Chapter One

Chapter One

“Fight, fight!”

The disco lights splayed over the brooding shadows that lurked upon the dance floor. A pulsating heat accompanied them, filling the frigid atmosphere, building sweat on their brows. If it wasn’t for the repetitive chants outside"“Fight!”"then the dark, abandoned scene would’ve been a perfect fit for a horror movie. Their faces were pale, cold, terrified; her limbs shook out of control.

A scream pierced the dead air.

It was from her, Bethany, who now stared with wide grey eyes at her feet, arms flailing. “No!” she cried. “Get away! No!” She seemed to hit at something, though from anyone else’s perspective, she was smacking thin air, nothing more than a lunatic. Her date was frozen beside her"confused, scared. He looked around, wondering what the problem was. No one else was there. What was the panic about?

“Ryan, help me!” she called. “Please!” Bethany’s voice cracked, broken with fear and worry. Her expression wasn’t one to be taken lightly"every muscle in her face was tight, jaw open, eyes wide. Ryan threw himself towards her, ready to fight for his girl against her imaginary monster.

A hand gripped his arm.

It wasn’t Bethany’s.

She was screaming again, and when he blinked, he saw she was hovering. Her feet were hanging limp, a few inches from the ground. Something was holding her up and pulling her away. “Beth!” he called, only to receive the same endless screech. The hand on his arm never moved"not until it was too late, that was. He fell to the floor, a crumpled heap of terror and anxiety. Had they gone? Was Bethany okay?

Ryan looked around the empty dance floor. It was silent save for two sounds. The first were the faint chants outside. “Fight! Fight!” The second was his heart, beating at an indescribable rate. It grew even faster as the realisation hit him.

Bethany had vanished.

 

I plunge out of the horrific scene, left sputtering and disorientated on the living room floor. Many explosive words spring to my lips, but nothing comes out. I’m speechless. My ragged pants and racing heart are the only sounds, filling and pounding in my ears. What"what the hell was that? I take a deep breath, attempting to calm myself and take control of the situation, but the confusion of it all is too much. I don’t even know what the situation is.

Completely off cue, the doorbell rings. I’m really not in a state to talk normal sense right now...not after what I just saw. Ugh, what had I just seen? Beth. Ryan. Some strange, twisted magic trick? Is that it? I want to believe it, to convince myself I’d fallen asleep and had a meaningless dream, but I can’t. Something meaningless wouldn’t leave such a scar, such an impact. The bell rings again, ruining my hopes for the person to disappear.

I stand up, weak in the knees, and head towards the door. Flashing images of the daydream-nightmare appear in my mind, haunting me. I’ve never felt such unbalance before. It’s...it’s frightening. Just as I open the door, two things happen. First, my best friend jumps out, releasing a shrill, “Maddi, Maddi! I got us dates!” And second, an agonising tempest blows up in my head, stealing any orientation I have left. If Regan wasn’t standing right there, I would’ve collapsed on the wooden floor, a crumpled mess.

“Whoa. Yeah, I’m happy to see you too,” she says, stepping away and steadying me. “Just not that happy.”

I’m too distracted to respond, instead choosing to silently follow her into the living room, taking a seat on the black leather sofa. The intensity of the headache leaves me in shock, though the pain is starting to numb. I’ve never experienced such agony in my life.

“So why aren’t you thanking me?” Regan asks. Her voice is just a noise in the background; my thoughts, if any can even process, are too consumed to pay attention.

I wince as my mind’s personal tornado takes another sly stab. It reminds me of three years ago, my first time riding a bike"yeah, so I was a late beginner"when I fell off and slammed my head hard against the concrete. It was the most painful and disorientating moment of my life, but nothing in comparison to this. Clutching the sofa’s armrest, I attempt to gain control of myself, to detangle my thoughts.

