The dragon with a soul

An uncomplete story I would like critique on, as friends begging me for more isn't much to push improvement as this story is meant to be learning practice.

“This view is nice, the village with its thatch roofed homes, stone towers and fortress built around the river.  Such simple beauty.  But let’s get to reason you are here, to make me leave, right?  It is ironic that I of all things hate other dragons and it is because of the reputation they have earned that you are here.” I said to the young man brave enough to come to my cave.  He was shaking in his steel armor, but he looked me right in the eyes as I looked down to him.

“Yes, my lord sent me to ask you to leave-“ he started.

“You’re lying,” I interrupted and his gaze faltered, “you’re too scared to tell the truth but brave enough to try a compromise.  That fear of yours, it’s going to be a problem if we are to have honest discourse.  So I promise on my life you will leave here with yours.”

“I was sent to slay you” he responded.  He looked like a child caught in disobedience. 

“Why are you ashamed?  You have done no wrong.”

“I am though, I can’t kill you...  I think that maybe my village is safer with you here.”

“No it isn’t!  I may not directly harm it, but I know this forest cannot support both a human village and myself.  My presence scares off travelers and merchants.  You’re a good kid, with a good heart.  Obey your leader and strike me!” I didn’t want to die but I have seen this kid before.  He deserves to leave here a hero.  Up to this point I selfishly ignored the negative impact I’ve had on the village.  I kept telling myself that I was a benefit to the village, that me being here kept other dragons away.  But I had caused too much harm to ignore it.  He was surprised to say the least.  

“Are you suicidal?” He asked dumbfounded.

“No, I deserve this.  Now call your men and fight me!” I growled. He finally drew his sword.  But still he didn’t strike me.  

“I- I...” he stuttered.

I lunged at him fully intending to fall short.  In reaction he swung for my head, and I was rendered unconscious from his lucky blow.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 

“Why does it still breathe?”

“My lord he is not a soulless beast!  This dragon wanted me to kill him because he thought he did ill.  He wanted me to be the hand of justice.”

“So kill it already then!?”

“It is not just to take his life! He is of a kind heart.”

“Sir I heard their conversation, he sounded more like a selfless hermit then the evil you and he believes he is.”

“Lord let this dragon show us its heart.”

“Fine then you lot bind it, and get me when it wakes.”

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 

When I woke, I was confused.  I expected not to wake or to wake at my last few breaths with the men that came up with the kid digging into my flesh.  No, instead I woke in what looked like a barn, with only the pain from his sword cutting into my temple.  I was bound with thick rope.  As I looked around I saw that I wasn’t alone, there were a few brave horses in the barn with me.

I heard “Daddy he is awake!” come from a door in the side of the barn I hadn’t seen.  It sounded like a little girl had made the proclamation.

A little while later the young man walked in through the main doors, without his armor.  It was unsettling to see him unafraid, walking to stand on the left side of my head.  

“My lord will be coming here.  I don’t know how you convinced yourself that justice demands your death.  The good you’ve done quietly guarding this town outweighs the harm your presence has.” He said.

“How do you trust me, more than I trust myself?” I asked.

“Because monsters don’t overthink protecting people and conclude themselves as the biggest threat.”

“I… I see…  Did you practice that little speech?”

“I may have.” 

I chuckled and he sat down on the ground.

“So it will probably take my lord a while still, and still I don’t know how to convince him to not…”

“I don’t think I can help there.” I replied.  

It was then that his daughter spoke up from the door he walked in through, asking:

“Daddy can I see mister dragon?” 

He looked at me with a question on his face and I replied with a nod.

“Yes Elizabeth, you can come see him.”

She carefully walked in despite being in plan view.  The sight made me smile.  

“You are safe little one.  Even if I intended to hurt you, I am very firmly bound.” I told her.

She looked to her father and he nodded.

Author's Note

When I remember this site I will be adding whatever progress I have in the draft of the story to this

Reviews

[JayG]

Oh, you are so going to hate me But you did ask...

• “This view is nice, the village with its thatch roofed homes, stone towers and fortress built around the river.

When entering any scene, you must quickly address three things: Where we are in time and space, what’s going on, and whose skin we wear. Without that, someone unknown is talking about what could be a diorama, the view from a spacecraft, or pretty much anything else. So you know. The people in the story know. But the reader? Not a clue.

It turns out that it’s a dragon talking, but who, on reading the line would have guessed it? But, suppose the opening read something like:
- - - - - - -
I nodded toward the entrance of my cave, with its view of the village’s thatch roofed homes, stone towers, and, the king’s fortress at the river’s edge. “Agreed…the view is nice,” I said to the knight, as I stretched my wings as much as the cave permitted, shaking both sleep and cave dust from them in preparation for what was to come, adding, “One of the advantages you humans have over dragon-kind is a cleaner home.”

As I awaited his response, I reflected that dusty or not, the cave was comfortable, and did have an exceptionally nice view.
- - - - - - -
Notice that before the dragon speaks we have context for what he’s referring to, and, that we’re in a cave. In addition, he has an implied motivation—a previous verbal exchange—to make the remark. The protagonist’s response to that previous motivation acts as motivation to stretch. And in doing, tells the reader what’s going on, and provides a hint of the short-term scene-goal, as your protagonist perceives it.

I added the business of stretching sleep away, and the dust, to show it was morning, tell the reader that s/he’s a dragon (or at least winged), and give a feel for the cave as the protagonist views it.

The reason you didn’t do that, now, is that you’re still thinking in terms of plot, and so, the viewpoint is yours, not that of the dragon. Yes, you’re in first person, but the “person” is the narrator, not the one living the events.

