Access Granted

As I was waking up this morning the Lord had brought to my spirit a memory of Robin Williams. An amazing comedian and a person who seemed to have it all, but like most comedians he hid behind the pain with humor. Pain from abuse, rejection and abandonment was all masked by comedy. They use real life circumstances as their comedy acts. They hurt themselves verbally before anyone else can get access to them. Comedy is probably the number one job in America that is used to mask the unquenchable pain people endure, usually starting at a very young age. Research shows that most comedians hide behind their humor and when that’s no longer working they turn to drugs and alcohol and then eventually suicide with some.

Because of recent situations and the Lord bringing things to light in my life, I found myself wondering what stage of that comedian’s lifestyle I would be in now if I had not given Christ access to my heart and spirit long ago. I am not claiming to be anywhere near comedian status, but I personally have spent my whole life hiding behind humor and sarcasm. At one point in my life before Christ gained access I was drinking and very promiscuous, but over the years I have replaced the drinking and promiscuity with learning to poke fun at myself to prevent others from doing it. Most times, I have allowed those close to me to also poke fun at me as long as I convinced myself it was all in fun, because they mean no harm to me. Just as I meant no harm to myself.

Proverbs 17:22 says: A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones. I can’t tell you how many people have thought of me over the years as joyful and confident because I have become excellent at masking the pain. Pain that I truly never realized I was still holding on to. Insecurities brought forth due to years of words spoken over me. Now, that does not mean that my joy in the Lord is not real, because it absolutely is. I have a Father in heaven that loves me and you to an extent that we will never grasp. A love that we will never understand until we see Him face to face and I am so grateful that He loves me. I am so thankful for His grace over my life.

Although, in that gratefulness comes reality and my reality wasn’t even my own. It was that of someone trying to mask the pain. So, just as recently as last night my husband sat here and prayed over me and spoke over me. He shared with me all the beautiful things he saw in me. Now, as a part of my healing I need to be able to see what he sees. I need to be able to come to terms with the fact that not every what and why of my past is going to be revealed. I cannot control nor can I change my past, but I serve a God who has full control of my future. I no longer want to hear the words of my past, but the words of my Father.

I long to be a strong, confident Woman of God who refuses to walk in fear, or listen to voices of her past. God has not created me or you to fail, when we fall on our face He will pick us right back up. Psalm 46:5 God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. You see, I choose to be open about this because I choose to expose the enemies lies over my life. I firmly believe what He reveals, He heals and I have every intention to grant God full access over my life to heal me from point A to Z. Exposure is exactly what the enemy needs to stop him in his tracks. To prevent him from trying to destroy what God is creating in us all. Believe it or not, we at times can also become our own worst enemies.

For some ungodly reason, we choose to believe the negative things over ourselves instead of believing we are who God say’s we are. We choose to hold on to the things that have hurt us or failed us instead of granting God access to the parts that need healing and holding on to the wonderful promises in His word. Last night and this morning I had to come to a place of repentance because the Lord revealed to me how I spent my whole life allowing the words and the voices from the naysayers to dictate how I view myself. We serve a Perfect,Holy God. We were created in His image and yet we choose to believe the lies! We allow their voices to ring much louder than His. We allow the negative words to shine much brighter than His! If you have found yourself believing the lies, than now is the time to repent and allow God to show you the truth, His truth!

I want to give Christ full access to my heart, mind and spirit. I serve A God that Says I am Beautiful. In Sol 4:7 You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. I so long to believe those words about myself. So, I remind myself of His words over me. Just recently a great friend created something for my wall so I can see these words daily. So I can be reminded of God’s truth and not a distorted version of the truth. I know that I have to stop expecting perfection and stop being so hard with myself, but I also have to have something to strive for, and right now I strive for healing and a sense of feeling healthy and whole.

To know that His word say’s I am valuable 1 Peter 5:10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1^st Cor 6:20 You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. Our value is in Him, not in ourselves or our own doing.

I know that soon I will no longer will see myself as the lies I saw, but I will see myself as He says that I am. In time, I will no longer see myself as worthless because I will continue to move forward speaking God’s word over myself. Recently, I was made aware of my reputation as loving but also sarcastic and ornery, and although that can be fun and even funny at times, I long for my reputation to look like this: My Value Prov 31 say’s: 10 She is worth far more than rubies: I am trusted…Prov 11 The heart of her husband trusts her Prov26 She opens her mouth with wisdom: I am Blessed… Prov28 Her children rise up and call her blessed. My goal is to achieve all those things, to see myself in this way, to walk out His words over my life and to grant Him full access to my heart, my eyes and my spirit in ways I have never granted Him before.

With God all things are possible, and I will one day see myself as He sees me. As those who are close to me and love me see me. So, today I pray that as my healing begins I will see with new eyes. I pray that you also will grant God the access He needs to set you free from any form of bondage, abuse, insecurity, self-doubt, self-loathing and spoken words. As for me, from this moment forward I say: Father God Access Granted! Heal me, set me free and watch me become the Woman of God in which You have created!