Selfish

All I ask is for critique

The boy looked down at his sneakers that were ripping at the seams. Sighing and bringing his gaze back up to the water, he bit his lip and told himself that he was glad to be on the ferry that would bring him home. Invisible tides caused the water to ripple, and he let his mind be hypnotized by the navy waves. Despite his desperate attempt to avert his mind from the present problem, his heart still ached. His throat began to close, but he dared not cry. This boy was determined to be a man.

A sudden cold rush of wind lifted from the Pacific slapped him hard and whipped his hair back. No matter how hard he held his coat closed, the wind still chilled him to the bone. Breathing out a long held sigh, he allowed himself to lean against the wind onto the bar of ice that passed for a rail. The memory of his love invaded his mind and shot another Louis de Ville slam from a spiked bat against his heart. Everything he had ever done was wrong, and he hated himself even more for all those stupid, boyish mistakes.

Why did he stand here, here in this unforgettable spot where he had last held her?

His arms had wrapped close to her body to keep her warm and his face was nuzzled against that red scarf he had given her. He could smell her perfume that drove him absolutely crazy. The thought of whispering his favorite three words into her ear made his mouth dry with the agonized scream he was dying to let out. A wild whip of wind shushed him and told him the tacit silence was enough. So there they had stood, breathing salty air and smiling to themselves, knowing this ferry would take them away.

Once more, the boy breathed out. His muscles were starting to complain, and he then realized how tense he was. Grinding his teeth together to fight the quiver of his jaw, he took his already frozen hands from his pockets and placed them on the icy blue rail before him; it was even more numbing to his aching hands, but he gripped the rail tighter. Stepping up onto the rail below, he stood, resting his knees against the rail he had just been holding.

A solid horizon stretched for miles, and the sun was cautiously touching its surface; an awkward first kiss. Water roared below him, it crashed into the bow of the boat, taunting him. His worn sneakers slipped a bit and he wondered if he should step over the final rail.

This boy was desperate to become a man. Gritting his teeth and closing his eyes, he leaned, stopped, and stepped off. This man was not selfish.

Reviews

[GypsyAlien3303]

It's a beautiful moment in time. You captured the emotion and the feel of the scene perfectly. I could feel his loss and pain. One thing is that I wish you had taken this farther. I would've liked to know how he messed up with her. Or why exactly he decided to take this course. What brought him to this point?
I would have enjoyed just a bit more background. It's a great visual though. :)

[AleyshaRosa]

Hmmm
I was waiting for a review like this. I wasn't sure if I should let it rest or continue his story... I suppose I should...
Thanks GA

[RachelReaper]

this was... exhilarating to read! Exiting and meaningful I thoroughly enjoyed reading this!

[AleyshaRosa]

Thanks ya =]

[AleyshaRosa]

Suspense definitely kept me glued, love your choice of words as the keep my brain active and on the edge. A delight to read your work..your piece evoked pictures and a feeling that could easily be mistaken for my being there close to the boy, feeling and seeing all that's said. Along the lines I encountered a few problems which I'd like to associate with a few grammar errors. Your work is a striving beauty, pure and unstained. I apologise for the lenghty review, but had a feelin g to pour everything out the way I saw it.

[AleyshaRosa]

Your review is much appreciated. I actually prefer a lengthier review that comments on not only the things you enjoyed, but also critique, such as grammar.
Thanks, Skylar =]

U welcome.

[NathanBlackie]

I don't know what to say. It's a moment, everything in a moment standing out, but it seems like a moment of something bigger.

[AleyshaRosa]

Indeed it is
It's actually a piece of a story I had written, so this is a tester.

[NathanBlackie]

consider us teased. don't know why i said us... no one else has reviewed it yet... well my multiple personalities and I are looking forward to whatever is to come.