Forsaken

 

Born.　

 

Shining above me my crucible sun,

With me from the day life had begun,

Warning me of my soul’s worst fears,

Guiding my heart, fading my tears.

 

Loved.

 

I climbed the trees that shifted life,

From white-washed purity to darkened strife

But you kept me close and far away,

teaching me lessons day by day,

Letting me slip so I could fall,

beneath this tree so dark and tall.

 

Trusted.

 

But you held me as I conquered the night,

Lifting my spirits as I fought the plight,

Nursing me and my trivial sorrow,

waking my heart for a new tomorrow.

 

Safe.

 

But yonder hills of green and lush,

A fateful sign had left me crushed,

as I saw a cloud drifting past,

Grey in color with death to cast.

So I looked to see you push it far,

But I saw nothing; I was scarred.

 

Alone.

 

Tears came pouring in my eyes,

As I sat in retrospect of this demise

Left to die on this lonely ice,

that bitterly laughs as it cuts to slice,

my brittle, broken, wandering mind

hungry for some life to find.

 

Lost.

 

I saw the dead reflection,

of a cold and broken soul,

shifting through my uneased body,

losing all control.

 

Numb.

 

I called out into the blackest grave,

Hoping for you to rise and save,

like the thousands of other times before,

when my hopes of you once were more.

 

Forsaken.

 

But still I sit for a passing light

to guide me through the darkest nights,

And tells me of my restless fate...

 

forever I will long for you,

 

                       ...forever I will wait.

Reviews

[Derek S.Keck]

Wow, I read over this three times and it still has me reflecting. What really makes great poetry is when you can write a poem that people can reflect and relate to, yet, some major element of the poem seems to be just beyond the reader’s comprehension. I completely loved this poem. You have talent!

[Radad Ibn Nasir]

Halfway somewhere going nowhere someone has stopped to think about what you just inspired. I know i did. I wonder where you will go..?

[Tkess]

Often we are promised a love that lasts forever, but forever never seems to last as long as we would like. Very nicely written.

[hannahjchin]

i love the way you set this out, it flows well :)

[LetMeLaughLetMeSing]

Wow! And I, in turn, am in love with THIS poem! Favorite... gosh. The best kind of poetry is the kind that flows so easily through your head that when it ends, you find yourself thinking, "wait, come back, sing your verse to me for another while..." It's absolutely gorgeous, perfect... wow.

[A. Z. Anthony]

(Sorry if you get a fragmented review here, I pressed a key accidentally while turning and I think half of my intended review was posted...missing the other half.)
This poem was an enjoyable read! The rhyme scheme flowed nicely without intefering or negatively impacting the imagery or mood. Too often a writer relies too heavily on one element and thusly, takes away from another.
The only line I would offer for changing is: (And I'm just being picky here.)
"...so dark and tall."
to
"...so dark, so tall."
I feel in some situations that the use of "and" can disrupt flow.
As well, using a comma will slow the reader down as they read the line, allowing their mind to more fully understand how dark and tall the tree was. The reader can relate more easily.
I really enjoyed the stanza for "Safe." (Probably because I'm a Pastoral poet fan.)
Great piece!
- A. Z. Anthony

[marielondon]

This poem is wonderful. The absolute beauty of the words you choose combined with the emotions you bring forth make one incredible piece of writing. I love it, nice job.

[Jack D.]

This poem is stunning. Just stunning. It is dark and soulful, yet shows a little light through. This is so great, and you rhyme so well. You are a great writer, and it's the truth!! Keep writing fantastic poems just like this. Don't change. :)

[Kenneth The Poet]

Great piece, it's like you took several poems and wrapped into a piece. It was as if they were disparate pieces meant to form an overall puzzle.

Great work of art.

[Akoka Folami]

I'm crying my eyes out right now.
Why? Try listening to "Hurt" Johnny Cash + reading this poem = Sobs.

[joshua deathdealer]

I love the feel and content of this write. I also like how it is sectioned in different periods. Shining above me my crucible sun