Anxiety

A Story by Alex Doerner

I started writing again, something I gave up on a long time ago. I realized I made a mistake; I never should have quit writing. It took 6 months of rapid change and a killer album to show me how badly I needed to sort my thoughts through words on a page. Either way, I'm glad to be writing again. It helps me work through things when nothing else will. It gives me a way to vent. Tonight I need it. Tonight I'll rely on it.

Because tonight, my shoulders tense, creeping closer to my ears as I expand my diaphragm much slower than I should. I shake out my shoulders and inhale air to my lung capacity, exhale it. For a moment, I'll have control, but soon enough the cycle will restart. My shoulders tense and my breathing becomes shallow again. I feel my heart stirring, quick irregular beats and breaths moving much faster than they should.

I feel disconnected, as if the chair beneath me could disappear at any moment. Like I’m here, but I’m not here.

I could blame school or homework or my parents or my brother or my sister or my friends, but it isn't them. It's me. It's something in my heart that refuses to settle. I close my eyes just to feel the whirlwind behind them.

The silence is deafening, so I allow my eyes to open. I've listened to the same album at least 10 times in the past two days. I reach for it now in the form of a list on my iPhone in a music library. My pink headphones rest on the table next to me. My heavy dry eyes rest on them, not wanting to move to reach for them, but knowing I need to.

I lift an even heavier arm, grab on end of the tangled, cheap headphones, and pull them to me. There are no doubts about how worth it it is when I plug the silver end into my headphone jack, tuck an earphone in each ear, turn my volume all the way up, and click on Be Nothing. Quickly, the first song floods into my ears: Burn You Up.

My eyes close again and my head drops to the arm of the chair. The vertex motion behind my eyes is still there, but I can manage it now -- welcome it, even.

Henry's voice flows as I take deep breaths. Finally, I'm calm.

By the time I reach the seventh song on the album, Boston Manor has once again helped me recenter. Undoubtedly my favorite band, I lay in the big comfy chair and finish out their album. God blessed me this one, and I'm thankful.

The problems are still there. To be quite real, they're the winds in my tornado and I'm in the eye of the storm. I know I have homework I won't do tonight, stories I won't write, words I won't say, and a devotional I'll be too tired to do. But for now, I just lay here, in peace. I swear it's God's presence, or at least something like that. Serenity washes over me as I realize how worth it my rapid changes were, the album comes to a close, and I drift off to sleep.

© 2016 Alex Doerner

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Reviews

joheic

This is amazing. I love writing in first person because it gives an easy way to have my own personal touch on the work, but I've found that when it comes to reading in first person, it almost loses the immersion for me at least. The amount of detail that you put into every sentence is something that I wish we see more of in major novels. I look forward to your success

Posted 8 Years Ago

8 Years Ago

Thank you so much!

Giulia King

I love this!! Never stop writing. You have a gift

Posted 8 Years Ago

2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

8 Years Ago

Thank you so much (:

This is resonating stuff!
Most days the only catharsis that can be had is through reading, writing or music.
It seems to have almost meditative qualities.
Enjoyable read :)

Posted 8 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

8 Years Ago

Thanks for taking the time to say something, it means a lot.

Tashida

I loved this! I really love pieces I feel like I could relate to. And I can definitely relate to this piece. Can't wait to read whatever else you come up with!