It takes a few minutes before I even feel the slightest slither of comfort back in my body. During that time, my friend shoots me several impatient and questioning looks. I consider telling her about the nightmare, or hurrying to the phone to speak to my mother, or a doctor, someone. But my gut protests through tight, twisting clenches; and my mind provides a convincing reason not to: Do I want to be placed in a mental institute by tomorrow?

“Maddi, are you"?”

I cut her off and suck up my state. “Why...why should I be thanking you? I didn’t even know you were coming.” For a second I worry I missed something, that the reason for her presence is obvious. But then I remind myself that Regan often turns up out of the blue; her greetings just aren’t usually so...high-pitched.

“Dates! I got us dates.”

Her eyes study me a little longer, but once deciding I’m okay, she stands up and disappears into the kitchen. I use the second alone to push all traces of nightmare away, still not processing her words. Regan quickly returns with two cans of coke; full fat for me, diet for her. My food motto"“if you’re going to be unhealthy, you may as well go all out”"has been drilled into her head for quite some time now.

“Want coke?” she asks. I take it in the hope it’ll cool my hot, raging head. “Anyway, we’re going to the cinema with Corbin and Josh.” She does a silent jig.

That’s catches me completely off guard. I splutter out a mouthful of coke. “What? When?” At the mention of Corbin’s name, my heartbeat picks up. “When did you arrange this?”

Regan grabs my arm and drags me upstairs to my room, missing my winces and flinches. She begins searching through my wooden wardrobe, answering, “I spoke with Josh about it before coming here. Now we’ve just got to find you something to wear that’s not splattered with coke.” She frowns. “Maddi, I know you used to live in rainy Scotland and all, but do you have any clothes suitable for sun? Look outside.” I don’t bother looking, taking her word for it. My thoughts are focused somewhere else.

“Is Corbin aware of this date? Has he even agreed to it?” This day is getting more and more confusing every minute. First that...that horrific nightmare, then the blasting headache, and now a date I’ve long hoped for is set up without my input. Plus, it’s only eleven o’clock on a Saturday morning. I’ve never even been on a date with Corbin before, and I hadn’t imagined that, should I have one, I’d be sharing it with two other people. Not that you’ve imagined your first date or anything, a sarcastic voice utters in my mind.

Regan sits beside me on my double bed, pulling the sky blue duvet over her shoulders"a pink vest top, a black cardigan, and a pair of navy skinny jeans on her lap"and smiles a knowing smile. “Course he agreed. He set it up, just you and him. But he was staying over at Josh’s and then suggested we all go.” At that, my heart races faster, and I know my green eyes are wide with surprise.

“Really?”

My small friend laughs, and my heart sinks, figuring it’s a joke. “Your accent’s funny when you’re excited. Yes, really, so you should put this on and sort that bed hair out.” She throws the clothes at me and turns on my hair straightening irons. As I change and tame my brown mane, she puts my mobile in my purse and brings my black boots upstairs. All I can think about is that Corbin set up a date with me. Just me and him. It doesn’t even matter that our friends are coming along now. This is still a chance for us to be together, to sit in his strong arms and gaze into those alluring dark blue eyes. My pulse goes into a frenzy just picturing it.

“Mads, why are you smiling like that?” Regan frowns, an unusual expression on her pretty, petite features. “You ready? They’re choosing the film then meeting us.” I can see from her smiling brown eyes that she’s just as excited. Unlike me, she’s made moves on Josh and practically wears a sign on her head saying “I’m totally into you”. This isn’t her first date with him. Though" from the way she drags me outside, complaining I don’t need mascara as my eyelashes are already too long"it’s clear she’s eager to see him again.

We clamber onto the bus five minutes later and when another five pass, we’re there, outside the cinema. “Should we meet them inside?” I ask, impatient to see Corbin. Despite the fact he lives across the road, a few houses down, we hadn’t encountered each other once during the half-term holidays. The sarcastic voice pipes up again. Not that you were looking out for him....

My friend ignores me. “Oh, there they are!”

