Tomb

My mind is a tomb. A graveyard of buried hopes and dreams; a graveyard with tombstones of acid and drugs. I feel numb, but is numbness even a feeling? Do I even feel? What is it like, to feel? My body is nothing. Nothing but a machine left to do what it was designed to do. Neurons and nerves, doing what they were created to do. Created, designed, chanced? I do not know. How do I know what I do know?

I remember why I started drugging my mind. I remember why I started drinking. To drown these questions out. To drown everything. Destroy. I feel like destroying. Is that a feeling? If I feel, then I feel like destroying. I can feel my hands clench. That is a feeling. I can feel blood dripping from my palm. Pain. That is a feeling. But I don’t feel pain. Only the blood. I can smell it too. Destruction.

I am tired of the questions. I am tired of the wondering. Tired. Is that a feeling? Do I feel? I no longer feel. I no longer feel, because I am dead. My mind is a tomb. A graveyard of buried hopes and dreams. Hopes. Dreams. What hopes have I buried? What dreams have I ever remembered? Dreams are subconscious wishes. Even the nightmare. We all long for pain and destruction; even subconsciously. We long for pain, to remind us that we are alive. That we still feel.

But what is it like, to feel? What is feeling? How do I know I feel? How do I know what I know? I know nothing. That is all I know. I am dead. That is all I know. I long for destruction. I long to make people burn. I want to see the world on fire. I want everyone to burn. To feel the pain I wish I could feel. I watch the blood drip. I watch their feelings in their eyes. I watch them feel.

I walk away. Dead inside. Sometimes I wish I could consume their souls; sometimes I wish I could drink in their feelings. I wish I could feel. But wishing is a feeling. Do I feel? Is wishing a feeling? Is longing a feeling? Is loneliness a feeling?

I feel nothing but numbness. But is numbness a feeling?

Nothing but numbness. I feel nothing. I am not even dead. I am not even a corpse. I am nothing but a tomb.