Out of Hiding

What would it look like if we all came out of hiding? Everyone, for one reason or another has found themselves hiding from something or someone. Well in my story I was hiding from both at one point or another. I would use my long hair to hide my chubby face. I would use my sense of humor to hide my pain and I would use my artificial wall to hide my heart. I didn’t always realize I was doing that until I went through some changes in my life that started several months. About a year and a half ago I began taking classes to receive a surgery that prayerfully would set me free from different health issue’s through weight loss. I was so excited for this to take place. I went to all the classes, took all kinds of notes and followed every rule to the tee. Finally, after many different hurdles and extra months of waiting: It happened… I received my surgery date and things were looking up. In October of 2017 I began a brand-new journey in my life and I had a fantastic support group to help me through it all. For me, I was very pleased with the progress and not at all bothered with the small amounts of food, but then things started to change. I began to withdraw from loved ones, from ministry and from life itself. I stopped writing as much, stopped communicating with many people and began hibernating in my house. Specifically, snuggled up on my couch, in the dark. Usually, hiding my face under the blankets with an open pocket of air to breathe. Over the next couple months the darkness became my escape. I would lay and cry for hours in a day, for no apparent reason and it wouldn’t stop.

My friends would pray with me and for me, but it wasn’t helping. What was going on that I couldn’t find my way out of this darkness? Why were the walls around me feeling as if they were about to crumble? The truth may surprise some of you, but it was a lack of nutrition, a vitamin deficiency and a very cold winter happened all at the same time. You see, I have a smaller opening to my stomach then most bariatric patients and I can barely drink liquids, let alone eat the right amount of nutrients without experiencing severe pain. So, my body was and is still going through many changes. Changes that are affecting my moods, to the point that I thought I was losing my mind at times. This life changing surgery had caused some mind-altering side effects that was beyond my control. The problem was not the side effects as much as it was what the enemy wanted to do through them. As the moods started to change, I believed I was going through this dark depression and had no idea why.

In those moments the enemy played his cards well and began reminding me of all the things said and done in my life that was painful. I began to relive many painful moments. Hurtful words began to describe who I was again. I was diving into a downward spiral. Then one Sunday I received a word from a friend that the Lord had shared with her and the light came on.

I woke up the next day submerging myself in the Word of God. So many scriptures played a part in my healing process. Like Psalm 40: 1-3 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him. Psalm 30:11 You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy. God began waking me up with new scriptures and showing me things in the early morning hours. I began diving into His word and He began pouring His Spirit over me. One morning I was awoken to Isaiah 61:3 To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory. I realized then that my Father in Heaven was gently pursuing me. His greatest desire was to see me set free and to remind me of who He was.

Later that night, I went into a time of worship. During that time of worship, I was listening to a song called: Healing is here and the Lord used the words of that song to begin to break me. I knew that God was healing me. I could physically feel it. As I was thanking Him for His presence and His healing, I saw this vision of a large chalkboard, and on this chalk board was a bunch of words. They were all the things I believed about myself. There were words like Fat, disgusting, worthless, loud, obnoxious, uneducated and so on, Then I saw the hand of God reaching down with an eraser and one by one He began to erase each word. As each word disappeared I felt this heat on my heart as if each crack in my heart was being welded back together. All I could do was thank Him as I cried. Then, I looked up at that chalk board again and I saw in big bold letters: Beauty for Ashes... At that moment, the words in the song rang out: Sickness can’t stay any longer, Your perfect Love is casting out fear and I knew it was happening. God was presently healing me of depression. I could physically feel my healing taking place.

I know that He met me face to face and began the healing process in me. So then I began to pray and ask God to reveal to me the root of my depression. Why was I so comfortable going into hiding and distancing myself from everyone I loved? What He showed me was the word Fear. So, I asked Him- What does depression have to do with fear? Immediately Revelation came. He showed me that my whole life has been based on fear, the fear of failure, the fear of not being accepted, the fear of not being loved, the fear of what people would think because of my lack of education, the fear of what I look like without my hair done and without my make-up on, the fear of heights, the fear of rejection, the fear of being hurt, the fear of getting close to anyone… Again, my whole life had been based off of fear. Does any of those things ring a bell to you? Haven’t we all had those kinds of fears? I go into hiding when I become fearful, but as the Lord began dealing with me in that area I began to see clear visions of the beauty life can hold if I would just trust Him. I am learning the importance of God’s grace and the significance of His word.

Last week my Pastor had made a statement to the congregation that said: Imagine living in a world where you would have no access to the Word of God. Could you picture your life without Christ and the written word of God? That’s why meditating on His word as the bible says is so important to our walk. The scripture says: This is the new covenant I will make with my people on that day, says the LORD: I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds Hebrews 10:16. We must allow His words to be imprinted on our hearts so if that day were to ever come, we could be prepared without having the physical bible in hand. We could be prepared for those darker days. During this healing process I have found that my greatest strength, my greatest joy and my greatest time of being at peace was in the presence of God. Most of you would say: Well, we know that... and we do, but that’s not always applied to our lives when we are experiencing those dark days, or months of depression.

I mean, we don’t want to leave our couches let alone read the word, but it was only when I dug into His word that the answers were made clear. His promises of an unfailing love were very evident: Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. I am learning to be excited to place faith over fear and try new things. To come out of those dark places and into the light, to be willing to live. Even if I don’t succeed at certain things, I can at least say I tried. I know it won’t all be easy and trials will come, but knowing the promises of God makes it all worthwhile. I would rather die feeling fearless then to live filled with fear. It’s time to be free and come out of hiding. I believe He wants to see our faces shine with His Glory without avoiding life because of fear or any other reason. I am beginning to believe that I can do anything in His strength according to His will.

So, Today I hope that if you are in hiding for any reason that you would step out into the presence of the One who has made you His own. He has made you Fearless, Righteous, Beautiful, Chosen and Blessed. See it for yourself. Come out of hiding and search the truth for yourselves. There are so many scriptures that edifies who He is. As my Pastor said to me: Dig deep, spend time in scripture and focus on who He is and not on who you are and all that you are will come naturally. His light will shine brightly through you and whoever you are in Him will have no choice but to shine just as bright. 2 Corinthians 4:6 For God, who said, "Let there be light in the darkness," has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.

Karen-Aleeza Hurl