I follow her gaze. Walking towards us, with a smile on his handsome face, is Corbin Evans. I feel lighter and happier just after one glance. Beside me, Regan squeaks before racing into Josh’s arms. You could say she’s a little more confident than me. When I reach Corbin, there’s a moment when neither of us know what to do. Our relationship isn’t at the same level as the others’, but we’re closer friend-wise. After uttering greetings, however, he puts his arm around me and whispers in my ear, “Guess what film I chose?” His warm breath and smooth voice bring me comfort and ease.

“Uh, a horror? You know, so you can play a move while I’m scared?” It’s a joke, but he looks down at me with those eyes, a sparkling pool of blue-black, both amused and serious. A moment later, he nods. “Wait, so I’m right?” A grin spreads on my face.

“Yeah,” he answers, chuckling. “It’s paid for and everything.” With his free hand, he fumbles in his pocket and hands me a small piece of paper. “Your ticket, ma’am.” His arm around my waist tightens, pulling me closer. My heart persistently squeezes, and the smile on my face is officially permanent.

I study my ticket as we walk towards the building, our friends before us. The film’s name is Perfect Terror. It won’t scare me"not many films do since they’re so unrealistic. But that horrific scene earlier was as real as can be.... I shake my head, refusing to let my wild imagination ruin this date. “You should’ve let me pay for myself, by the way.”

He frowns, but his eyes continued to smile. “It’s called being a gentleman, Maddi. And you’re welcome.”

“Thank you,” I laugh, slipping my hand into his back pocket. He somehow makes me feel relaxed and joyful, as if I’m the only girl he has eyes for. On my previous dates with other guys, the comfort hadn’t come as easy, but then, my ex-boyfriends were all a******s. That’s why, although I know Corbin well, I need to be careful and sure. My tendency to over-trust has resulted in too many hits at my ego. “It says the film starts in, like, five minutes. We need to be quick.”

Inside, Regan and Josh order a vanilla milkshake to share, and Corbin and I buy one large packet of sweet popcorn, my favourite flavour. We take our seats at the back of the cinema, our friends in the far left corner and us on the right. It is there that my handsome date admits, “I’m not a huge fan of sweet popcorn, by the way, so I hope you’re hungry.”

“What?” I shove him. “Ugh, what do you like? I’ll go buy it.” He bought our food too, so it’s only fair. I start to stand, but he pulls me back into my seat, shaking his head.

“I’ll eat it, it’s fine. As long as you enjoy it.” He grins, wiggling his eyebrows at me, adding more cheese to his already cheesy comment.

I turn away, my laughter silent, and raise my hand in the air as if to dismiss him. “What a flirt,” I mutter, loud enough for him to hear. Corbin chuckles behind me, and his strong arms curl round my waist as he pulls me closer. When I face the front again, the information for the film is showing"it’s about to start. “Ooh, it’s coming on.” An exaggerated yawn sounds in my ear and an arm falls around my shoulders. I shoot him a look once realising his intentions, and utter, “Don’t they usually pull ‘the move’ during the film?”

He smiles to himself. “Probably, but I’m an impatient dude.” His lips are near my cheek, his deep voice low and seductive. He’s no doubt doing that on purpose, but boy is it working.

We don’t speak when the film starts. With my head resting in the crook of his neck, and his arms around me, there is no need to. The moment is already perfect. Every so often, I feel the weight of his gaze on my face, light and searching. I know why. Regan’s screams are echoing around the dark, almost-empty cinema, but my lips are sealed, not even trembling. The gory action doesn’t scare me. It isn’t until the end of the film that my heart begins fluttering, and the film isn’t its cause.

“Maddi,” Corbin whispers, stroking hair out of my face, as the credits fly up the screen, “I think I wet my pants more than you.” His chuckle is soft, breath warm. “Not scared easily, huh?” He bites his lower lip, nodding like the fact intrigues him. “Should we get something to eat?”

