two:

Setting:(In the courtyard of Vicuses palace)

 

Assassin:  (Stalks down a pillar stealtily his steely eyes peeking out of the shadow of his hood.)

 

Guard 1: (leaning against same pillar eating a peach.)

 

Assassin:  (Pounces on the man slitting his throat.  He then continues on toward the door.)

 

Guard 1:  excuse me, sir?

 

Assassin:  What?!  (he is fumbleing with the lock) 

 

Guard 1:  You're doing it wrong. 

 

Assassin:  I think I know how to pick a lock, besides you might as well relax you should be dead any second now.

 

Guard 1:  No, no, no I meant the crime scene here.  You're just going to leave it as is, you'll incriminate your self just leaving me here.

 

Assassin:  What?!  (turning around.)

 

Guard 1:  Look, you see the angle I'm at here clearly implies that I was tackled.  And you left your dagger right here at the scene of the crime. 

 

Assassin:  Oh, thank you ( he grabs his dagger from the guards chest cavity and begins to walk back to the door.)

 

Guard 1: W-wait, you need to move my body so that it looks like I killed my self.  See like this  ( he moves himself into a convincing position.)

 

Assassin: That's ridiculous why would you kill yourself?

 

Guard 1: It is a pretty miserable job I mean 12 hours a day with little pay and absolutely no health insurance.

 

Assassin:  That does sound pretty bad.

 

Guard 2:  (On a wall far in the distance.)  Wait! 

 

Assassin:  S**t!  (He spins around quickly ready to shoot the other guard with his crossbow.)

 

Guard 2:  (yelling from off in the distance) If you had killed yourself I would have seen it from here and would

have had to report it.  You're going to need to move the body somewhere out of my line of sight.

 

Guard 1: Good point.  Come on then how 'bout a push then.

 

Assassin:  Wait what is going on?!

 

Guard 1:  Look theres no need to shout, you might alert someone to your presence.

 

Guard 2:  (shouting) Yah we're just trying to help you.

 

Guard 1:  (Talking to the other guard.)  So suppose I were to shuffle over here would that work out?

 

Guard 2:  Nope I can still see you.

 

Guard 1:  Here?

 

Guard 2:  No, I can see you there too.

 

Guard 1:  How about here?

 

Guard 2:  There it is, right there.  Perfect blind spot.

 

Guard 1:  There you go Mr. Assassin...  Mr. Assassin?  (looks around only to find the door to the manor open.)

 

Guard 2:  Ungratefull that one.

 

Guard 1:  Quite, rude I'd say...

 

 

Author's Note

Any ideas?

Reviews

[Scott Free]

Very nice! Like it a lot. Just as funny as your first one, without nearly as funny of a story--which shows real talent.
Alright, on the first scene, at the end the Chief Assassin becomes all officious for no reason, and its not really that funny, so I think you could cut it. Make him adjust his bra, or something =)
Also, if I hadn't read the second part I wouldn't know who he's assassinating. Have the Master Assassin say something about that.
Loved the guards. Very good.
Very, very Monty-Pythonic. I keep having to remind myself that this isn't John Cleese and Graham Chapman.
Three thumbs up!

~S

[Raef C. Boylan]

Yes, the guards helping him out is quite Monty Python-esque as Scott Free says. I also agree with Scott Free that the end of the first scene could be funnier with a non-verbal gesture, such as adjusting a bra or thong or whatever. The second part is more amusing than the first.

I was never certain about what were the anachronisms and what the appropriate references, as it seemed like two time periods had blended [again, Pythonesque and kind of cool] but maybe better use could be made of this technique?

Overall, this isn't bad but it's not amazing either, and I don't know what to suggest to help you improve it, other than checking out your typos and grammar - particularly in places where the whole meaning is changed by an error such as "Pounces on the man[,] slitting his throat".

[Renesmee Carlie Cullen]

A riot?

[Renesmee Carlie Cullen]

This is isn't something I would be into but you did great on the script.

[Nicole Archer]

lmfao
xD
I amlost pee'd on myself with the ladies clothing stuff
haha, but overall I liked it, good job
=D
hope to be seeing more.