Daydreamer

How would I live without him, how could I? I mean he is my everything, he is the reason I wake up every morning, the reason I should wake up right now. How can you lose someone when you don’t have them? How can you hold someone so close to you when they are so far? How could you love someone so much, without being acknowledged? How could I know I’m dreaming? I know in this dream I will lose him; sadly I know this dream too well, I wake up to this dream, my life revolves around this dream. I want to stop sleeping, I want to stop caring, but I know too well that’s not possible. It’s the same dream every night.

                Every single detail of the dream is dancing repeatedly in the corner of my brain. Everything starts spinning, will it ever be enough? I know it is. I want it to stop. I wonder why I’m not afraid, why do I let myself go through it every time but I will never know that answer. I force myself to see him suffer, to see him cry for help. I'm just a pun in the game of sacrifices; they raise him up to the Gods as a gift. I would offer myself, only if they could her me but there is nothing I can do, absolutely nothing. I wait, I cry. And suddenly it’s over.

                The nightmare has passed. I'm awake, and yet alone, always alone. He is not here when I wake up. I wish he was I really do. I wish too many things were real and a lot others were not like my monstrous dreams.  I'm completely awake now, not ready to confront reality. I don’t want to get out of this bed, not yet. I want to feel the calm of everything, I don’t want the chaos of this eternal city to crash on me when I leave this bed, I almost want to dream again, to see him again but I remind myself that is too cruel of me. I don’t want to leave the same place that has giving me so many nightmares, so many terrible dreams.

                I live alone, always alone. I need to get dress and leave, I really would rather stay but I know I will see him today, yes, today is the day. It’s Monday and I know when I open that door a world full of opportunities will approach me at a fast pace. The city is old and I’m young but somehow I feel it in me, I feel the sadness of war, the joy and pride to be a local, the arrogance to be privileged, the humbleness of some people, I feel it all.

                I dress as usual following my routine. I look one last time at the mirror, my hair has to be perfect, at least for today, lotion, cologne, I put on everything that people would normally will, I want to seem normal, I know I will be the outsider the rest of the week, but for Mondays I’m noticeable; I’m someone else, I almost feel significant, important. I take my portfolio and away I go, I walk into the world that people stop loving so long ago, the one that will soon die.

                The subway ride is awfully loud and at the same time I'm wrapped in silence. The place is inundated with people trying to get somewhere, I feel uncomfortable, and I want to escape this moving box. I want to fly or just run but over anything else I want to be free, completely free, with him.

                I arrive early to work, I’m no surprise nobody is here, and in fact I’m relieved. I don’t wish to deal with dry humor about my appearance, in fact I like my loneliness, and I love my space. I'm a quiet and shy assistant. I really like my boss, Mrs. X, and she is a lovely woman. She hired me because she said I reminded her of her son, I later found out that her son died in a car crash two years ago. I truly don’t know what part of me resembles her son, is it my physical appearance? Or simply the way I am? Who knows, I will never ask, I respect her too much. She is always tough but significantly fair. But enough about Mrs. X I know he will walk in that door with her in exactly six minutes, I don’t count the time I just know, I just feel it.

                 I get their coffee ready, I know by memory how they like it, however, I put more attention on his, and three sugars no cream. I want it to be perfect, just like him. I daydream about us, about what ifs. I wish he noticed me, I wish was more than the guy that brings his coffee. I daydream stupidly. I sometimes stay up at night, mainly to evade those awful nightmares, but mostly to write poetry about him. I know he’ll never know but I always write to him:

 

I was late to work,

I was late in life.

I was running short on time,

I was close to die.

 

Behind the counter,

Behind my illusions,

I saw my utopia;

I saw my destiny.

 

In a blink of the eye

I saw you.

Young and beautiful.

Sitting there all alone,

clueless.

 

I saw your perfection.

Still you did not recognize me,

not even notice me.

How could that be?

All questions on my head...

 

Since then I want you,

But not just you.

I want your soul,

I want your heart,

I want your love.

 

You still sitting there,

Working next to me.

Please notice me.

 

                My heart beats to the sound of the clock, they are here, HE is here. They walk in silently, I grab her coat while discreetly staring at him; I know nobody will notice, and for a moment I let myself stare, standing there. I love him, what a silly thing to think but I know I do. I follow my boring routine as fast as I can to go back to the meeting room and serve him coffee, sometimes he barely touches it but the fact that he is consuming something I prepared with my hands makes me feel so joyful.  

                Mrs. X asks a number of questions and I answer without taking my eyes off of him. I caught myself and I believe he did too. I continue to take notes of their meeting. He is an accountant; of course he is smart, unlike me. For a second there his eyes met mine, I forget about time, I let myself go. In a few seconds I wonder what it would be like to actually know him, will he disappoint me?

“Never” I rudely think out loud. 

“Never what?” Mrs. X asks. I don’t know what to say, I freeze.

                They both have a puzzle look on their face; I’ve never being so embarrassed before. I excuse myself and awkwardly walk directly to the bathroom. I can’t believe I did that, I just can’t. I need to calm myself I need to think of something neutral, but all I can think of is him. I know I need to shut my mind off and just forget. I have to keep going, I mean, I am sure he will forget and move on. The ugly truth sinks in. I am nobody to him. I will be... forgotten. I feel the anger of my situation and my cheeks are now red. I refuse to be just a person on his routine; I refuse to not mean anything to him. This has to change. Today.

Reviews

[Riding the Rainbow]

This is really powerful and I'm sure it was very difficult to put on paper all the feelings.
". For a second there his eyes met mine, I forget about time, I let myself go. In a few seconds I wonder what it would be like to actually know him, will he disappoint me?

“Never” I rudely think out loud.

“Never what?” Mrs. X asks. I don’t know what to say, I freeze.

They both have a puzzle look on their face; I’ve never being so embarrassed before. I excuse myself and awkwardly walk directly to the bathroom. I can’t believe I did that, I just can’t. I need to calm myself I need to think of something neutral, but all I can think of is him. I know I need to shut my mind off and just forget. I have to keep going, I mean, I am sure he will forget and move on. The ugly truth sinks in. I am nobody to him. I will be... forgotten. I feel the anger of my situation and my cheeks are now red. I refuse to be just a person on his routine; I refuse to not mean anything to him. This has to change. Today."

Strong but important ending.
Bravo.

[PoeticChico]

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