I’m not really hungry after scoffing all the popcorn, which is strange considering my immense appetite, but that doesn’t matter"more time with Corbin sounds brilliant. Peering over his shoulder, I see Regan and Josh making out in the corner. “Well, they’re not coming any time soon,” I mutter, “so, yeah, let’s go.” He takes my hand and leads me down the cinema’s steps towards the exit. I can’t ignore the tingling warmth streaming up my arm.

Outside the building, he takes his hand out of mine and puts it around my waist again. The brilliant sun is now clouded over, the warmth gone, and my date shivers like an idiot. I raise my eyebrows at him, an amused smirk on my lips. “It’s cold,” he protests, running his fingers through his wavy black hair. “You’re Scottish, Maddi. You’re used to this.” He leaves it at that, choosing to snuggle into me and use my body heat. “Don’t even try to guess where we’re going, okay? It’s a surprise.”

We wander down an alley and past a market. After another turn, I recognise our location. Outside the Emerald shopping centre. Though he says otherwise, I do try and guess where we’re heading. “Starbucks? McDonalds? Costa?” He shakes his head at each of them as we trudge down another alley, one I haven’t ever noticed. Halfway, he places his hands over my eyes. “I’ve never been down here before, Corbin.” Figuring I’m worried about the unfamiliar location"though I’m really just unsure"he pulls me even closer, protective, our bodies pressed together tight. The wariness disappears.

“Right, open your eyes.”

I look out from under my lashes, itching with curiosity. Before me is the smallest cafe I’ve ever seen, with a little sign and a purple door. It looks dainty and pretty, but through the window I see dark walls and tables, black paintings, and a serious lack of bright colours everywhere else. The cafe is called Ailes Noires; which, thanks to my bilingual father’s constant tutoring, I can translate to Black Wings. “Are we eating here?” I ask, gazing up at Corbin.

He nods, squeezing my hand in his, comforting and warm. “Some friends of mine work here. The food’s great. But tell no one about it. This is our little secret.” He flashes me a smile before walking inside, calling greetings to the tall, lone waitress. I feel a pang of worry as I take in her long, luscious black hair and big brown eyes that sparkle like Corbin’s. Her skin is a smooth tan colour and adds to the exotic look. She wanders gracefully towards us, her movement just as beautiful as her face.

“Hi there,” she says, the French accent clear. “Welcome to Ailes Noire.” Her smile is wide, flashing several crooked and dented teeth. “Take any table. We’re not exactly busy.”

I scan the cafe and see she is right. We’re the only customers. Corbin leads me to a table near the window, one laid out for four people with a booth on each side. He sees my questioning look, and pulling me close, he whispers, “The ones for two people have a table separating them.” I only understand what he means when he whisks me into the same booth as him, almost on his lap. “This is better.” His interest and affection sends my heart into a flurry of flutters, so loud I fear that he can hear.

“Here are your menus,” the waitress, Miriam"according to her nametag"says. “I’ll give you a few minutes.” She walks away, leaving us to study the cakes and snack-meals. There aren’t very many options, but everything is described deliciously, and the small images make my mouth water.

“Wow,” I whisper. “Everything looks so good.”

Corbin’s sparking eyes meet mine, a smile playing on his lips. “Everything?” he asks, eyebrows raised. At my slight nod, he sits up and looks away, calling Miriam’s name. She hurries over. “We’ll have everything, please,” he tells her, laughing as I gasp and raise my hands in protest. “It’s okay, Maddi. I’ve got enough money.”

I shake my head. “At least let me pay this time.”

Miriam disappears, returning ten minutes later with several different dishes, each making my hunger return, my mouth water. I don’t continue bantering with Corbin about who’d be paying, my mind is already set: I’ll nab the bill as soon as we’re given it. There is no time to talk while we eat anyway; we are too occupied, though our eyes meet frequently. His sweeping gaze sends a rush of happiness and heat down my spine every time.

