My Heart Exposed

A story of having the very heart of who you are exposed.

For me, the center of my heart is my salvation and salvation is the center of our testimony. The very moment you accept Christ, you have this instant sensation of love and relief. You may not even know it at first or even understand what that feeling is but it’s like this overwhelming sense that something has changed. It may not even occur to you what that change is, but in time everything is revealed. For me, I had this instant rage. I was angry because my heart felt something and I didn’t know enough about what it was and why I was feeling it, so out of fear I was angry. I even backed away for a long time because no one was ever going to have control over me again. Yet as time went on I began to experience different emotions and noticed myself acting differently. I was actually beginning to be nice to people and I smiled more often (which in my case was very rare). I didn’t know it at the time but the love of Christ was beginning to take residency in me. I began to realize that through the teachings of a childhood mentor who became a great friend.

 

Before that I had spent so many years of my life in abuse (physical, sexual, emotional and even self inflicted) and I made myself a promise that no one would ever control me again. What I didn’t realize is that I was absolutely under complete control by the damage done to me over the years. My every thought and every feeling was controlled by hurt and resentment. I spent years being a sexual prisoner to someone else’s sickness and control. Years of being someone else’s emotional punching bag and that left huge scars that affected my decisions for many years to come. So going back to the day of my salvation you may understand why I became angry with this so called God. This thing who calls Himself God entered my place of security. He grabbed a hold of my heart, the very thing I promised myself to never allow anyone to have. So I ran and I ran hard. I ran into a life of sin and more abuse. Abuse by people I thought I could trust. When the truth is, all the signs were there I just couldn’t see them because I had ran from what God was trying to do and my blinders were in full effect.  I didn’t understand how this so called God who is supposed to be our Father and Protector would allow innocent children to endure years of sexual imprisonment. Years of abuse with no reprieve. In my mind that was just as destructive as the actions of the birth and step fathers who did the actual abuse.

 

I remember sitting down with my friend/mentor and talking about everything that had happened and being so angry that this God would allow this. As she listened intensely and cried with me, she then began to share with me that God wasn’t behind the hurt that others chose to cause and that His plans for me were greater then that. She then began to show me that even way back in the book of Genesis where God had given Adam and Eve a free will and an option to make their own decisions. God did not chose for them to sin, they chose sin. She then went on by showing me scriptures throughout God’s word on how He loves us and He desires for us to put our whole hearts and our trust in Him, but it still took years for me to stand still and let Jesus become my everything. On my own I had to realize that there was nothing this world could offer me that would fulfill the love that Christ had for me. On my own I had to stop with my choices, weather it was sex, drugs, alcohol or just choosing to hate everyone and feel sorry for myself for the rest of my life.

 

I had to come to Christ slowly and at my own pace. You see, God didn’t go off and kill everyone who hurt me. That’s not how He operates, but He did begin to remove me from that prison that I had a full membership too. Once I began slowly trusting Him and leaving my heart open to Him, then He began the healing process within me. In slow motion I noticed less hurt, less resentment and less anger. In slow motion I starting to become whole.  I started to become more then what my past predicted I would be. Some people can heal instantly, but you see I truly believe because my Father loved me so much that He was very sensitive to my situation. He approached it in slow motion. He was gentle and kind and took His time teaching me the Greatness of His love. Because He was the one who created me He knew exactly what direction to take to pull me into His arms. Relationships take time to build. Even where Christ is concerned there is a trust factor, so He will wait for you because He loves you and His desire for you is to trust in Him. Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

I said all this to say that at some point this morning I was bombarded with news stories of death and violence. With states and governments taking full control of our businesses and homes. With sin over riding God’s word to the point that even the once saved by grace are walking freely in sin and unknowingly handing their souls over to the enemy because they have allowed those blinders to be placed back over their spiritual eyes. So I began to earnestly pray and ask God - Lord, What can I do? How can I make a difference? How can I help remove the blindfolds from the eyes of the people? What I clearly heard was the Lord asking me in return- What helped you? Did I not send someone your way to speak with you and teach you of my love? I tell you this, what worked for you will work for them also. So tell of your story. Share with them how I loved you. Share with them my healing power. Tell them how you are no longer a slave to your past but a victor to your future. Instantly I began thanking Him and writing down my story.

You may run into many people who will have a much deeper and more tragic story to tell. Our testimony is not our tragedy. Our testimony is in the One who pulled us out of our past and created in us a story of Victory. Our testimony is that we are no longer slaves to the ones who have tried to destroy us. Our testimony is that Jesus Christ is alive and He is alive in each and everyone of us who are willing to receive Him. Our testimony is that through that salvation comes a promise of eternity. An eternity of love and laughter. Where there will be no more sin, no more pain and not one day of feeling rejection.  I promise you that all you have to do is open your mouth and ask Jesus into your heart and within minutes to days you will notice He is there. Weather by the overwhelmingness of His presence or just the little things that you’ll notice day by day. Please don’t spend another day not knowing of who Jesus is and feeling His great love for you. I went from years of abuse and rejection to being a wife and mother, Having a ministry that allows me to bless others. Surrounded by so much love, joy and peace because I put my trust in Jesus. Please, allow Christ to take you from tragedy to Victory with His great love.

Your testimony of His great love for you will become the center of your gratitude and the light to someone else’s darkness. Allow yourself to be a part of someone else’s testimony as my friend was a part of mine. Be that one to step out and help someone else know the Love of Christ as you know His love. Thank you for allowing me to expose my heart and share my story with you.