Here It Goes

Layin down the LAW

I'm 16. I'm a guy. My name is Alan and I want to write a hugely successful book for people my age. "Young Adults". No. Not just a book. A series. 5 books. That should do it. I'll write the first one and get some ridiculous publishing deal. Stephanie Meyer got $750,000 a few weeks after she wrote the first twilight book and that was shite (apparently). That would be enough to start with. And my books will be better, so maybe I'd get more. And it has to be a series. They're the ones that make the big bucks. Several books = many bucks. Ha! J.K. Rowling. She's a millionaire. Ill need a film deal too. Warner Bros or whoever made the new Batman films. They're great.

And this book will be different because it won't be written by some old person writing about teenagers as though they can remember what they're talking about. It'll be written by a teenager. Those old writers say all this s**t in interviews like that if you're writing for "Young Adults" you shouldn't be condescending and you should deal with things that kids deal with like bullying or drugs and stuff like that. But they're the easy ones. 'Bullying is bad.' Drugs are bad'. How f*****g condescending. And what about F*****g. Not sex (I'll get to that later). Just the word F*****g. And other 'Bad' words. F**k S**t C**t Dick Cocksucking F*g Arse Bollox. I say these words. Maybe not a lot. But they're in my head. I say them in there a lot. And they've been in there for years. I definitely say them with my friends, maybe not with my parents. I've definitely said them about my parents and, on one or two occasions, at them. But those words are never in books. F**k sake.

Like, take Harry Potter for example. What if when he shoots a spell at a Death Eater he shouts "Take that you f*****g C**k Muncher!" I know I would. And if I wrote those books I'd definitely have him say that. And him and his friends would always call the Death Eaters C**k Munchers. At least with their wizard friends. Maybe not in front of their wizard teachers.

And then there's these scenes at night time when he can't sleep because he's worried that Ron isn't his friend anymore because Hermione choose to sit beside him at lunch for some f*****g reason. Well, where are the scenes where he's sitting in bed worried that Ron is going to hear him having a sneaky wizard wank under the covers? Now don't tell me that wizards don't have wanks. Don't get me wrong, I loved those books. Queued up at night time for them and all. Just don't tell me that young people can easily relate to them. Give me a f*****g break.

In my book(s) there won't be any magic, or vampires, or time traveling space Vikings, or hidden doors to secret lands full of gay animals hopping around and smoking pipes. My story will be fictional, but realistic. It won't be autobiographical, but don't hold it against me if a few life experiences slip in. It'll mostly be fictional. You wouldn't like me anyway. I'm not main character material. I told you that I am 16, a guy and my name is Alan. I'm also fat, have spots all over my face (including some really sore ones on the back of my neck at the moment), I've never kissed a girl (and I don't see that changing anytime soon.) and my best jeans are two inches too short for me and there's no point in asking my mother for new ones because my f*****g hippy mother thinks that everything should last forever or at least until you look like your homeless.

But don't worry. This won't be about me, so forget all about that.

Reviews

[AlanIsEnough]

Why has it blocked all the 'bad words'? This is shite!