When the table is clear, I try to distract him with small-talk. I think I’m doing a good job too, until the waitress sets the bill down and his hand whips out at incredible speed. It’s a blur before my eyes. He places the money down before I can even find words, and is pulling me out of the booth a few seconds later.

“Wait,” I say, not thinking as I press my hand against his chest. It’s strong, muscular, but that’s not what catches my attention. His heartbeat. The speed"it’s thumping as fast as mine, exhilarating at the touch. The frenzied movements don’t match his light, casual smile.

Corbin takes my arm and pulls it around him, moving us towards the exit. “Wait for what? Let’s go find the other two.” His ability to consume my attention causes me to forget about the bill and the amount of food I’ve just eaten. That wouldn’t be good for the diet. Guess I’ll reset that to tomorrow, though I do that every day.... His tone lowers as he speaks, and I figure he doesn’t want the date to end either, though perhaps that’s wishful thinking. With my hand back in his pocket"looking like a proper couple, might I add"we call our friends and attempt to locate them.

“What are you up to?” Regan’s shrill voice sounds down the phone, and I know her mood is at its best. Things must’ve gone well with Josh this time.

“We’re trying to find you guys. Where are you?”

On the other end, I hear Josh make kissing sounds. My friend laughs before mumbling a few words, not loud enough for me to hear. I guess that’s the point. “We’re not the ones who disappeared, Mads. And we’re outside Burns Cafe right now, eating a sandwich. Come"” She keeps on speaking, but I don’t hear her.... My mind is swirling again, just as it had this morning. The daunting images rush back all at once.

“Maddi?” I feel Corbin’s arms tighten around me, holding me up. There is an inescapable pain, drilling right through the nape of my neck, circulating my head. It’s so sudden, and just like before, I drop into fits of splutters and chokes. My brain and body undergo an internal battle, one that I’m suffering. Corbin’s worried words ring around me, but I’m useless, an agonised mess.

My sight falls black.

Reviews

[xx]

You have a good sense for structure, I think, but your story could do with some fine-tuning. The plot line is easy to follow, with good flow and description, though, and I think you can easily tweak things if you go over this chapter a few more times. Here are some specific examples of things that you might want to fiddle with:

If it wasn’t for the repetitive chants outside"“Fight!”"then the dark, abandoned scene would’ve been a perfect fit for a horror movie.

The double quotation marks aren't necessary. If anything, you can simply italicize "fight" with a single set of quotation marks, or use the apostrophe as a semi-quotation mark, as I call it - "'Fight!'" ((NOTE: This may be that glitchy thing where instead of dashes, quotation marks appear when you copy/paste a segment to WC. If so, then never mine - because dashes work just as well! :D))

Also, because you are saying that there is a REPETITIVE chant of "FIGHT" going on, you might want to fashion it thus: ...repetitive chant outside - "Fight! Fight! Fight!" or something to that effect, in order to bring it to life.

Also in the first paragraph was this:

Their faces were pale, cold, terrified; her limbs shook out of control.

There's some subject-verb disconnection going on - I couldn't identify who "they" were. In purely grammatical terms, "they" would refer to the disco lights, or even to the chant of "fight," but logically, this doesn't make sense - I suggest you insert a little direction in here to describe who "they" are, exactly, if you can.

Enter Bethany - and I can visualize the action already, which is excellent! But you might want to change "hit" to "strike," since it's a little more awkward to say a person "hit at" something - "strike at" may sound better.

All in all, I think the only real issue you might want to fiddle with is word choice. "Disorientated" should be modified to "disoriented," for example.

There's also a little tense confusion present. Near the beginning, when the narrator thinks, /What had I just seen?/ -

Active, directly recorded thoughts are always spoken from the perspective of that character. Imagine yourself in that situation. You wouldn't think, "What had I just seen?" You would think, "What did I just see?"

In stories narrated in the past tense, thoughts that aren't directly recorded but are simply mixed into the narrative are different. In that case, the writer could easily say:

What had she just seen? She was confused, frightened, utterly disoriented.

