Enclosed

As I’m sitting here drinking my morning coffee, feeling such peace in my spirit and gratitude for what the Lord has done in my life, I am finding it a little difficult to talk about the things that aren’t always so perfect in my world. Things that expose my weakness sort of speak. Things that others find hard to believe if they don’t know me all that well, but for several years I have struggled on and off with depression. I have been attacked by anxiety and gripped by fear. How can that be? I am a woman who is in love with Jesus. Someone who walks daily in relationship with Him. So how can I feel such darkness at times? Such Imprisonment in my mind and my spirit? I am happy, carefree, boisterous at times, but I am always looking for reasons to bless others and make people smile. With the Lord’s help and much practice and prayer, I have taught myself to purposely turn every negative into a positive. So, how can depression or anxiety just attack for what looks to be no reason whatsoever?

I read my scripture, I know what the Lord says about casting our cares on Him, and I do. There are scriptures in Matthew and Philippians that say: “Be anxious for nothing” and “do not worry about your life”. Does this mean when my anxiety or depression hits that I’m sinning? That’s what I used to think. I believe that a lifetime of circumstances may have caused me to develop anxiety over the years and anxiety fuels my depression. There have been many times in my life that I have shut the world out because I’m too embarrassed to share where I am in life. I’m too ashamed to say; Yes, I am a child of the Most High God and I suffer with depression. Let’s be real, the Christianese perspective say’s if you are a child of God and you walk in His anointing then there’s no reason to be depressed and to suffer with anxiety. (Hogwash)

Well, allow me to share with you how I deal with it. I invite God into my moments of doubt, fear, unrest and sorrow. When I’m feeling enclosed and imprisoned in my own mind I ask the Lord to pull me through. I read my scriptures and I fill my home with His praises. I put Him in my moments of darkness. Where there is Light, darkness cannot live, and because He is the God that heals, He heals me in that moment. Has that healing become permanent? No, but it doesn’t mean I can’t pray for a permanent healing. I know in my spirit that the Lord is going to heal me, but I still must walk it out until that day. Weather here on this side of Heaven or when I come face to face with my Healer, it belongs to me. So often as Christians we think that just because we are children of the King, that we will immediately receive healing. Please, do not deceive yourselves into believing that lie. If that were the case, then no Christian would ever die of any diseases. There will be no cancer, there will be no diabetes, there will be no heart disease, etc.. Through trying to understand sorrow or depression, I learned that in scripture Elijah was discouraged, weary, and afraid.  Job suffered through great loss, devastation, and physical illness. Jeremiah wrestled with great loneliness, feelings of defeat, and insecurity. In Isaiah 53:3 Isaiah prophesied that Christ would be "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief. We can be assured, that in whatever we face, Jesus understands our weakness and suffering, our greatest times of temptation and despair, because he too traveled that road, yet without sin.

At this time in my life my body is making natural changes that increases my depression and even causes me to feel moments of rage. I understand that it’s perfectly normal to experience these things in this stage. At 1^st I thought that maybe these last several months have all been caused by body changes, until I began to pray and seek the Lord’s guidance. It was immediately discovered that I’ve suffered most of my life, but I refused to acknowledge it out of being so ashamed of who I was. I am no longer ashamed and more than willing to expose the enemy’s games. So, I purpose myself to invite God into those moments so I have peace during the process. I am much grateful for my friends who recognize my habits. They know when they see certain behaviors in me that I’m starting to experience depression symptoms and they pray me through it. They call me out on it because sometimes we begin to make ourselves disappear out of shame and guilt, but when they notice I’m beginning to withdrawal from the ones I love, then they pull me back in.

Most of the time our enclosement is self-inflicted and we don’t realize we are doing it until we are made aware by the ones who take notice for us. Which is why it’s so important to surround yourselves at all times with a church family who loves you. Ones who are willing to go deep into relationship with you. So, when you are experiencing these moments or days there is always someone to take your hand and pray, or love on you when you feel unlovable. Never try to get through these moments alone. Yes, God is the one and only Healer, but He places people in our lives for a reason. His word says in 1 Thessalonians 5:10-11 He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with Him. Therefore, encourage and build one another up, just as you are already doing. I encourage you today, that weather your experiencing imprisonment through depression, anxiety, fear or just life unknown, allow the Lord to be invited into your moments. Begin to Praise Him through your storm until that storm subsides. We have all heard that saying that: If the Lord is in it, He’ll pull you through it!

The great news is that Christ offers us a life free from pain, sorrow, disease and death when we arrive face to face with Him. Until then, I am going to continue to bring Christ face to face with my anxiety and my dark moments. When I’m in a moment of Joy and anxiety strikes with a vengeance, I will praise Him through it until it passes. He can handle our doubts, frustrations, failures and darkest moments because He is an astoundingly gracious God. He loves us through it all, because that is simply who He is. I’ve placed my faith in Jesus and He’s paid for all my sin and brokenness on the cross, He will never walk away from me. And more incredibly, He doesn’t even want to.  Through this process, the Lord has taught me the most valuable lesson of my life: His love for me is solely dependent on His character, grace and goodness, not my own.

I don’t realize I’m learning this until later �" God usually feels distant in the valley. But as things slowly come into the light, I see how God’s been working. He’s in the business of showing us a love we don’t deserve. The realization that it’s about His greatness, not ours, both frees us and glorifies Him.

I’ll end with the lyrics of a song that I worship too almost daily….. When there's no way out
Except through a miracle, No way up up a mountain; Except to climb it. When everything you hope for
Seems gone, And every dream you've dreamed Is so far away, this is when I say... All I need to do is worship, All I need to do is say His name out loud, All I need to do is lift my hands, surrender
And bow down, All I need to do is find Him, All I need to do is let His presence fall, All I need to do is worship……

 

                                  “Aleeza”