Transparency

This past weekend I was a part of our church’s women’s retreat. We focused mainly on our Identity in Christ and just approaching this topic as we saw the Lord leading us to do so. The greatest part was listening to everyone’s testimony who spoke and being in complete awe of their rawness. They left themselves open and vulnerable. It was one of the best retreats I’ve been too. Listening to the joy and yet the heartbreaking trials some women had to come out of, and some are still in the midst of those trials. Listening to some of our young women already experiencing pain, yet knowing that God is with them in that pain. Being eager to learn how to walk through the fire without being burnt. You’re never too old to learn from someone else’s experience.

When I woke up a few days later, I clearly heard the word Transparency in my spirit. So, I went online and researched the meaning of transparency and found this: capable of being seen through, implies being so clear that objects can be seen distinctly. I began looking up examples of being transparent and came across this rare flower called the Skeleton Flower, also known as the Diphelleia Grayi that is mostly found in Japan and China. A few can be found in the Appalachian Mountains. Its pedals are pure white when dry, but when the rain falls they become transparent and you can see right through them. Although I’m not much of a flower lover, it caught my eye. It went from being as white as a dove to completely see through.

Later that afternoon I went to the home of a friend and watched a video of the retreat. We first watched the part of the video that played me speaking, and what I saw made me sad. It wasn’t about my looks or the sound of my voice. The video felt a little robotic to me and I immediately knew why. I knew even before the retreat began what God wanted to speak through me and I chose another route. I chose the other route because it didn’t require transparency from me. It didn’t require me to become unraveled in front of everyone. It didn’t require me to break down in front of dozens of women. My route allowed me to stay in control of my emotions. It continued to help me build that safe place that say’s I may struggle with identity but I’m okay.

Well throughout the day I was talking with a couple beautiful ladies trying to figure out why it’s so hard for me to become transparent in front of so many people and quite a few reasons were revealed. So, later in the evening as I sat in my room, I began praying and asking the Lord why He was speaking that word into my spirit since I clearly disobeyed what I knew He was asking me to speak about. Although I touched on a few things slightly as I was speaking, I did it in a knowledgeable way, but without emotion, without the raw transparency of who I am and what I felt. The Lord answered my question by leading me to Ephesians 4:25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.

You see, even though I was speaking complete truth in everything I said during that testimony, I wasn’t trusting God enough to be completely transparent with my heart and my emotions. I was prideful and fearful. I wasn’t trusting the Body of Christ that He placed me in to be there for me if I fell apart. So, in my heart there was a falsehood of belief.

How many times have we said: Yes, God I trust You, then when the time comes we crumble? Well, this was that moment for me. Please know my heart and understand that this is in no way self-condemnation, so I pray that’s not how you’re seeing this. This is a learning tool. God knew long before this retreat that I was going to chicken out, but He also knew that being disobedient to my Father would break my heart and cause me to repent. It developed in me a desire to thrive to fulfill His will and not my own. What happens in the dark will eventually be brought to the light and for me I tend to keep all those beautiful little gifts hidden behind a false toughness to protect myself. So, the question I had to ask myself was: What am I protecting myself from? People knowing my past and judging me? People realizing that I’m not tough, that I’m such a cry baby that I cry during commercials? There are so many things we hold on to prevent others from holding against us, or getting to know us. When in reality, God can’t use us to the fullest until we are in complete submission to His will.

So, where do we go when we know we messed up? What do we do when we realize we’re holding back from allowing God to use us in a way He chooses? We repent, we pray, we continue to search our hearts and God’s word. We Stand! This is not a reason to run the other way. We serve a God of Grace and Mercy. He will give more opportunities to share, to be transparent with those He places around us. I know that for me personally, He will also give me the confidence to know that I am no longer the same person that I was afraid to expose. Being transparent means allowing the body of Christ to see straight through our hearts and when they do, the only thing they will see is Jesus! So, as the Skeleton Flower becomes transparent when rained on, we also become transparent when we allow the Holy Spirit to reign on us. The Lord requires a transparent heart to expose the Heart of God, not to expose our failures. There are no failures in His Kingdom, only Victors!

 

        Karen Hurl

                                               3/31/17

 

 

Reviews

[Tamika]

Wowwww. This really made me think about my troubles lately. Your writing really spoke to me. I also loved the way you used the words rain and rein in that sentence about becoming transparent! I feel truly blessed to have stumbled upon your piece. Thank you.

["Aleeza"]

Thanks Tamika :)