Undone

Kind of inspired by "Fix You" by Coldplay

Just tell me what is going to be

When the light is out and you’re done with me

When all is quiet, but I’m filled with rage,

When I’m longing for you, but you refuse to stay.

 

My blinded eyes, I’m stuck in reverse

You’ve given me the saddest curse

You’re high up above, but I’m down below

I’m chasing you, please don’t go.

You got what you want, but you never did say

What caused you to walk away.

 

Tears streaming down my face

I look to myself, do I have a place?

You loved me, I can’t let you go

You’re the flame that caused my heart to glow.

 

 Push the blade in once again,

I need the pain to feel the end.

Filthy shadows chase me home,

I can’t reach out, I’m all alone.

 

Tearing my heart into pieces,

Becoming lighter as the pain releases.

I walked along my broken path,

I'm falling out, I'm living past

 

Holding onto every shred,

That’s haunting me inside my head

Playing all these different games,

To make peace with my blackened shame.

 

Sinking deep inside my loss,

Regretting I didn’t count the cost.

I can’t let go, but you won’t hold on

I’m breathing you in, but you’re already gone.

 

 

 

Author's Note

Possibly still a tad rough...I'm kind of writing doozies lately, so, this is what I have.. :)

Reviews

[Eli]

I like it; it's really good ;) I agree that it's probably a tad rough, and I would say to watch out for lines that your trying to rhyme, but in order to do so you had to kind of chop the flow. For example:

"Falling out, living past
These moments that strain my soul"

You tried to rhyme past with the last line, but in doing so you slightly interrupted the flow leading to the next line. But other than this I think you did a great job iwth it :)

[MoriartyMesa]

The more poetry I read, the more I begin to believe I need to stick to Fiction and Gonzo-Dark Humor. Very beautiful, reminds me of a Andrew Lloyd Weber production.

[Carter Meyer]

this is lovely, great work!

[Sherwette]

I was just going through your poems now and I love them. Sad and touchy.

[InnerSpirit]

Aleyah,

Just need to tell you where I think your going wrong because you always seem to think it's too rough.

If you please just humor me amoment.

Could it be possible that you are adding too many little words (conjunctions) or maybe you are forcing to fit rhymes?

I mean, trust me you inspire me with your photo presence in your words, I seriously love to read your stuff.

I just think you have been over-critiqued by people and you have this god-aweful preconception of your writing.

Relax, Breathe, Close Your Eyes and Believe in yourself. You are a wonderful writer.

Good Luck and remember, it comes from your heart not your head so don't force.

[Winters_Lost_Walk]

Loved this line:
"You’re the flame that caused my heart to glow."

Wonderful writing, I don't know why you say it's rough, because your writings are all beautiful!
It shows the eagerness for someone, the longing for that one person to stay and not leave you.

[Omar Fendri]

the wrath is throughly blatant in those honest words which is good.
The image is not perfectly clear though you're not telling a story but arguing with your lover.
I agree with Eli about the Rhyme things.
I like the last line _I’m breathing you in, but you’re already gone._ meaningful ... :)
all in all, it's a cool touching poem and especially authentic.

[Akoka Folami]

A beautiful masterpiece... it has a desperate feeling of clinging sorrow... Amazing!

[Seshat Nidaba]

This was really realistic and I felt like I was the speaker, that's a powerful gift of narriative you have!

You would probably do well in fiction! Short stories? Drama?

[☯]

This is very nicely thought out and written. The darkness and hope really compared and came together slowly. The desperation and yearning in this poem almost makes me so too. I especially like the line:
"To make peace with my blackened shame."
Amazing job. Loved it :)