But because your story is told in first person, the options go along the lines of:

/What did I just see?/ I'm confused, frightened, utterly disoriented.

What did I just see? I'm confused, frightened, utterly disoriented.

And, yes, they're almost exactly the same, give or take a few italicized words. This is the case with most first person point of view stories.

I'm feeling energized this morning, which is why I'm rambling, but I'll stop here and let you fiddle with the rest! As I said, the story has promise, and I have no doubt you can turn it into a masterpiece, so just keep at it! Happy writing. :)

-Mina

[Jay. E. V.]

I believe opening so powerfully was a wise move. You have a talent for getting a hook in the reader early. That being said, I feel that after the hook, the reader kind of frees itself by losing tension. If you were to keep tension up a little bit by continually referencing the incident in the beginning. For example: "She tried to focus on anything but what had happened, she felt rude, but it was just so...horrifying" OR something along those lines, NOT trying to rewrite your work=). Also I took the time to read what Mina had to say as I feel Mina had very contructive things to say on my pieces. I AGREE entirely with the tense issues. That is what distracted me the most as that's something that I look for in my own writing.
That all being said I believe you have a very interesting story starting here, I find you characters are highly believable and you have a serious talent for descriptive adjectives and their use. Your imagery was incredible and your most powerful tool here is the exposition. USE IT. keep the tension up a little bit and move on to something else quickly if you want to hold the interest of today's readers. Lol not like I'm one to talk, I take forever to build the action haha, I'm a sucker for backstory. But I really enjoyed it, and when I get time I can't wait for reading the rest. =D

[Daniela May]

Hey, i think you wrote this a month ago now, but i only just found it. So far, after reading chapter 1 i love it! It really got me hooked and i think i'm in love with corbin! haha. It's very gripping and the descriptions and imagery that you use are really well placed and make the writing flow and come to life-seem more real i guess. I do agree with Mina about the use of "", it confused me a bit, but like she said that might just be a mistake. Hewre's the main thing though: when it comes to me, i read the first few lines of a book and although i shouldn't i judge it on whether it's first, second or third person. I read the first bit and thought oh no. but then i realisede that although you changed it to first person i would have enjoyed itjust the same in third person! if that didn't make any sense, what i'm saying is i really really loved it! i am definately going to finish reading this book! i want to see what happens next! i also liked the way taht the suspense is carried throughout but climaxing at the end, leaving you hooked onto reading the next chapter. I have to go to france today but im going to finish this story when ig et back! it's the type of writings that i am ito. hope you:re alright and write some more pieces! i would be interseted to see more of your work xx

by the way ignore my typos, i misspell when i'm excited about a topic! lol

[Luke Ritta]

really well done on writing so much on a subject that looks like you really love...have not finished reading all of it yet but so far....I really like it...keep up the good work:)

[Forest Green]

This is a wild ride...not finished reading it yet...will update this review when done.

I've not read anything quite like this before...interesting!

lol i am still on this, i really love the beginning. It catches my attention, significantly making me want to read more

[Lonnie Paul Johnson]

I like the interaction with Maddi & Corbin. Corbin seem to get more mysterious at the end of the chapter making me want to read the next chapter.

[Chris]

Alana,

When I first paused here - it had 15 views and no comments. WC would not let me post my thoughts so I messaged the review to you.

Take care,
Chris

[Rae Elizabeth]

Very interesting story! I loved it :) Well done, and can't wait to see what happens next!

[Shep]

First off the italics confused me. If you use italics set*** at the top and center it so we know that this a different place or time. And end it with ***

I had no idea what was going on at first because there was no back story. It is very important if you plan to write this in first person which I see that you are.

Warning I really don't like first person stories, but I will stay objective regardless. Lots of good details which I like and not overbearing. Strong story content and is not all over the place. It has nice even flow again what I like. And most of all I can visualize the story and believe it could be true, which is good to sound true in a fiction story like this. By the way I love long chapters like this and will return to read the next chapter.