In general, you write well, and though I would have some technical quibbles, you did hold my interest. What follows is some specific editing/approach suggestions:

• “Yes, my lord sent me to ask you to leave-“ he started.

1. You used a hyphen when you intended an em-dash. It’s called that because it’s as wide as the letter M.
2. Drop the tag. We can see that the line abruptly ended, which is what matters. Only use tags when there’s uncertainty as to who’s speaking, or when amplification/expansion is needed, like: “he said, with a smile.”

• “You’re lying,” I interrupted and his gaze faltered, “you’re too scared to tell the truth but brave enough to try a compromise.

1. We can see that he interrupted. Never tell the reader what they already know.
2. In this case, I would suggest ending the sentence with an exclamation. Then, something like, “When his gaze faltered, more gently, I added, …”

• “I was sent to slay you” he responded.

1. You left out the comma before the tag.
2. There are two participants in the conversation. The dragon just spoke. Why do you need to identify the one who replied? Every unnecessary word that’s removed speeds the read and adds impact.

• “Why are you ashamed? You have done no wrong.”

People use contractions. By eliminating them, the line reads as stilted. Also, give each character unique mannerisms and language ticks. One person might interrupt often, while another hesitates, or restates. In other words, make them live.

• I may not directly harm it, but I know this forest cannot support both a human village and myself.

Here, you make the dragon seem a fool. Put yourself in his place, and think over the situation, as him. He might leave, or, kill off the villagers. Also, it’s an established village, so this is not a revelation reached in a day. And given that the dragon isn’t malnourished, his plan to have someone kill him seems forced. After all, he’s been hunted before. And if he truly wants to die, all he need do is climb to a few hundred feet and dive. So this seems contrived.

But…suppose the dragon speaks of being old, lonely, tired, and ready for death…

• “No, I deserve this. Now call your men and fight me!” I growled. He finally drew his sword. But still he didn’t strike me.

Needs a paragraph break with the change of focus character...and a comma after "still."

* “I- I...” he stuttered.

So first he stutters, and then you tell the reader he did? Naaa. In place of the tag, how about, “finally, he nodded in acceptance.” ?

• “So kill it already then!?”

If every successful author can get by with one punctuation mark, than so can you. Right? Never forget that the excitement belongs in your words, not your punctuation!!!!!!!! 😀

• “Fine then you lot bind it, and get me when it wakes.”

In this section, no one hesitates, rephrases, or uses body language. How real can that be to someone who lacks the mental picture you hold as you enter and read the sequence?

• …come from a door in the side of the barn I hadn’t seen.

As phrased, it’s the side he hadn’t seen. So, in his viewpoint, how could he know that the voice came from a doorway? The protagonist has to turn to know that. Present nothing that the protagonist isn’t actively involved in.

• A little while later the young man walked in through the main doors, without his armor.

Since there’s been a girl, and no threats are made, we assume that. So mention of him wearing no armor is unnecessary.

But... put yourself into the dragon’s viewpoint. You wake, and hear someone announce you’re awake. You determine that it’s a young girl. And you don’t speak to her?

Place yourself in the girl’s viewpoint. Later she asks if she can interact, so we know she's curious. But…do you know ANY kid who, in that situation, wouldn’t either run or talk to it? Remember, it appears, to the reader, that she was watching to see if and when it did wake,

Friom the viewpoint of the storyteller the action you describe must take place because your script dictates it. But in the viewpoint of the one living the event it’s not a natural response.

And, there’s a problem that’s not obvious: because the storyline would, and must, diverge if it’s told in the protagonist's viewpoint, as against the author's, the magnitude of the required changes will increase, paragraph by paragraph.

Add to that: your characters use none of the 5 senses but sight and hearing. Suppose your dragon had said, “I woke to the scent of hay—that and animal dung. To wake at all was a surprise, as was the sight of what was probably the inside of a barn when I opened my eyes.”

See how the reader learns of the location without having to be lectured?

• “… outweighs the harm your presence has.” He said.

Aside from forgetting that tags require a comma and lower case, placing a tag after all that text, is akin to adding, “Lincoln said,” to the Gettysburg Address. In general, you get a line of print’s worth of text. But, suppose you phrased it as: “My lord will be coming here I don’t know how you convinced yourself that justice demands your death. The good you’ve done quietly guarding this town outweighs the harm your presence has.”

Doesn’t him saying, “my lord” identify him as surely, and a lot earlier than the tag?

• It was then that his daughter spoke up from the door he walked in through, asking:

Again, ours isn't a visual medium. Why do we care that it was the same door, or even how she got there? In fact, as far as we know, she never left. Anything you include must: advance the plot; meaningfully set the scene; or, develop character. And this fails that test.

But, suppose you condensed it to, “Daddy,” his daughter called, “Can I see mister dragon?”

Do we really need to place her in a specific location within a barn we can’t see?
-----------

And all that, above, is why I began with the statement I did.

Hang in there, and keep on writing. It never gets easier, but after a while, we do become confused on a higher level.

[Alexander Glass]

Thanks! I was very aware that because I haven't edited this since before our second interaction it would still be tag heavy, also thanks for pointing out how much I need an editor or one of my friends who are good at catching grammar mistakes proofread it cause I am terrible at keeping track of dialogue rules.

Something I do have to say is that I may be location heavy because I have noticed myself get tripped up and pulled out of engagement from confusion of location. I personally dislike stopping myself when reading a good story because of the "wait did I miss something" feeling. Might have something do with my ADHD, but I very much want to learn the skill of guiding the mental image of the reader, so it doesn't start conflicting scene to scene. I want to have the reader both feel the rain and see the shelter they're running to.